Cat are smarter than humans

I woke up this morning and said, "Oh shit" not because it was a bad morning but because my cat, a senior at the ripe old age of 10 or so, missed the litter box completely. As I began to clean it up, I realized I'm my cat's slave.

I work for free, without so much as a thank you. Instead of being loving and gracious, Madame Cat decided to watch and , in my opinion, critique my work of cleaning, spraying and scrubbing. After my hands were washed, she demanded I give her attention and a back massage.

She is fed and when out of food, only needs to scream (aka meow) for more...NOW! She sits and demands treats, doesn't get punished even when she does something wrong and is waited on hand and foot.

I crawl to drag her out from under the chair at times...I'm positive she believes I am worshiping her. She doesn't earn her keep as she would run from a rodent...she eats, sleeps, poops, and occasionally allows her adoring subjects to look upon her lovingly. Her hair is brushed, she never cleans a toilet and is routinely fed without having to prepare the nibbles or do dishes.

Forget being a lawyer, my goal in life is to be a house-cat.

If real life was like Glee

What would happen if real life was like Glee? Yes, the 'teenager's who dance in the halls to different songs and attempt to survive high school' show that has got people dancing in their seats and showing off their spirit fingers. Well, let me tell you...

First, you'll never actually go to class. Your day will consist of hanging out in the halls with friends, singing 'Telephone' in the extremely clean, graffiti-free washroom with a stranger, and dealing with bullies.

You'll immediately be part of a clique. You'll be in Glee-club and, of course, be a loser because talented people suck, right? The jocks hang with the jocks and the cheerleaders are exclusively exclusive...I can't say that reminds me of my high school at all!

You'll try drinking only once. You'll establish it's not for you. Drugs don't exist unless the nurse over-prescribes them.

Anyone you know who is 'out of the closet' will be fabulously dressed.

Jocks are stupid...except the Asian one. They will also get away with throwing slushies at people on a daily basis and not be charged for assault or kicked out of school.

The cheerleading coach has her own office. She will also get away with abusing kids on a regular basis.

Everyone you know will be dressed as though they walked out of a catalog...even if they're trying to look bad, it's 'greasy-goodness.'

No one smokes unless they're trying to be tough.

Everyone will get laid at the same time in the same 30 minutes...but it's not a planned event. It will also be videotaped but that's normal too.

The girl who was your boyfriend's first will be your friend...or at least, tolerated Bullshit she will.

The really stupid girl who believes the Irish boy is a leprechaun...nah, she's not on drugs!

There are no teenage mothers that keep their kids. And only one person actually got pregnant. Obviously, Glee is NOT based in Saint John.

Your friend who was arrested once, slept with your girlfriend, hooked up with your new girlfriend, who is currently hooking up with his child's adopted mother will still be accepted by you.

The lockers will open, the school will be clean and there are no janitors walking around. The teacher's lounge actually looks like a place teachers would WANT to be...not a dungeon.

Everyone can sing...and most people can dance well. You'll spontaneously break out into song and no one will notice...or throw slushies at you. Some people will even join in, in key no less.

Welcome to your life if real-life were like Glee. Personally, I like reality.

Positive thinking by the power of crystals

I heard about a person who used crystals (aka shiny rocks) for positive energy and some sort of new-age healing. Honestly, I laughed at first but then I realized it's a great idea. Seriously, the more I thought about it the more I understood why it was so healing, so positive...as I tried it, I felt better, more refreshed, rejuvinated and even giddy at times.

Here is how to get some positive energy and healing for your stressful days with the use of crystals:

Step One- Buy crystals or go outside and pick up some pretty rocks. Some books may tell you the 'type' or colour matters. This is a lie. Weight matters though.

Step Two- Find the loser who ticked you off yesterday, today, two weeks ago...the source of your stress and hindrance to your enlightened path.

Step Three- Throw your rocks/crystals at them until you feel better. Repeat until smiling.

Step Four- Poke them in their first, second and third eye.

Step Five- Repeat on other 'sources of stress' until calm, cool and collected.

See, positive thinking at it's best. You're less stressed and they're not going to mess with you again...

I have recently been informed that I'm 'doing it wrong'...I used steps 1-3 and changed their mind. I feel much healthier now!