Saturday, February 18, 2012

First angry moment at boyfriend

My boyfriend showed up at res yesterday slightly plastered (on a scale of 0 being sober and 10 being drunk - he rated himself a 7). I didn't mind that. I'd rather him be here after a night with the boys just so I can at least make sure he gets some water and is okay.

What I held issue with was that he thought he was okay to drive himself here.

My personal rule (that I don't hold anyone else to) is one drink means no driving for the night. That way, I don't get stupid or careless or try to push my own limits. For other people, follow the law on this one. It really does have a reason.

I got angry at first, calmed down before I left my dorm room to let him in and then realized, I war furious because I was scared. Too many people - and too many Grand Mananer's - are dead because of alcohol and vehicles. I don't want to see him injured or killed...or hurt someone else because of one bad night, one turn of the wheel too quickly.

Thankfully, he understood my position...and I left out the part of 'if this happens again, ever - if we're dating or not - I will personally call the police and tell them where you are.' He also agreed next time he goes out - I get his car keys.

Admittedly, it's harsh - but you know what's harder? Going to the funeral of a person you care about...or standing beside them in court because they accidentally killed someone.

Friday, February 17, 2012

A boys night out

So my boyfriend is out on a bender with the boys tonight. Now, let me put things in perspective here - he's not a heavy drinker, we've had one drinking night since we got together. He, like every other student, is stressed, tired and slightly worn out. He had a chill weekend and was able to relax and go out with the boys.

Now, here's where I come in - anytime I was with my ex, I didn't recognize it but I was terrified he was going to cheat on me when he was out with the guys. I didn't know WHAT he was up to, got no details and didn't trust him worth anything...

New BF...hmm...he needs a nickname and I bet he'd be ticked if I called him Pooky so lets call him...Pooky (after Garfield's teddy bear).

I trust Pooky (oh, I like this nickname). I didn't realize that I haven't really trusted anyone since Justin (I don't care about him so his real name can go on here). I've always expected guys to hurt me so I ran away first...ran may actually be an understatement - I hightailed it faster than a fat kid going after the ice cream cart!

Pooky is out with the boys and I trust him...that's a pretty amazing feeling! And it's 11pm and he's texting that he's done being out with the boys...he misses me and wants to come over.

Gotta say, I'm smiling.

A great end to a...not so great week

After a week that I can only call full of turmoil, Friday ended amazingly. As my close friends know, some things I've been advised not to blog about - work stuff.

One thing after another led to a weekend where I was ready to just say 'I'm done with this job, this school and I just don't care about it anymore.' was that bad. Thankfully, when things get bad - good things happen.

Someone thanked me for my work with the paper, other people asked how I was doing with the meeting I had - my boyfriend was amazing. I really can't ask for anyone better and finally, we have the Blood Drive at the school - the one I organized.

Let's just say I remember why I do this. People are ultimately good and they deserve the opportunity to show they are willing to help others. I am so proud of my school, the students I am with, people who came down to try to donate blood and people who were terrified and still did.

The blood drive was successful enough we ran out of time and had to turn people away. This really is a great day!

I stayed in tonight to get some homework done, a test on Monday and another test on Thursday. Both are not easy classes and I definitely have a lot to study for this weekend. My boyfriend is having a boys night out - more to come in the next blog on that one :)

Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Great idea gone terribly wrong

So I've been dating probably the best guy for me right now- he's an engineering student, doesn't get worked up, fun, easy to get along with - and he's leaving in August to go to Fredericton so before we began dating, we had this bright idea to break up when the summer was over.

In theory, this works...but I actually like him - probably more than I thought I would.

I want to hide under a rock.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

3 years on the 19th...time does fly by.

On the 19th of February, I left my ex 3 years ago. I have been trying to find out why I've been so off lately...depressed, tearing up, angry, tired and not even caring about grades or anything else lately and I think this is why.

It's a hard moment to remember and I think I'll remember it for a long time. I can forget my wedding anniversary - that was a happy day. It was a great day filled with love and friends and family. It was a moment when I was so unbelievably in love that my heart hurt.

The 19th though was the complete opposite. My heart broke apart that day...and yes, it's patched up but there are still a lot of cracks.

This is the first year I can't hide away from everything. I have a job, a life, a boyfriend...I can't just hide in my room with a book, throw myself into school and ignore people. I hate this feeling though because I really just want to hide away from the world. I hate showing weakness and not being as perfectly in control of my emotions is hard for me - in part because I'm constantly scared I'm going to have a panic attack or I'm just going to need medicine again so I can stay level. The joys of bipolar...a fear that when you start to cry, you won't be able to stop and the depression will just eat you little by little.

I guess the only thing I can do is remind myself is that I'm allowed to feel the way I do, I'm allowed to be angry, sad, upset and depressed. I'm allowed to be emotional but I refuse to push people away because I'm upset. I refuse to forget that I have an amazing support system; a family that loves me, a boyfriend who is convinced ice cream is a terrible get well food but doesn't say anything when I eat it and say it helps (Besides, what does he know though - he's only got three doctors in the family).

Ultimately, I am here in university because I left. I don't think I'm stupid anymore - even though I hear the words most days in the back of my head. I'm not terrified of being yelled at or of controversy because no one can make me feel worse than my ex did. I'm not constantly panicking because I'm wrong about something, I forgot something, I'm going to make someone angry...I still stress about being perfect though and stress out easily over controversy - something Anthony mentioned and I didn't really realize I did it but I do.

I still have scars but I'm recognizing them now - that's a first for me. 3 years...I wonder what the next 3 are going to look like.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Sleeping arrangements

Last night was my first night curled up in my own bed alone since Tuesday and just let say this - I love it. Most people are so sentimental or excited about sleeping over (literally, just sleeping mom) at a friend's or boyfriend's house or at a hotel.

I'm almost the opposite - I really enjoy just sleeping alone. I don't like the warmth (or cold) of another person. I'm a blanket hog, I snore, I don't like giving my pillows away. Yes, it's selfish but I don't like one side of the bed or another...I like the middle!

Thankfully, I don't go away TOO often and my boyfriend is amazing about giving me space - an essential in my life.

Now to head out for a bit and go out for a drive - I need a bit of a moment away from studying (not that much studying has been accomplished today).

Monday, February 13, 2012

My realizations hit me like a brick wall

I've been complaining today about it being a crappy day. Why? Student politics have me down, my work has been called into question, things aren't going just's just been a bad day.

Then, as I was walking back to my room from the library, a security guy told me to be careful - it was slippery. Well, that was nice of him. I appreciated that and walked a little slower.

My boyfriend has been amazing through this - extremely supportive and just great. I appreciate that too.

John and Ugie were two other kind ears - it didn't take a lot but I didn't say thanks to them either...but I really did appreciate it.

Anthony listened to me worry all morning and didn't get angry - huh, didn't say thanks there but I really appreciated that too.

Finally, I realized something - there is a woman on Grand Manan mourning the loss of her husband. She spent last night not knowing where he was or if he'd come home. The is a daughter mourning her father's death.

And I'm complaining about my day? I need to learn to appreciate things more and not focus on the irritants. Nothing bad happened today - it was irritating and annoying but it wasn't bad. It wasn't heartbreaking.

To Vern's family, I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through but please know, there is an entire island of people who are thinking about you, praying for you and are with you in thought and spirit.

Know thy enemies

I absolutely hate not knowing something that may impact me - whether it is information about something I did wrong, something someone said or pretty much anything else - so when I got an email today about a meeting, I was concerned.

So for my next blog, a top seven list of how to prepare to defend yourself professionally:

1) Refuse to give an answer: I only suggest this when the question is absolutely none of their business. If someone brings up 'One two many', I decline to answer. Why? Because I have freedom of speech and also, this is not my professional writing. This is my method of attracting people to my unique pattern of thoughts and let people know what's going on in my life.

2) Dress professionally: There's something about walking into a room thinking "I look like I'm ready to kick some ass." If you're in sweats, you'll feel like a sock. Wear your power suit and rock it.

3) Don't drink coffee (okay, maybe a little bit) and no coke: Look, you want to be suave and you can't be that person if you're hyped up on java or illegal white substances.

4) Do your homework: Know the complaint, piece together possible situations and solutions. Don't walk into a meeting where you're going to be questioned without having the questions. It's a stupid move because you could be blindsided and wind up picking yourself up off the ground.

5) Don't be intimidated: You're doing a job and mistakes happen. Even if you're wrong, learn from it but don't let people scare you either...unless you've embezzled millions and are going to afraid.

6) Don't interrupt but don't be afraid to speak either: Do not just sit there in silence. If you were right and you're being blamed for something - speak up. If you were wrong and you're being called out on it - apologize.

7) Anxiety makes you work harder - Let your anxiety work for you and just work your butt off until you're comfortable.

A story to remind me that things get better.

There once was a land - not far from here - actually it was right here where it was ruled by an evil overlord named Fluffy Bunny.

Admittedly, the name Fluffy Bunny did not install fear into the hearts of the students: both nobility and overly cologned (formally known as the unwashed but their union got together and thought this was a derogatory statement as there was quite a bit of humidity in John Saint which lead to default washing). Fluffy Bunny was terrible though - she bit her subjects and pooped in the pepsi cooler. Within weeks, she was an unloved overlord - and the masses revolted.

They borrowed the Baxter Milk truck and chased Fluffy Bunny up a tree where the science students had rigged a laser to a nearby building and fried her.

Fluffy Bunny will be served in the cafeteria tomorrow afternoon with peas, carrots and mashed potatoes.

Anthony Enman has first dibs on a drumstick.

Dear Monday, FU

I hate Mondays - today isn't even a real Monday though. It's a "Let's kick Sam while she's down" sort of day.

From coming back from NFLD and having every bloody plane delayed to an e-mail that definitely upset me this morning, it's been one of those days.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Typing from an airport

I haven't been on here for awhile even though I want to keep writing. It's been crazy busy and whatnot lately. Currently I am sitting on the floor of the Halifax Airport waiting for my flight back to New Brunswick. I just spent the weekend in Newfoundland (St. John's).

While it wasn't the weekend I expected and currently I am rather angry over some lame-ass excuse from some guy who's lazier than a sloth, I will be so happy to just get home, get some homework done, relax with my boyfriend and chill.

That's right folks - I am actually okay with having a boyfriend and realized all the stuff I was feeling was my own insecurity coming out - not him. He's still an engineering student - but no one's perfect.

Anyways, here are some pics from NFLD.

The view from my hotel
The war monument (on the right)
The STIHL sign is for dad :)