Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Coming at you from another potty moment

As I was peeing for the 100th time tonight, I realized I never bothered getting over my ex.  Instead I ignored that it hurt.   Why would I actually deal with the pain? It hurts - I want to take a pill and make it better or maybe just forget that it exists and that it's not really dealt with.  It's been tucked away and ignored.

 I ignored the fact that it hurt and that he hurt me and that I'm upset...and I wish he was miserable without me because I'm just that awesome, right?  I realized that I am still shaken because he can do just fine without me.  He doesn't need me or think his life is worse because I'm not in it - He was okay leaving me out of his maybe I'm not that awesome. 

I figured it out.  I don't miss him...I miss my confidence. I miss that sparkle that just sort stopped glittering because he was the first guy after I left Justin that I let close to me.  He was the first guy I wanted to be with longer than a week.  He was the first guy I brought home to my parents...and it hurts.

I think what hurts more is that it's silly that I have to be upset now because I thought one session of crying and ignoring it with Magic Mike would make it better.  I thought that if I slept with my favorite go-to guy, I'd feel didn't.  I thought that if I started dating someone new it would help...surprise, it didn't.

Instead, I'm stuck.  It's no longer about's about me.  I'm upset because I don't feel as kick-ass.  I feel as though I'm going to wind up alone forever because I'm doing something wrong and I don't know what...

And I also feel like I'm turning into a whiny pathetic weenie who should have just hauled up her big girl panties, driven to Freddy and slapped him for not having the balls to come down and break up in person.  While we're at it, who drinks tea and does yoga?  Seriously, grow a pair and take up coffee, scotch and P90-X. 

Mantra: I'm awesome.  I know I'm awesome.  And if I wind up alone, I'll get an amazing awesome dog and name it Tinkerbell or Bunnykins or something so cute, it won't be scary.  

I think I needed to vent...I feel better now.  And glad that I realized that it's not about him but my own insecurities...which, after writing about, are just momentary lapses in judgment. 


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Not interested in stupidity

What is it about unavailable men?  Seriously, as I sit here, working on studying for a midterm tomorrow, I've realized that maybe I have certain friends that just...suck (I changed this word three times trying to be nicer) .  Yes, he (or she) is nice, smart, funny, sexy as hell...but instead of feeling like we're friends, I feel like a royally ignored bitch. 

First, I'm not a mean, terrible, awful person.  A little cold and callous maybe but NOT this cold-hearted ice queen...and I don't appreciate the look of sheer surprise when I attempt to be a tad nicer because I know he or she is busy.

Because I have attempted to incorporate someone else's busy schedule into my life does not mean I was mean before all this crap -it means that I didn't have to make plans with you...I mean, him.  It was because he actually wanted to hang out and I didn't have to get on my knees and beg...

Secondly, why is there always that guy that I'm willing to throw my cards on the table, take that huge gamble for and know that I'm going to lose out.  Seriously, it's like drugs.  I like the rush, the craziness, the intensity...but then, I'm totally screwed....well, yes, I am...but I'm also hurt.  I just don't get it.  My heart's not getting involved, I don't want to date him, I want friendship but goodness knows, it feels like this is some sort of stupid thing that he's terrified of.  Yeah, I get up - I decided to date someone, you got hurt blah blah blah... but why is someone that terrified of hanging out with me.  I don't bite...hard.

Finally, since when is it acceptable for friends to constantly ignore friends?  Again...I don't bite! What the hell did I do to hurt Mr.Someone?  I just don't get it.

Anyways, I'm sure he's reading this and I'm sure I'll get a tongue lashing...but screw it.  Maybe it's time to find a new friend - But I don't know if I want to...