That Stupid Voice

I heard that voice again tonight - it was the same one I heard constantly two years ago.  It was just a whisper in the back of my head that told me if I just stop eating, Bamp will get better...figure that one out.  I know logically this is a lie - it is physically impossible. 

I know it's my mind's way of coping with stress - it's easier to focus on being hungry, on losing weight, on obsessing with every calorie than it is to be afraid or cry every time I'm alone.  

I know I can't listen to that voice.  I can't give in for a second or else I'm going to be sick again.  My body will be sore, I'll be full of bruises and I'll have my fingers down my throat once again.  I don't need to go back to that place again - it was hard enough to crawl out of the first two times around.  So I'm going to go get a shower...then I'm going to drink some juice and eat a spoonful of peanut butter.

Welcome to the world of anxiety...it manifests itself in so many ways but none of them are healthy.  

    

The top ten reasons I'm giving up men again

Realistically, I tend to meet a lot of very interesting guys...once in a great while 'interesting' actually means "Cool guy that I could see myself dating" not "He just got out of the psych ward and his eyes are looking in different directions." The past couple of months I feel as though I've been saying the following constantly to many different guys:

-"No, I don't want to see your penis"

-"I don't care how big it is - I don't want to see it"

-"No, it's not the biggest I've ever seen"

-"If you don't get your hand off my ass, you'll be giving yourself head"

-"No I'm not gay, I'm just not into YOU in particular"

-"Fine, I'm gay...do you feel better about your masculinity?"

-"I don't care how fast your car/truck/motorcycle goes, don't care that you have a boat, don't care that you were just that cool in high school"

-"...if you haven't noticed, I'm more of a Happinez/BigTide girl - not Cougars/Tonic"

-"I'm really really not interested...really"

-"wow you're such a great...oh your boyfriend is into...nevermind"

Really, can I please just meet ONE good guy? I'm not asking for much - okay maybe I am. See next blog post for list of what I want in a man.

Tips to Keeping a new years resolution

As my friend D. says, I like lists. I really do. It brings out my sarcastic nature, my crazy personality and...they're quick! So before I dash off to class with Professor Toner (not the Science one though), I'm writing my ideas on how to keep that New Years Resolution.

1) Tell people- If you want to lose 20lbs or run a marathon, tell people. You'll be more likely to keep yourself accountable if other people ask how you're doing with that goal.

2) Get a buddy- For me, Ashley is a doll because he wants to do a half-marathon as well. Hello running buddy! Get someone that has a similar goal and work together!

3) Be specific- From quitting smoking to losing weight, be specific. If your goal is to not procrastinate, figure out when you do it and why and then figure out safeguards so you can change your habits. For me, it's going to bed at a decent hour so I've started setting my alarm for 7:20am. I know if I stay up for that new episode of "Toddlers and Tiara's" (Aka: Legal Child Abuse), I'll feel like crap in the a.m. and might miss the gym.

4) Don't overhaul your life in one day- Kudos to you for trying to give up smoking/drinking/overeating AND deciding that you'll go to the gym every day this year. Want to bet it doesn't happen? I may as well take your money now. Start little and work your way up. Have mini goals. For me, it's losing 10lbs and going to the gym Monday-Friday for this month. February might be busier and I'm not setting myself up to fail. I'll reevaluate every month and go from there. For this goal, I need to be up in the morning...no more sleeping in. I will learn to love mornings or at least, tolerate them.

5) Don't be afraid to ask for help- I'm no weight loss expert so I ask people what they've done, what works for them and why. For some, it's diet and very little exercise. For me, I get an adrenaline high out of working out. I'm also vegetarian (vegan doesn't fit my lifestyle in the school year) so I can cut out so much processed food instantly!

6) Don't be afraid to fail- I was told by my friend A. (not asked, mind you but a direct statement) that I was afraid I'd lose at something because he saw I was hesitant to do it. I have great ideas and really feel I'd be good at the job but I'm terrified that I won't get it. You know, he was right. I'm scared that I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, eloquent enough...and I'm scared to fail. Failure happens. We don't always get everything we want but failure mean's I tried. That's a hell of a lot better than sitting on my ass wishing "what if..."

Well, I have class and after 8 cups of coffee, really need to pee. I can't blog as much as I have been because of class but I'm going to attempt one a day.