Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Years Eve Plans

While others are off to parties and events, I am planning my perfect New Years eve.

First, I will be alone. Now, this may lonely and depressing to some but I'm constantly around people so I enjoy my time alone.

Next, there will be bacon. Yes, bacon. The gateway meat. I'm not sure if this is finalized yet...but what a way to ring in the new year :D

There will also be shark movies, a fuzzy blanket and my feet off the floor because sharks do, in fact, live under my couch.

Finally, there will be diet pepsi and coffee and chocolate. I will be wired.

Let the bacon hangover commence.

More photos from Christmas

Dad trying on his new bathrobe...that's right, he's a Trekkie
Santa (Dad) holding the Christmas kitty, Esme.
Dad and my other cat, Diablo, who looks ever so impressed

Friday, December 30, 2011

The beast on my head

Warning: Looking at this picture may cause you to laugh uncontrollably for extended periods of time!

While my current hairstyle is, dare I say it, strikingly amazing, my morning hair is something of a disaster. I tried to kill it once, thinking it was an evil alien trying to attack me or perhaps, a rare form of hairy spider. I ended up with a lump on my head without a Bump-it...which I refuse to use.

My morning hair has a life of it's own...a terrible, knotted, frizzy, poofy and just mind-blowing personality that I had no choice but to put a picture on my blog for everyone else to enjoy. It's so bad, it's good.

Good morning all, I just crawled out of bed!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Judging should be left to the professionals

Yesterday, I was called out on judging someone based on their past and other people's opinion's/ideas. While I would like to say this person was wrong, I can't. I ended up apologizing without actually knowing if they were or were not a good person.

I've been able to hide my youthful indiscretions better than the average university student and my reputation has come out rather unscathed. Admittedly, I have been lucky, not smart.

While I can't say I am fond of this new friend's past (let's call him X), the past should not be the only determining factor in learning about a person and calling them a friend. People can, and do, change and if my friends based their friendship with me on my past...I don't believe I'd have any friends left. I do realize that I could be totally off-base with my assessment of X and decide he's a jerk in the future, but I'm not usually that wrong about people.

I was recently judged based on my past behaviour, which admittedly deserved judgement but this time, I was left crying foul. While I could understand this person's (nickname: E) position, I felt it was unfair and that I have attempted to show that I have changed

I realized, because of my stupid decision, how much I could hurt people and so, I've attempted to change my attitude in many areas. My friendships are much more valuable now but also, my family relationships are the most important thing to me and I try not to take them for granted.

I realized that, while E may not be happy with this decision to hang out with X (confused yet?), she is looking at it from the perspective of what happened last time. I can understand that and so I'm just stepping back from her and giving her time to see there is a difference in my attitude.

I truly do care if she gets hurt and I actively don't want that to happen. I care about my friends and especially more about my family. I also care about the right decision for me...not just the 'right now' decision.

I was forced, albeit it without a comment from X, to eat crow (the veggie version which may very well be a brussel sprout) and admit that I have been judgmental and at times, rather rude. Furthermore, I realized more about myself and had an amazing day in the city.

Being judged is one of the things I have been upset with E about. Talk about a huge helping of humble pie.

So, here's to new friendships and to preserving old one's but mostly, here's to knowing the right decision and sticking with it.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

TLC's Toddler's and Tiaras

As I'm watching "How to abuse your child 101" aka 'Toddler's and Tiara's', I have noticed the majority of pageant moms are extremely frumpy.

While I understand that they probably don't have tons of time to get dolled up, they look even uglier next to their glitzed up kids. I mean, a little concealer never hurt anyone. Honestly, it didn't.

And if you know the camera adds ten pounds, here's a thought...lose ten pounds. Put down the cheeseburger, Red Bull and pixie sticks and have a side salad.

Yes, it's mean but watching children get more beauty treatments than I do puts me in a grumpy mood.

Wishing I could feel nothing

When I started this blog, I determined that no matter who read it, I was going to write. If I would be okay writing it anonymously, I was going to write it. Sometimes, that bites me right in the butt because people either take my sarcasm seriously (and yes, there is sarcasm), or I feel like this and am not sure what to write.

I was asked out for the 1st of January...why not New Years Eve you ask? Well, it's because he has a date. While logically, I understand this is not an exclusive relationship nor have I been completely innocent as per usual but I didn't expect my stomach to feel just a little deflated.

I feel stupid writing this because I understand that it's slightly illogical but who said emotions are supposed to be logical?

I think I'm more irritated that I feel like I'm the 'next day date' and I'm not really okay with that. I don't do sloppy-seconds, I don't want to be second-fiddle and while I've said before, I'm pretty new to actually dating, I dont' think I like this aspect of it.

I'm starting to consider just taking myself out of the dating scene altogether. It just seems like logic and emotions are too intertwined but have to be separate. I feel like I'm playing a game that I don't know the entire rulebook for.

Asking the right questions

As watching 'The Doctors' the question was finding out about what was TMI on a first date. Personally, I don't believe in dating someone I don't know at all...I'd rather know the basics: Religion, politics, how they feel about dating/marriage, health etc. Even the 'taboo' subjects like, what's your number? Last time they had an STD/STI check? Do they have an STD? Do I know their ex's?

I mean, lets be realistic, why would I date someone and perhaps develop an emotional attachment to someone who doesn't hit my expectations? I want to know if someone has been married (or perhaps, is married), whether they have a political affiliation, and their religion.

Doesn't it make more sense to text/chat before the date and maybe get to know one another? I mean, what happens if you have nothing in much easier to say "yeah, not interested at all" via computer.

Also, I'm a firm believer in having a list of deal-breakers. For example:

-If you're sexually active and haven't had an STD test, you don't stand a chance with me. If you don't care about your own health, you don't care about mine and in today's world, it's ignorance only to not be tested.

-If (by this age) you just haven't thought about religion and politics and have no idea what your values are. It doesn't mean this won't change, but at least it's something that you've thought about.

-If you hate all your ex's, chances are I'll just be another girl you hate eventually. I'm good thanks.

-If I know your ex's. I'm from a small town and I know people from all over lower NB. There's a difference between knowing one or two of the ex's and saying "okay well it was a decent relationship" and saying "oh...umm...I know that person. Ew." It just gets rather irritating and I don't feel like a relationship should be irritating so I'm good just being friends. Could this change? Sure. Would it be a rare possibility? Absolutely!

People SHOULD be picky about who they date...this could be the person you spend a very long time with and you may as well ask questions that are pass/fail to weed out the people you don't want to date.

Just a thought

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The epic lazy day I so very much deserve

T0day has been the day every university student dreams of - I woke up, got breakfast, took a nap, watched stupid tv, played DDR, and am now baking cupcakes and playing Rockband. I got out of my pajamas's around noon to batten down the hatches in sweatpants.

It was a LOVELY day.

I'm on the first boat tomorrow to the mainland. For all you 'non-Islanders', Grand Manan is a little tiny island (think 20 miles long give or take) in the middle of the Bay of Fundy. It takes a ninety minute boat ride to get here. And to clear up any questions:

Yes, we have power
No, we don't live in igloos
Yes we have the internet
No, we don't have a bridge
Yes, people live here year round
Yes, we have a liquor store, grocery store, police, and even a Greco
No, there is no Starbucks, Tim Hortons or pizza delivery

To get to the mainland, it means getting up at about 5am to get showered, hair done, clothes on, and perhaps a cup of coffee before getting onto the boat (which does hold cars) and then being picked up on the other side (as I don't have a car).

I'm spending the day with a new friend so it should be interesting. I get the feeling he's developed a bit of a crush so I'm attempting to explain I really am horrible dating material.

-I'm grumpy most of the time from a conglomeration of work/school/people who I can't point fingers at but her name rhymes with Zillian...and the only Asian who's not good at math (for the record, that is not meant to be a racist comment but a poke at a quote someone gave me for the newspaper as he was hired for the financial position because he was good at math but it took him forever to create a budget and had to have some very simple concepts explained to him). He sparkles. And grades, I'm usually grumpy about grades.

-I snore. I also drool, kick, scream and talk in my sleep...if I sleep. I usually have too much homework and other stuff to do so I get to a point of being grumpy. Vicious circle.

-I am addicted to caffeine. It's bad.

-I'm vegetarian. I don't even want to cook meat anymore...I will but it's yucky.

-Not a fan of babies

-Too big a fan of whiskey

...apart from that, I'm just that awesome :P

On an awesome note though, my s'more cupcakes came out beautifully.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Oh Boxing Day Goodness

Christmas is over and it was great to see all the family, have supper together and just spend the day together. I love my family and although Christmas is draining, it's one of my favorite times of the year now...mostly because I stopped stressing out about it all the time.

Now, onto the normalcy of life again. First off...LOOK AT THE POOF! This is the results of back-combing, plus hairspray, plus G2B volumizing powder (For the record, it works just as well as Chi and is about 75% cheaper). Also, there's my tub at my mom's house, a towel...and some shampoo...
Second awesome event...French Toast for breakfast!!! I made Vanilla Soy milk French Toast with cinnamon, strawberries, maple syrup and whipped cream. I woke up late so it counts as breakfast and dinner so no worries about calories either.
Finally, I am currently off to see my Grandparents and am going to continue having an awesome day! I'll still be excited to get back to Saint John though!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

I can get a bigger penis

Have you ever stopped to look at spam in your inbox? You know what I mean, the really stupid e-mails that come in, have nothing to do with you, and you're going how did they get my address?

I always laugh at the e-mails telling me a hot Russian girl is waiting for me. That's nice but what am I supposed to do? I mean, I don't WANT a hot Russian girl...unless she's really good at editing a newspaper and is willing to work for peanuts.

I also have to laugh at the 'make it bigger' ads. First off, I don't have a penis so will it make one grow? Second question, where will it grow? I'm going to wind up walking around with a private on my forehead all because of a pill. Dandy. Finally, what happens if you take too much? Ooh...E.P.S (Exploding Penis Syndrome).

What else can I do but laugh over spam? :)

Memory lane took a wrong turn

I had the most funny encounter last night. A fellow told me he had a crush on me since we were little kids. That's adorable, right? Well, not so much. In my cynical nature, I asked him to tell me a story about us hanging out as I didn't believe he actually remembered me (we we never hung out and I was a homely child). He told me ever since I lived on the back road next to another kid he thought I was cute...yep, that wasn't me.

There are moments when I just have to smile and laugh. Ahh, memory lane.

Wishing you all a very merry Christmas

Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones (and the not-so loved ones). As I sit in my living room, taking a break from DDR, listening to a cat snore and growl in it's sleep, I would like to ask everyone to remember that the holidays are a time for joy and celebration. Please, don't ruin the holidays for those who love you by drinking and driving.

Even if you never have an accident, you're setting an example and the ones who watch you may be the ones to say "It's okay because _____ does it."

Christmas is supposed to be a happy time...don't let is also be a memorial day for you or your loved ones. Take the keys away, hogtie them to a chair with duct tape and the police if you have to and bring Christmas cookies in the morning to apologize.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!


Samantha Tinker

Friday, December 23, 2011

The amount of work that goes into the mop on my head

Almost any woman who bothers doing their hair will say that a good hair day will make or break their evening. I've got really fine hair that has NO volume so for me, it's a 10-step process.

Step 1- Blowdry hair with Conair thermocare round hair brush with roots lifted

Step 2- Shake so much Chi or G2B volumizing powder in hair, I can't breathe. Stop when lungs are full and hacking commences. Seal in place with G2B Fat-tastic hairspray

Step 3- Backcomb until hair is standing on end. When I look like the bride of Frankenstein, it's ready

Step 4- Add another couple squirts of hairspray for good measure

Step 5- Look in mirror, cringe, and start to get a part going on, use the round brush to start smoothing out the frizz-fest

Step 6- Straighten the ends with a small straightener.

Step 7- Section off a part on top to smooth out, make sure the back is poofy, flip over the smooth part so the rat's nest is hidden

Step 8- Add more Chi Powder with spray to make sure the hair stays in place (If I don't do this, the back-combing won't stay in place and it'll go flat).

Step 9- Wonder why I don't just accept my straight hair or get a perm. Ponder for a few moments as I finally get my breath back from the haze of hairspray in my room

Step 10- Step out into the rain/snow without an umbrella, curse Mother Nature, wear hat because the hour of work is rinsed out. Give up.

On top of all this, I have to attempt to remember who likes what hairstyle. New guy for example, hates the feel of the Chi powder (a heads up: it really does make your hair feel disgusting), D believed my extensions weren't fake and hauled on them (ow), and going out means planning for the Atlantic weather as much as possible.

It's fun being a woman, right?

It finally happened

Someone from Australia stumbled across the awesomeness that is my blog :) Santa really does exist and he granted me a Christmas, where's my pony?

The evil cat is up for adoption

Mom has given up her sanity and decided to foster a cat. It's not just any cat thought, it's Satan (who has taken the name Collie for the time being). A fluffy, adorable bundle of joy with the most sketchy eyes who has now decided anyone who sits in her chair is, in fact, a chew toy for her.

As I sat down in the living room, prepared to watch Live with Kelly and eat my breakfast, coffee in hand, my cute purple Tinkerbell bathrobe curled around me, my feet innocently on the ground, out of nowhere this cat attacked my legs. It was a sneak attack that still has me traumatized (and my leg is sore). I am the victim here!

She has the common sense of a wombat, the grace of Ashley Simpson on SNL, and the loving nature of a grizzly bear. Please adopt her.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Random facts about me

-I am completely adorable in my own mind.

-I love to exercise

-I really like steak, hotdogs, cheeseburgers, and fish...but I don't eat any of them.

-I hate the smell of mussels.

Note: After looking over my post from last night, I'm assuming I was really hungry!

-I strongly desire another tattoo

-I also want my tongue pierced

-At the age of 25, I still listen to my mother as she has strongly expressed her desire to rip a tongue piercing out of my mouth if I ever make the wrong decision according to her.

-I love the smell of cleaning products...the warning not to sniff is for me!

-I am extremely ticklish

-I am extremely violent when tickled

-I refuse to get old...I'll grow up but I'm still jumping in puddles and building a sand castle

-I have crazy dreams almost every night...usually I remember them

-I like wearing short skirts

-I still love cartoons (Fairly Odd Parents and Scooby Doo)

-I like being smart but I really enjoy vegging out!

-I hate making decisions that will still leave someone hurt.

-I'm naturally a blonde.

-I've had a ton of piercings but don't have any now

-I love speaking in public...I'm not really shy at all.

-My weekend hobbies are usually unhealthy but so much fun.

-I will answer a question honestly or choose not to answer but I refuse to lie.

Stressed at Christmas? Read this

To all you folks who are reading this attempting not to chew off your own arms, rip out chunks of hair and scalp and pick incessantly at your skin like a meth addict due to the stress of Christmas, stop and listen up.

Your kids have a choice: Like their gifts, pretend to like their gifts and sell them on e-bay or complain and watch as their gifts are donated to children who didn't get a Christmas and are grateful.

Your inlaws or family complaints: There is this wonderful beverage called alcohol. It comes in many flavours and potency levels. While you may not be able to show up at Nanna Minnie's shittered, you can remind yourself that there is whiskey waiting for you under the mistletoe when you get home. There are also drugs...not for you, for them. The best Christmas ever is when Aunt G. was stoned on her neck tranquilizers (letter of name and body part have been changed for an attempt at keeping people anonymous). Slip them in cider or mashed potatoes.

The turkey didn't come out right: Again, use the alcohol and no one will care. Really, it's Christmas not Turkey-day. People will survive and it'll be a funny memory.

The hubbub is driving you mad: Turn off the TV or put on a good movie, sit down and read a book. Stop caring that you're not being jolly one really cares enough to remember the following year unless you go Scrooge on them and hit little Timmy with the overcooked turkey in which case, you've created some amazing holiday memories.

I get it that Christmas seems stressful but it's only because people are flocking around like headless chickadees trying to plan every single minute and you're going "I just want to sleep in, drink some eggnog, open some presents, give some presents...and maybe do a few other things that I don't want my mother to know about under the mistletoe, the bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen..." ...nevermind.

Merry Christmas to all and to all, SALUT!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Cause there's no place like home for the holidays

HAPPY HOLIDAYS from Sam and Esme!

For those of you who don't know the story, Esme was a rescue cat from the Saint John Animal Rescue League. I got her a few years ago and she was a mess - terrified of everything, matted fur, and claws that were stuck in the pads of her feet. Now, she's a Fleet family favorite. She's an inbred Persian who found her family!

This has become somewhat of a tradition between
Esme and I. She gets her photo taken in some awful
getup...and I laugh at her.

Photos from home

The first photo is of Duke, Bryen and Claude's dog (Sister and Sister's significant other) as he is going after the evil and vicious vacuum.

The other photos were taken by my mother as gram attempted to brush the dog hair off me after I gave both Moe and KC a good brushing. Both dogs look much less scruffy today!

Also, it was about -5 or -7 degrees Celcius that day! BURR!!!

Hey're fat!

I just read an article from BBC that suggests family and friends should mention to their loved ones that they are gaining weight or overweight. They were being serious.

I'm not sure about the author's family, but in my house, you'd be slapped upside the head with a wooden spoon if you called someone fat.

The author may want to take note that MOST people probably already know they're not a size 2...especially when they get stuck in the dressing room at the mall with a size two shirt stuck around their double chin.

Look, I'm all for suggesting someone go for a walk, gym dates or offering gift cards to the gym for Christmas if they suggested they would be interested. I'm not okay going up to 85-year old Granny saying: "Maybe you shouldn't take a second helping of pie. You're getting a little chunky!" (For the record, my mam is a very petite lady).

Where is the common sense here? If you want to be invited to Christmas dinner, don't be known as the Fat Police. Take time to talk to people and if they mention it, pass along your advice if they're receptive to it. Don't just start handing out "Fat Fines" this season.


I see the Facebook posts saying grades are starting to be posted so I slowly type in the letters. My heart starts to race, my fingers start to shake...then the inevitable stomach churning started.

I usually have a pretty good guess what my grades are going to be but it terrifies me to assume I'm going to get a good grade and then, because I bombed an exam, just fail. I know the stats are with me saying I probably won't fail if I study and have done well during the course but its' a fear.

So I open up my browser and there they are...1/2 my grades are posted. A B+ in War and Genocide and an A in Sociology. I was hoping to ace that W&G exam and haul up my mark but it didn't work.

So now I'm just waiting for the other 2 courses to come in (hopefully before Christmas). For the record, this is a form of torture albeit it, a nicer form than the typical types.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The afternoon of doggy delights

Anyone who knows me is aware that Melmo (Moe) and KC own my heart like their chew toys. These two dogs are the best dogs ever. While I defend your right to say you disagree, you're still wrong.

This afternoon, with my grandparents and mother present, I noticed my two boys were looking a tad bit scruffy so I hauled out the furminator (The most amazing pet brush ever). Moe laid down, groaned, flipped over, enjoyed having his belly rubbed and was excellent for about half an hour of brushing...KC was a different story.

He kept hitting me with his paw, refused to lay down, decided laying down was his best option, had to go get some water, came back, put his tail in my face and wagged, turned around, sat down again...and repeated. Then he decided he was sorry, and licked the entire side of my face. I was covered from head to toe in dog hair and slime.

Moe got jealous that KC was being brushed and decided he needed more work. Try pushing a 100 pound dog off your lap (Moe) when he doesn't feel like moving. Hint: It doesn't work. KC got upset that Moe took his spot and started trying to chew on Moe's face. I yell at KC, mom yells at me for yelling at him, Bamp is giggling in the corner watching the entire comedic event and I'm gasping for air and spitting out dog fur.

Finally, both dogs look lovely, sleek and polished and I get kicked outside to be wacked around by my grandmother who attempted to brush the hair off me in a broom. For the record, it was about -5C and I was in a tanktop/capris.

The afternoon of doggy to come shortly

Merry Christmas

I feel like I just told the world to f*** off or something equally as rude by the title of my blog. "Merry Christmas" is apparently the new four letter word because not everyone celebrates Christmas. (Oh crap, like I didn't realize that there are different religions and people who didn't believe in Jesus in the world even though I have the internet! I missed THAT memo!).

Well, not everyone takes a summer vacation either but we tend to ask how people are spending their summer. Not everyone gets a March Break but we usually ask about that too.

Get over it. Seriously, those who are religious are not stuffing a Christmas tree up your butt sideways saying "Worship or I'll holy war you" when they say "Merry Christmas." They're trying to be nice. Being nice- a new idea. Try it by biting your tongue and saying "Oh thanks! Happy Holidays!" (See, no one's forcing you to say merry Christmas...not even the underpaid cashier at Walmart who accidentally let a Christmas slip out).

You may or may not celebrate Christmas but screw 'politically correct' and say what you want. One of your rights is freedom of speech. That's right, you're allowed to say "Merry Christmas" and if anyone decides to be a Grinch about it, that Christmas tree may very well go up their ass (pointy end first).

Monday, December 19, 2011

Cat are smarter than humans

I woke up this morning and said, "Oh shit" not because it was a bad morning but because my cat, a senior at the ripe old age of 10 or so, missed the litter box completely. As I began to clean it up, I realized I'm my cat's slave.

I work for free, without so much as a thank you. Instead of being loving and gracious, Madame Cat decided to watch and , in my opinion, critique my work of cleaning, spraying and scrubbing. After my hands were washed, she demanded I give her attention and a back massage.

She is fed and when out of food, only needs to scream (aka meow) for more...NOW! She sits and demands treats, doesn't get punished even when she does something wrong and is waited on hand and foot.

I crawl to drag her out from under the chair at times...I'm positive she believes I am worshiping her. She doesn't earn her keep as she would run from a rodent...she eats, sleeps, poops, and occasionally allows her adoring subjects to look upon her lovingly. Her hair is brushed, she never cleans a toilet and is routinely fed without having to prepare the nibbles or do dishes.

Forget being a lawyer, my goal in life is to be a house-cat.

What I want to say

I've been trying to write for the past ten minutes so instead of writing a bunch of blogs about topics that don't make sense, here's a glimpse into my thoughts for the night:

-I hate that our friendship has changed and I wish I could take it all back sometimes but I can't put my life on hold for this. I'm always unsure if you're just busy or ignoring me. I hate this uncertainty.

-I hope you know what you're doing because your decisions hurt a lot of people. I wish you the best of luck in your future.

-I miss hanging out with you. Wanna bake cupcakes?

-You're getting cupcakes for Christmas!!!! (I am terrible at secrets but you don't know who you are so it's still a secret).

-Hopefully you guys realize how much it takes to go to the front of the class and explain my work.

-I hope you're having fun over there and sincerely hope you're safe and enjoying time with your family.

-I am home for the holidays. Get it? I'm on vacation. Do NOT talk to me about my job. Thank you.

-Christmas is the season in which I truly believe that people are still good-souls.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

The realization that I'm not the EIC today

I am home. On Grand Manan. Far away from Residence. I'm not being asked about the paper, an article, or anything regarding 'The Baron.' This might not seem like much but to me, it means I can drop my responsibilities for a bit and just relax. I don't need to be constantly concerned with being "Samantha Tinker- Editor in Chief", I'm just Sam.

It dawned on me as I threw on a pair of sweatpants, a tank top and sports bra as I decided to have a very chill day. I grabbed a shower, threw my hair up in a ponytail and didn't even bother with makeup. I'll be honest though...this feeling of just being able to relax is good for about a week but after that, it becomes a bit boring. I like being able to dress up and go out. I like having a reason to throw on some dress pants or a cute top. I love my heels, my short skirts, my little red dress...oh, I love that little red dress.

Here, it's usually easier to wear sweats and a sweater because there are two huge dogs who love to shed on me, a cat who looks more like a poof ball, chickens to feed and goodness knows what else.

Here's to just being Sam's a good feeling.

The Christmas Cookie Conundrum

I don't understand why I bother to make christmas cookies. I sincerely hate baking and don't even like sugar cookies. Here's why Christmas cookies should be laced with something to make my life easier:

-Trying to remember who has what allergy. Dad is allergic to nuts but not peanut butter, mom is allergic to mushrooms (not that they matter in Christmas cookies). Then there is soy, dairy, and apparently certain fruits...and if you mess up, you've put your friend or family member in the hospital with an Epi-pen in their hip. Merry Christmas, hope you survive!

-Following a recipe. Seriously, cooking is easy. Add a dash of this, a smidge of that, and taste constantly...baking is about texture and the right amount. I have the attention span of a chipmunk and yes, shiny things distract me. I hate following a recipe mostly because I tend to mess it up.

-Decorating the after eating the batter (which is pretty yummy) and taste testing icing until my tummy hurts, I have to actually decorate the cookies. By this time, all I can smell is sugar, my stomach is lurching and I remind myself that I do, indeed, like these people.

-Packaging the cookies- After I iced them, sprinkled them and made them look pretty, I throw them in a tin or on a plate hoping they will still look pretty when I deliver them...nope, never works out. The cookies look like a first grade project gone horribly wrong. My inner four year old is on crack.

Anyways, I'm going to head out and start to cook.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

The argument over a jacket

As I sit at my table on Grand Manan, attempting to write a lecture titled: "Using your writing to your advantage" or some other lame-ass title for a pretty awesome speech, I realized I was hearing the echoing of my parents arguing wafted through the house. What were they arguing about, you ask...A jacket. Whose jacket was it? Where did it come from? Who bought the jacket?

My favorite quip came from my father as he said, "Well, I'm sorry but I didn't buy this jacket."
My mother's retort? "You might not have bought it but it's yours. Put it on."
Dad: "But I didn't need a work jacket."
Mom: "No, you needed a good jacket." (Round one goes to the mother)

As I listen to this slightly comedic argument ultimately won by mother who made my father try on the jacket, explaining the purpose of having said jacket, and basically just bombarding him with reasons why, yes, it was in fact his, it dawned on me about where I get my ability to argue. The opposing council would be shaking if they meet my mother.

Finally, in attempting to listen to the argument, I stepped on one cat, riled up two dogs, and spooked one cat into landing on the ceiling. I'm glad to be back but we've got some messed up animals in this house.

My first weekend home, however, is going to be mellow. I'm enjoying my time in bed (alone) and am all dolled up in my super-sexy pj's...they're certainly a 'hoot.' It's now 9:40...I'm off to snuggle into bed! Having no more class until January is amazing!

Gift wrap is designed to drive good people to the bottle

Gift wrapping is always an adventure when I get to work. I haul out the safety scissors, duct tape, glue, bandaids, whiskey and occasionally, bubble wrap. It doesn't matter if the present is in a box, bag, or is perfectly square, I cannot get it to look good. My steps for gift wrapping are as followed. Please learn from my mistakes:

Step one- Find wrapping paper/tape/glue/post-it notes and anything else that might work to hide said present.
Step two- lay present in the middle of wrapping paper
Step three- Drink wine in an attempt to be more sophisticated as I wrap presents
Step four- Tape paper to box or directly to the present at any angle possible. Give up hiding present in paper.
Step five- Find duct tape
Step six- Grab dog, attach duct tape roll to their tail. Hold end of tape. Throw treat. Section off long pieces of duct tape this way until present is completely covered.
Step seven- Remove duct tape from dog
Step eight- Remove teeth from arm
Step nine- Give up on wine, go for the cup of Fireball...add a shot of eggnog for some festive cheer
Step ten- Promise yourself (like you do every year) that you will invest in a professional to wrap said presents.
Step eleven- Go see the nurses at the hospital with your pre-baked cookies for them to get your yearly shots against animal disease and stitches for the bites.

Tomorrow's Blog: Why baking holiday cookies is deadly.


Being back on Grand Manan always has it's advantages and disadvantages. This time the rumour-mill is swishing with gossip...just not about me! Oh thank goodness. I am not pregnant, addicted to crack, sleeping with multiple people and a sheep or selling small children to the community school for slave labour.

The best one I've heard so far is:

Grand Mananer: "So are you down for the wedding?"
Me: What wedding?
GM: Your sisters wedding?
Me: What wedding?

Fortunately for me, all I've heard is "I saw you on TV" or "I heard you on the radio"...everyone is famous in a small town!


After reading last night's post, I have made a new decision: No blogging when tired! Apparently, I get whiny.

Today is progressing wonderfully already. I awoke at an early 7:45 (if you haven't noticed, my typical bedtime is a couple hours before that, however, I was in bed by 11pm last night), I have a hair appointment in which I'm not terrified that she'll mess it up like I am in the city, and finally, I have my puppy, my other puppy, my ugly cat, and 2 new of which will bark for food (not really, but she's all about the treats).

Pictures later, I'm sure :)

Friday, December 16, 2011

25 things I cannot do on Grand Manan

I realized as I was curled up in someone else's bed enjoying the remnants of a whiskey buzz that I was going to be home for almost three whole entire weeks. Three weeks. Almost 21 days. After I stopped mentally cursing (okay, so there was some vocal cursing as well), I realized I was pretty happy to be going home for the holidays but I was going to miss my freedom in Saint John.

Being from a small town (we're talking 1500 people tops - we get excited over a new streetlight small), there's a few things I can't do for a few good reasons. As per my usual blog-quickly style since I am slightly exhausted and ready for goes. 25 things I cannot do on Grand Manan

-Get off Grand Manan any time I want
-See a certain bloke who believes I'm ridiculously young and wearing false eyelashes
-Get Starbucks and chill with a book there
-Relax in my office
-Go to the library with a coffee (apparently, the GM library is archaic and believes students don't need caffeine and then we wonder why the good kids are on Ritalin)
-Hook up with a stranger (not that I'd want to...but I know everyone here so they're not strangers)
-Anything in secret (literally, can't get away with anything)
-Go see a movie at the theater
-Eat fast food (we don't have it)
-Get Tim Horton's coffee (don't have that either)
-Go to a club (not that I really go to clubs, but we don't have those either)
-Date (I'm related to most of them, the others are married or diseased)
-Take public transit...guess what, we don't have that either
-Go to a comment on the slight excuse for a bar that we may or may not have because it's absolutely useless.
-Go outside my room without getting dog/cat hair on my clothes
-Eat real ethnic food
-Have pizza delivered
-Order pizza past 10pm...possibly 9
-Walk around the entire grocery store and not know anyone
-Get my heel fixed on my shoe
-Wear short/cute clothing without getting grumped at by my grandparents or mother
-Speed...there's just no point (the movement, not the drug).
-Steal a car (where would I take it? There's water all around me).
-Get channels about 35 on cable
And finally...I can't wear heels because there is no good sidewalks and everything is too far.

Since I'm being whiny and grumpy, I'm taking my whiskey and going to bed...sans whiskey. G'night and let the Christmas countdown commence.

Quit drooling and begin to be afraid

For the record, I do own this bra...and it has about an inch of padding on it. I was asked, what exactly is the purpose of said bra. Why would I wear something that creates a false illusion. Well, let's talk about my boobs...and let's see how many words I can find for breasts as well!

Simply put, I like how the double push up fills out my shirts better and realistically, it's not like Spanx. If I were to go home with a guy (which I don't because incidentally, I'm 99.9% sure my mother reads my blog), I would not have to peel off something that looks as though it belongs in my grandmother throw-away bin.

Also, if a guy decides to point out my smaller ta-ta's when I'm naked, I'll laugh at his penis size and walk away.

Here's the other thing I have realized. Some men are too busy staring at my chest to realize I am actually an intelligent individual who will, without their realizing, feed them their own testicles on a silver platter given half a chance. I consider these people to be even more ridiculous because they are drooling over two foam bowls attached to my bust to realize they are telling me everything I want to know and more.

A warning to all you men who consider ogling a professional past time - women are onto it. We embrace it. We use it to our advantage and you will get screwed over. Welcome to the 21st century. You have been outwitted by two fatty funsacks.

For 295 other euphemisms for breasts, click here: Chimichongas (yet another nickname)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Dear fellow women,

What the hell is this? First, these are the biggest granny panties I have ever seen and secondly, why?

Are you that concerned about a muffin top? or love handles? or whatever? How about you just embrace the fact that you actually eat real food and have other things going on in your life that restricts you from having an ass like Olivia Wilde.

This makes me shake my head and say: "Why not wear something comfortable or maybe even *gasp* sexy?" I mean, can you imagine going home with someone (your honey included). He's going to be asking: "How can find a way to peel her out of this contraption?!"

I'm not saying don angel wings (although perhaps I am) but if I ever have to hoist my knickers up by my bra strap with some suspender-like contraption...I've been trying to write what I'm going to do but I'm coming up with nothing except burn my underwear and go commando.

If real life was like Glee

What would happen if real life was like Glee? Yes, the 'teenager's who dance in the halls to different songs and attempt to survive high school' show that has got people dancing in their seats and showing off their spirit fingers. Well, let me tell you...

First, you'll never actually go to class. Your day will consist of hanging out in the halls with friends, singing 'Telephone' in the extremely clean, graffiti-free washroom with a stranger, and dealing with bullies.

You'll immediately be part of a clique. You'll be in Glee-club and, of course, be a loser because talented people suck, right? The jocks hang with the jocks and the cheerleaders are exclusively exclusive...I can't say that reminds me of my high school at all!

You'll try drinking only once. You'll establish it's not for you. Drugs don't exist unless the nurse over-prescribes them.

Anyone you know who is 'out of the closet' will be fabulously dressed.

Jocks are stupid...except the Asian one. They will also get away with throwing slushies at people on a daily basis and not be charged for assault or kicked out of school.

The cheerleading coach has her own office. She will also get away with abusing kids on a regular basis.

Everyone you know will be dressed as though they walked out of a catalog...even if they're trying to look bad, it's 'greasy-goodness.'

No one smokes unless they're trying to be tough.

Everyone will get laid at the same time in the same 30 minutes...but it's not a planned event. It will also be videotaped but that's normal too.

The girl who was your boyfriend's first will be your friend...or at least, tolerated Bullshit she will.

The really stupid girl who believes the Irish boy is a leprechaun...nah, she's not on drugs!

There are no teenage mothers that keep their kids. And only one person actually got pregnant. Obviously, Glee is NOT based in Saint John.

Your friend who was arrested once, slept with your girlfriend, hooked up with your new girlfriend, who is currently hooking up with his child's adopted mother will still be accepted by you.

The lockers will open, the school will be clean and there are no janitors walking around. The teacher's lounge actually looks like a place teachers would WANT to be...not a dungeon.

Everyone can sing...and most people can dance well. You'll spontaneously break out into song and no one will notice...or throw slushies at you. Some people will even join in, in key no less.

Welcome to your life if real-life were like Glee. Personally, I like reality.

Why can't he have the pork?

I have a friend who, oddly enough, gets mistaken for Arab (he's from the far and distant land of Saskatchewan). His complaint has been the newer cafeteria people as well as many others assume he doesn't eat pork because he is Muslim. He is not.

Well, let me tell you- he likes meat. He's a HUGE fan of meat. There is nothing he likes more than a good, chunk of meat in his just give him the sausage, the bacon and the chops...give him the 'other white meat'.

(For the record, I made him hold my purse and took a photo then said I would blog about him later...I just didn't know what to say. He really is straight...I promise).

The most irritating blog ideas

I would love to say everyone who desires to be creative can be but alas, the blogging-sphere has proven to me that not all writers are created equal. Some writers are actually creative, intellectual individuals and some are not. Some people are genuinely interesting while some people genuinely believe they are interesting.

In my favorite style using a list as my friend D. pointed out that I love to do, here are the top blogs to avoid at all cost...and by all costs, gouging out one's eyes with pencils in true Joker-style is a plan to avoid reading these following works of...something.

Blog Title #1- 'See my children? Aren't they great? Let's capture every moment of their life in photos'
I'm not sure how to tell some parent this but the rest of the world truly doesn't care about your children and this entire blog is a waste of internet space. I don't care if the internet is infinite, I can't get those precious seconds of my life back! Your kids aren't super-amazing, all-knowing, wonder-children...they are bug-eating balls of germs. Deal with it, embrace it and blog about real life (as you decent off cloud 9 and back into reality).

Blog Title #2- 'It's all about my, really, my life revolves around Mr. Biggles'
I understand you're lonely but an entire blog about a c
at? It eats, it drinks, it shreds your leather shoes, and it poops. While I truly do love my cat, if you find the most exciting part of your day is your kitty, go find a real friend with two (or even one - no discrimination here) legs.

Blog Title #3- 'I have no creative ability so I post other people's work'
If I wanted to read other people's work, I would go read their blogs/postings/papers or books. I will not bother with your blog because there is something call
ed the MSN homepage. Thanks anyways but you're useless.

Blog Title #4- 'I haz no writng...and no gramer or spelchek,'
If you, like, don't, like, understand that...oooohh...this is really, like annoying...please grow up, get your head out of 'Clueless' (look it up because it's
probably older than you are) and stop writing until you realize how much you are embarrassing yourself. Writing is an art and you are the artist who would wind up working as a stripper to make money because your knockoffs aren't selling. Take a class (I suggest grade five) and realize that grammar, punctuation, and intelligent ideas are crucial.
Note: If there are any words that are over your head I'll dumb it down for you - U no write no more. U suk lots. no j/k. thx.

Blog Title #5- 'I'm a DJ'
...And I just don't care.

Ultimately, most people tend to be interesti
ng, however, most people also cannot make their lives appear interesting on paper. Am I interesting? Of course I am. Why? Well, you should see what I can do with my tongue.

And you thought it was something dirty...get your mind outta the gutter!

Tell me a story

I walked out of Hazen Hall into the Quad today. Today, all that was left were three crows playing on the grass were the only living creatures apart from myself in the square - you may not think crows play but they're quite jovial animals. I walked past them and they just stopped and stared, as though I didn't really belong there. I was invading the territory they had taken over.

The sound of the flags snapping in the crisp wind and the dry leaves being swirled across the brick path were the only sounds I heard. My heels echoed sharply against the cement walkway as I moved across this deserted area, an invader within my own home.

It's a discombobulating feeling, knowing that only a few weeks ago students were racing through the paths, across the grass to class, sitting on the bench enjoying a coffee and cigarette, laying under the tree for a quick break...and now, it's totally empty, drained of life. Slightly haunting.

These areas that are supposed to be loud, supposed to be active, have a feeling almost visible in the air when deserted. It's almost as if their energy knows there is supposed to be activity, commotion...anything. It's just waiting for something to happen but in the meantime, the buildings, the benches, even the grass just wait anxiously for that spark that will ignite them, wake them up from their dormant slumber.

January is coming and with it, the renewed energy of students hustling to smoke faster, not be late for class, and hide their faces against the sharp attack of the winter wind. January is coming but for now, winter break is upon us.

Secrets of the Sammy

Insert ominous music here...okay not really. Each of us has our secrets, whether it's "It slipped in accidentally so I refuse to believe it counts' or 'I don't have an online dating account...I have six.' They're stupid little secrets but usually those are the ones that are the most fun to tell people when they slip out!

Top 10 Not-So Dirty Little Secrets

1) If you're shorter than me, no matter how hot you are, I want to pick you and and cuddle you like a puppy dog.

2) I like mustard on a spoon as a snack

3) I am lazy when it comes to clothing. If I'm in a dress, it's because I'm too lazy to find a pant/t-shirt combo and underwear is always optional unless the skirt is really short.

4) I find older guys to be much sexier than guys my age which is why I rarely date anyone under 29. It started when I was hooked on Andy Griffith as a, it's Anderson Cooper.

5) I still have a Neopets account from when I was a teenager...okay, that's rather embarrassing

6) I will easily spend an hour on my hair and makeup on most days.

7) I am so anal about time. I need to know what time something is happening, panic about being late and get really pissed when people are late.

8) Jumping in the puddles is my favorite activity in the world

9) I have Backstreet Boys on my I-pod.

10) I am a terrible sleeper. I snore, I drool, I cuddle, I kick, I steal the covers. I make a terrible sleeping buddy :)

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Winding down in Saint John

Sam, Ashley and I went out to see 'The Muppets' tonight after the Sam team decorated our door for Christmas (see previous blog entry).

Although I did fall asleep for a couple of minutes, it was a great time out with awesome friends! I'm going to miss Sam as she travels back to Ontario :( But the memories are awesome!

This is a close up of our spider on our door. We have established he is a back-woods spider named Billy Bob.

The most awesome reason why you should see this movie!!! I did a little happy dance in my seat!

Also, we brought the wodka-tini's to the theater...that made this scene even better.

I'm done

Who's done exams? I'm done exams! And so...what did I do? It started with a wodka-tini: Watermelon sourpuss, vodka and pineapple juice! So far, so good! In an hour, even better!

We're off to see 'The Muppets' tonight! That's right...I'm off to the theaters :D And here's what Sam S. and I have been up to this far:

This is a my friend says: "It sounds dangerous"

And this is our Christmas door...see our spiders? They were a Halloween thing but now, they're all set for Christmas with their little hats and mittens!

I'm sure I'll post more's going to be a great day!

Last Exam Poem

There was a young woman
Without a clue
About the exam
She was about to do .

She studied all night
Hoping she wouldn't bomb it
But now she's just praying
That she doesn't vomit.

She studied tobacco,
Drugs, drinking and such,
Muttering curse words
Like 'dang it' and 'fudge'

And so she exclaimed,
As she heads out the door,
"All I need is to pass,
I don't ask for much more."

First all nighter of the semester

I thought I was home-free, that I wouldn't need to pull an all-nighter. Of course, my last exam of the term happens to be the one that I am cramming for. One all nighter later and I am aiming for a really really good mark...fingers crossed.

I'll crash around noon tomorrow for the afternoon, then apple-tini night with Sam for a great night of 'The Muppets!'

These blogs should get interesting as I get more and more time.

Monday, December 12, 2011

You know who you are

Dear you,

Thank you for seeing in my face what I'm not saying and asking about it. Thank you for stopping and just talking to me for awhile.

Thank you for all the crazy coffee bladder hates you but I like the company. Thank you for the late nights drinking and then talking nonsense just because we can...

Thank you for letting me use your shower in the morning and making sure the temperature isn't going to burn/freeze me. Thank you for trusting me to make veggie food...and then eating it without a complaint.

Thank you for apologizing...I know it took a lot and it meant a lot more to me. Thank you for understanding.

Thanks for stopping me to say hi that's made my semester so much better.

My year in photos

Me with black hair and my alligator that my friend D.M gave me when she came back from Montreal for NASH! You may also note the nose ring :)

Note the red/purple hair, nose ring and lip ring...I miss my lip ring and am considering putting it back in.

I was officially 'hatted' Editor-in-Chief of 'The Baron'...year two of university was done, and my blue dress looked super cute.

I just fell in love with Saint John...taking the time to see the town and just going for a walk.

I got a new haircut, lost about 30lbs by this time, back to black hair and fell in love with my glasses. By this time, I was living in the Dunn for the summer.

Finally jumped off a wharf...twice! My grandmother forgot to take the photo the first time. I was down about 50lbs by this time :)

August at 6am...did my first bike trip from Saint John to Grand Manan. Was down about 70lbs by this time and in really great shape. Hopefully with my 22 days off (starting tomorrow) I can drop a few pounds and tone up again...but I'm still a cutie!

September: Left: Shining shoes for "Shine Day" Right: Toga Party with friend

I had the opportunity to go to Ottawa, Ontario and then to Sackville, New Brunswick. It was rather amazing and I loved the opportunities I was given. Thank you Professor M. for nominating me and to 'The Baron' for taking me along on this epic adventure!

Sam and I got...happy...and decided to create a snowman indoors. This is completely normal behaviour, right? :)

Of course, the year is not yet I'm just waiting for even more memories!

Oh, I found a flaw

I believe I was an acceptable wife...maybe not 'great' and possibly, at times, a complete screw-up but for the most part, I could handle being a wife. I liked knowing where I stood, having someone to wake up with, feeling like I had that partner...Currently, I'd really like the damn divorce!

However, that's not the point. My problem is I don't understand dating or relationships at all. I don't understand how it goes from dating to relationship, the time-frame, what to do, what constitutes as dating versus hooking doesn't make sense in my mind. I'm trying to understand it but it's not really that much fun.

When you're dating someone, can you date other people? Should you date other people? Do you discuss dating other people? What happen if one person is dating and the other isn't? *Insert awkward silence here! What happens if you want or don't want to date other people and the other person disagrees? When does monogamy start? Is it a talked about thing or is it just done?

What if the other person is sleeping with other people? How do you bring that up? I mean, do you even have the right to ask? Would I want to be asked? (Answer: no)

If I say no, am I committing to soon? But if I say yeah, go ahead, am I slutty or going to get hurt? (Answer: hurt more than slutty) It seems like a lose-lose situation for chicks!

What about the 'What do you want from this _____?" Can you even call it a relationship if it's dating? Do you want a relationship? Do I want a relationship? Can I handle a relationship? (Answer: Finally a yes). What do you do when what you want changes? Do you just have that awful conversation again or is it just it?

I thought I'd never want to be the girl who settles down again but I miss the weird things...I miss cooking for someone else, or being there when something good or bad happens...I miss the support system that grows with time...but dating is a totally strange phenomenon.

Oddly enough, I'm quite secure in what I'm doing...I just don't like figuring out labels and how to explain things.

I think it's time to work on my essays for least I can still ace schoolwork, even if I am terrible when it comes to my social life!

Positive thinking by the power of crystals

I heard about a person who used crystals (aka shiny rocks) for positive energy and some sort of new-age healing. Honestly, I laughed at first but then I realized it's a great idea. Seriously, the more I thought about it the more I understood why it was so healing, so I tried it, I felt better, more refreshed, rejuvinated and even giddy at times.

Here is how to get some positive energy and healing for your stressful days with the use of crystals:

Step One- Buy crystals or go outside and pick up some pretty rocks. Some books may tell you the 'type' or colour matters. This is a lie. Weight matters though.

Step Two- Find the loser who ticked you off yesterday, today, two weeks ago...the source of your stress and hindrance to your enlightened path.

Step Three- Throw your rocks/crystals at them until you feel better. Repeat until smiling.

Step Four- Poke them in their first, second and third eye.

Step Five- Repeat on other 'sources of stress' until calm, cool and collected.

See, positive thinking at it's best. You're less stressed and they're not going to mess with you again...

I have recently been informed that I'm 'doing it wrong'...I used steps 1-3 and changed their mind. I feel much healthier now!