Saturday, December 17, 2011

The argument over a jacket

As I sit at my table on Grand Manan, attempting to write a lecture titled: "Using your writing to your advantage" or some other lame-ass title for a pretty awesome speech, I realized I was hearing the echoing of my parents arguing wafted through the house. What were they arguing about, you ask...A jacket. Whose jacket was it? Where did it come from? Who bought the jacket?

My favorite quip came from my father as he said, "Well, I'm sorry but I didn't buy this jacket."
My mother's retort? "You might not have bought it but it's yours. Put it on."
Dad: "But I didn't need a work jacket."
Mom: "No, you needed a good jacket." (Round one goes to the mother)

As I listen to this slightly comedic argument ultimately won by mother who made my father try on the jacket, explaining the purpose of having said jacket, and basically just bombarding him with reasons why, yes, it was in fact his, it dawned on me about where I get my ability to argue. The opposing council would be shaking if they meet my mother.

Finally, in attempting to listen to the argument, I stepped on one cat, riled up two dogs, and spooked one cat into landing on the ceiling. I'm glad to be back but we've got some messed up animals in this house.

My first weekend home, however, is going to be mellow. I'm enjoying my time in bed (alone) and am all dolled up in my super-sexy pj's...they're certainly a 'hoot.' It's now 9:40...I'm off to snuggle into bed! Having no more class until January is amazing!

Gift wrap is designed to drive good people to the bottle

Gift wrapping is always an adventure when I get to work. I haul out the safety scissors, duct tape, glue, bandaids, whiskey and occasionally, bubble wrap. It doesn't matter if the present is in a box, bag, or is perfectly square, I cannot get it to look good. My steps for gift wrapping are as followed. Please learn from my mistakes:

Step one- Find wrapping paper/tape/glue/post-it notes and anything else that might work to hide said present.
Step two- lay present in the middle of wrapping paper
Step three- Drink wine in an attempt to be more sophisticated as I wrap presents
Step four- Tape paper to box or directly to the present at any angle possible. Give up hiding present in paper.
Step five- Find duct tape
Step six- Grab dog, attach duct tape roll to their tail. Hold end of tape. Throw treat. Section off long pieces of duct tape this way until present is completely covered.
Step seven- Remove duct tape from dog
Step eight- Remove teeth from arm
Step nine- Give up on wine, go for the cup of Fireball...add a shot of eggnog for some festive cheer
Step ten- Promise yourself (like you do every year) that you will invest in a professional to wrap said presents.
Step eleven- Go see the nurses at the hospital with your pre-baked cookies for them to get your yearly shots against animal disease and stitches for the bites.

Tomorrow's Blog: Why baking holiday cookies is deadly.


Being back on Grand Manan always has it's advantages and disadvantages. This time the rumour-mill is swishing with gossip...just not about me! Oh thank goodness. I am not pregnant, addicted to crack, sleeping with multiple people and a sheep or selling small children to the community school for slave labour.

The best one I've heard so far is:

Grand Mananer: "So are you down for the wedding?"
Me: What wedding?
GM: Your sisters wedding?
Me: What wedding?

Fortunately for me, all I've heard is "I saw you on TV" or "I heard you on the radio"...everyone is famous in a small town!


After reading last night's post, I have made a new decision: No blogging when tired! Apparently, I get whiny.

Today is progressing wonderfully already. I awoke at an early 7:45 (if you haven't noticed, my typical bedtime is a couple hours before that, however, I was in bed by 11pm last night), I have a hair appointment in which I'm not terrified that she'll mess it up like I am in the city, and finally, I have my puppy, my other puppy, my ugly cat, and 2 new of which will bark for food (not really, but she's all about the treats).

Pictures later, I'm sure :)

Friday, December 16, 2011

25 things I cannot do on Grand Manan

I realized as I was curled up in someone else's bed enjoying the remnants of a whiskey buzz that I was going to be home for almost three whole entire weeks. Three weeks. Almost 21 days. After I stopped mentally cursing (okay, so there was some vocal cursing as well), I realized I was pretty happy to be going home for the holidays but I was going to miss my freedom in Saint John.

Being from a small town (we're talking 1500 people tops - we get excited over a new streetlight small), there's a few things I can't do for a few good reasons. As per my usual blog-quickly style since I am slightly exhausted and ready for goes. 25 things I cannot do on Grand Manan

-Get off Grand Manan any time I want
-See a certain bloke who believes I'm ridiculously young and wearing false eyelashes
-Get Starbucks and chill with a book there
-Relax in my office
-Go to the library with a coffee (apparently, the GM library is archaic and believes students don't need caffeine and then we wonder why the good kids are on Ritalin)
-Hook up with a stranger (not that I'd want to...but I know everyone here so they're not strangers)
-Anything in secret (literally, can't get away with anything)
-Go see a movie at the theater
-Eat fast food (we don't have it)
-Get Tim Horton's coffee (don't have that either)
-Go to a club (not that I really go to clubs, but we don't have those either)
-Date (I'm related to most of them, the others are married or diseased)
-Take public transit...guess what, we don't have that either
-Go to a comment on the slight excuse for a bar that we may or may not have because it's absolutely useless.
-Go outside my room without getting dog/cat hair on my clothes
-Eat real ethnic food
-Have pizza delivered
-Order pizza past 10pm...possibly 9
-Walk around the entire grocery store and not know anyone
-Get my heel fixed on my shoe
-Wear short/cute clothing without getting grumped at by my grandparents or mother
-Speed...there's just no point (the movement, not the drug).
-Steal a car (where would I take it? There's water all around me).
-Get channels about 35 on cable
And finally...I can't wear heels because there is no good sidewalks and everything is too far.

Since I'm being whiny and grumpy, I'm taking my whiskey and going to bed...sans whiskey. G'night and let the Christmas countdown commence.

Quit drooling and begin to be afraid

For the record, I do own this bra...and it has about an inch of padding on it. I was asked, what exactly is the purpose of said bra. Why would I wear something that creates a false illusion. Well, let's talk about my boobs...and let's see how many words I can find for breasts as well!

Simply put, I like how the double push up fills out my shirts better and realistically, it's not like Spanx. If I were to go home with a guy (which I don't because incidentally, I'm 99.9% sure my mother reads my blog), I would not have to peel off something that looks as though it belongs in my grandmother throw-away bin.

Also, if a guy decides to point out my smaller ta-ta's when I'm naked, I'll laugh at his penis size and walk away.

Here's the other thing I have realized. Some men are too busy staring at my chest to realize I am actually an intelligent individual who will, without their realizing, feed them their own testicles on a silver platter given half a chance. I consider these people to be even more ridiculous because they are drooling over two foam bowls attached to my bust to realize they are telling me everything I want to know and more.

A warning to all you men who consider ogling a professional past time - women are onto it. We embrace it. We use it to our advantage and you will get screwed over. Welcome to the 21st century. You have been outwitted by two fatty funsacks.

For 295 other euphemisms for breasts, click here: Chimichongas (yet another nickname)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Dear fellow women,

What the hell is this? First, these are the biggest granny panties I have ever seen and secondly, why?

Are you that concerned about a muffin top? or love handles? or whatever? How about you just embrace the fact that you actually eat real food and have other things going on in your life that restricts you from having an ass like Olivia Wilde.

This makes me shake my head and say: "Why not wear something comfortable or maybe even *gasp* sexy?" I mean, can you imagine going home with someone (your honey included). He's going to be asking: "How can find a way to peel her out of this contraption?!"

I'm not saying don angel wings (although perhaps I am) but if I ever have to hoist my knickers up by my bra strap with some suspender-like contraption...I've been trying to write what I'm going to do but I'm coming up with nothing except burn my underwear and go commando.

If real life was like Glee

What would happen if real life was like Glee? Yes, the 'teenager's who dance in the halls to different songs and attempt to survive high school' show that has got people dancing in their seats and showing off their spirit fingers. Well, let me tell you...

First, you'll never actually go to class. Your day will consist of hanging out in the halls with friends, singing 'Telephone' in the extremely clean, graffiti-free washroom with a stranger, and dealing with bullies.

You'll immediately be part of a clique. You'll be in Glee-club and, of course, be a loser because talented people suck, right? The jocks hang with the jocks and the cheerleaders are exclusively exclusive...I can't say that reminds me of my high school at all!

You'll try drinking only once. You'll establish it's not for you. Drugs don't exist unless the nurse over-prescribes them.

Anyone you know who is 'out of the closet' will be fabulously dressed.

Jocks are stupid...except the Asian one. They will also get away with throwing slushies at people on a daily basis and not be charged for assault or kicked out of school.

The cheerleading coach has her own office. She will also get away with abusing kids on a regular basis.

Everyone you know will be dressed as though they walked out of a catalog...even if they're trying to look bad, it's 'greasy-goodness.'

No one smokes unless they're trying to be tough.

Everyone will get laid at the same time in the same 30 minutes...but it's not a planned event. It will also be videotaped but that's normal too.

The girl who was your boyfriend's first will be your friend...or at least, tolerated Bullshit she will.

The really stupid girl who believes the Irish boy is a leprechaun...nah, she's not on drugs!

There are no teenage mothers that keep their kids. And only one person actually got pregnant. Obviously, Glee is NOT based in Saint John.

Your friend who was arrested once, slept with your girlfriend, hooked up with your new girlfriend, who is currently hooking up with his child's adopted mother will still be accepted by you.

The lockers will open, the school will be clean and there are no janitors walking around. The teacher's lounge actually looks like a place teachers would WANT to be...not a dungeon.

Everyone can sing...and most people can dance well. You'll spontaneously break out into song and no one will notice...or throw slushies at you. Some people will even join in, in key no less.

Welcome to your life if real-life were like Glee. Personally, I like reality.

Why can't he have the pork?

I have a friend who, oddly enough, gets mistaken for Arab (he's from the far and distant land of Saskatchewan). His complaint has been the newer cafeteria people as well as many others assume he doesn't eat pork because he is Muslim. He is not.

Well, let me tell you- he likes meat. He's a HUGE fan of meat. There is nothing he likes more than a good, chunk of meat in his just give him the sausage, the bacon and the chops...give him the 'other white meat'.

(For the record, I made him hold my purse and took a photo then said I would blog about him later...I just didn't know what to say. He really is straight...I promise).

The most irritating blog ideas

I would love to say everyone who desires to be creative can be but alas, the blogging-sphere has proven to me that not all writers are created equal. Some writers are actually creative, intellectual individuals and some are not. Some people are genuinely interesting while some people genuinely believe they are interesting.

In my favorite style using a list as my friend D. pointed out that I love to do, here are the top blogs to avoid at all cost...and by all costs, gouging out one's eyes with pencils in true Joker-style is a plan to avoid reading these following works of...something.

Blog Title #1- 'See my children? Aren't they great? Let's capture every moment of their life in photos'
I'm not sure how to tell some parent this but the rest of the world truly doesn't care about your children and this entire blog is a waste of internet space. I don't care if the internet is infinite, I can't get those precious seconds of my life back! Your kids aren't super-amazing, all-knowing, wonder-children...they are bug-eating balls of germs. Deal with it, embrace it and blog about real life (as you decent off cloud 9 and back into reality).

Blog Title #2- 'It's all about my, really, my life revolves around Mr. Biggles'
I understand you're lonely but an entire blog about a c
at? It eats, it drinks, it shreds your leather shoes, and it poops. While I truly do love my cat, if you find the most exciting part of your day is your kitty, go find a real friend with two (or even one - no discrimination here) legs.

Blog Title #3- 'I have no creative ability so I post other people's work'
If I wanted to read other people's work, I would go read their blogs/postings/papers or books. I will not bother with your blog because there is something call
ed the MSN homepage. Thanks anyways but you're useless.

Blog Title #4- 'I haz no writng...and no gramer or spelchek,'
If you, like, don't, like, understand that...oooohh...this is really, like annoying...please grow up, get your head out of 'Clueless' (look it up because it's
probably older than you are) and stop writing until you realize how much you are embarrassing yourself. Writing is an art and you are the artist who would wind up working as a stripper to make money because your knockoffs aren't selling. Take a class (I suggest grade five) and realize that grammar, punctuation, and intelligent ideas are crucial.
Note: If there are any words that are over your head I'll dumb it down for you - U no write no more. U suk lots. no j/k. thx.

Blog Title #5- 'I'm a DJ'
...And I just don't care.

Ultimately, most people tend to be interesti
ng, however, most people also cannot make their lives appear interesting on paper. Am I interesting? Of course I am. Why? Well, you should see what I can do with my tongue.

And you thought it was something dirty...get your mind outta the gutter!

Tell me a story

I walked out of Hazen Hall into the Quad today. Today, all that was left were three crows playing on the grass were the only living creatures apart from myself in the square - you may not think crows play but they're quite jovial animals. I walked past them and they just stopped and stared, as though I didn't really belong there. I was invading the territory they had taken over.

The sound of the flags snapping in the crisp wind and the dry leaves being swirled across the brick path were the only sounds I heard. My heels echoed sharply against the cement walkway as I moved across this deserted area, an invader within my own home.

It's a discombobulating feeling, knowing that only a few weeks ago students were racing through the paths, across the grass to class, sitting on the bench enjoying a coffee and cigarette, laying under the tree for a quick break...and now, it's totally empty, drained of life. Slightly haunting.

These areas that are supposed to be loud, supposed to be active, have a feeling almost visible in the air when deserted. It's almost as if their energy knows there is supposed to be activity, commotion...anything. It's just waiting for something to happen but in the meantime, the buildings, the benches, even the grass just wait anxiously for that spark that will ignite them, wake them up from their dormant slumber.

January is coming and with it, the renewed energy of students hustling to smoke faster, not be late for class, and hide their faces against the sharp attack of the winter wind. January is coming but for now, winter break is upon us.

Secrets of the Sammy

Insert ominous music here...okay not really. Each of us has our secrets, whether it's "It slipped in accidentally so I refuse to believe it counts' or 'I don't have an online dating account...I have six.' They're stupid little secrets but usually those are the ones that are the most fun to tell people when they slip out!

Top 10 Not-So Dirty Little Secrets

1) If you're shorter than me, no matter how hot you are, I want to pick you and and cuddle you like a puppy dog.

2) I like mustard on a spoon as a snack

3) I am lazy when it comes to clothing. If I'm in a dress, it's because I'm too lazy to find a pant/t-shirt combo and underwear is always optional unless the skirt is really short.

4) I find older guys to be much sexier than guys my age which is why I rarely date anyone under 29. It started when I was hooked on Andy Griffith as a, it's Anderson Cooper.

5) I still have a Neopets account from when I was a teenager...okay, that's rather embarrassing

6) I will easily spend an hour on my hair and makeup on most days.

7) I am so anal about time. I need to know what time something is happening, panic about being late and get really pissed when people are late.

8) Jumping in the puddles is my favorite activity in the world

9) I have Backstreet Boys on my I-pod.

10) I am a terrible sleeper. I snore, I drool, I cuddle, I kick, I steal the covers. I make a terrible sleeping buddy :)

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Winding down in Saint John

Sam, Ashley and I went out to see 'The Muppets' tonight after the Sam team decorated our door for Christmas (see previous blog entry).

Although I did fall asleep for a couple of minutes, it was a great time out with awesome friends! I'm going to miss Sam as she travels back to Ontario :( But the memories are awesome!

This is a close up of our spider on our door. We have established he is a back-woods spider named Billy Bob.

The most awesome reason why you should see this movie!!! I did a little happy dance in my seat!

Also, we brought the wodka-tini's to the theater...that made this scene even better.

I'm done

Who's done exams? I'm done exams! And so...what did I do? It started with a wodka-tini: Watermelon sourpuss, vodka and pineapple juice! So far, so good! In an hour, even better!

We're off to see 'The Muppets' tonight! That's right...I'm off to the theaters :D And here's what Sam S. and I have been up to this far:

This is a my friend says: "It sounds dangerous"

And this is our Christmas door...see our spiders? They were a Halloween thing but now, they're all set for Christmas with their little hats and mittens!

I'm sure I'll post more's going to be a great day!

Last Exam Poem

There was a young woman
Without a clue
About the exam
She was about to do .

She studied all night
Hoping she wouldn't bomb it
But now she's just praying
That she doesn't vomit.

She studied tobacco,
Drugs, drinking and such,
Muttering curse words
Like 'dang it' and 'fudge'

And so she exclaimed,
As she heads out the door,
"All I need is to pass,
I don't ask for much more."

First all nighter of the semester

I thought I was home-free, that I wouldn't need to pull an all-nighter. Of course, my last exam of the term happens to be the one that I am cramming for. One all nighter later and I am aiming for a really really good mark...fingers crossed.

I'll crash around noon tomorrow for the afternoon, then apple-tini night with Sam for a great night of 'The Muppets!'

These blogs should get interesting as I get more and more time.

Monday, December 12, 2011

You know who you are

Dear you,

Thank you for seeing in my face what I'm not saying and asking about it. Thank you for stopping and just talking to me for awhile.

Thank you for all the crazy coffee bladder hates you but I like the company. Thank you for the late nights drinking and then talking nonsense just because we can...

Thank you for letting me use your shower in the morning and making sure the temperature isn't going to burn/freeze me. Thank you for trusting me to make veggie food...and then eating it without a complaint.

Thank you for apologizing...I know it took a lot and it meant a lot more to me. Thank you for understanding.

Thanks for stopping me to say hi that's made my semester so much better.

My year in photos

Me with black hair and my alligator that my friend D.M gave me when she came back from Montreal for NASH! You may also note the nose ring :)

Note the red/purple hair, nose ring and lip ring...I miss my lip ring and am considering putting it back in.

I was officially 'hatted' Editor-in-Chief of 'The Baron'...year two of university was done, and my blue dress looked super cute.

I just fell in love with Saint John...taking the time to see the town and just going for a walk.

I got a new haircut, lost about 30lbs by this time, back to black hair and fell in love with my glasses. By this time, I was living in the Dunn for the summer.

Finally jumped off a wharf...twice! My grandmother forgot to take the photo the first time. I was down about 50lbs by this time :)

August at 6am...did my first bike trip from Saint John to Grand Manan. Was down about 70lbs by this time and in really great shape. Hopefully with my 22 days off (starting tomorrow) I can drop a few pounds and tone up again...but I'm still a cutie!

September: Left: Shining shoes for "Shine Day" Right: Toga Party with friend

I had the opportunity to go to Ottawa, Ontario and then to Sackville, New Brunswick. It was rather amazing and I loved the opportunities I was given. Thank you Professor M. for nominating me and to 'The Baron' for taking me along on this epic adventure!

Sam and I got...happy...and decided to create a snowman indoors. This is completely normal behaviour, right? :)

Of course, the year is not yet I'm just waiting for even more memories!

Oh, I found a flaw

I believe I was an acceptable wife...maybe not 'great' and possibly, at times, a complete screw-up but for the most part, I could handle being a wife. I liked knowing where I stood, having someone to wake up with, feeling like I had that partner...Currently, I'd really like the damn divorce!

However, that's not the point. My problem is I don't understand dating or relationships at all. I don't understand how it goes from dating to relationship, the time-frame, what to do, what constitutes as dating versus hooking doesn't make sense in my mind. I'm trying to understand it but it's not really that much fun.

When you're dating someone, can you date other people? Should you date other people? Do you discuss dating other people? What happen if one person is dating and the other isn't? *Insert awkward silence here! What happens if you want or don't want to date other people and the other person disagrees? When does monogamy start? Is it a talked about thing or is it just done?

What if the other person is sleeping with other people? How do you bring that up? I mean, do you even have the right to ask? Would I want to be asked? (Answer: no)

If I say no, am I committing to soon? But if I say yeah, go ahead, am I slutty or going to get hurt? (Answer: hurt more than slutty) It seems like a lose-lose situation for chicks!

What about the 'What do you want from this _____?" Can you even call it a relationship if it's dating? Do you want a relationship? Do I want a relationship? Can I handle a relationship? (Answer: Finally a yes). What do you do when what you want changes? Do you just have that awful conversation again or is it just it?

I thought I'd never want to be the girl who settles down again but I miss the weird things...I miss cooking for someone else, or being there when something good or bad happens...I miss the support system that grows with time...but dating is a totally strange phenomenon.

Oddly enough, I'm quite secure in what I'm doing...I just don't like figuring out labels and how to explain things.

I think it's time to work on my essays for least I can still ace schoolwork, even if I am terrible when it comes to my social life!

Positive thinking by the power of crystals

I heard about a person who used crystals (aka shiny rocks) for positive energy and some sort of new-age healing. Honestly, I laughed at first but then I realized it's a great idea. Seriously, the more I thought about it the more I understood why it was so healing, so I tried it, I felt better, more refreshed, rejuvinated and even giddy at times.

Here is how to get some positive energy and healing for your stressful days with the use of crystals:

Step One- Buy crystals or go outside and pick up some pretty rocks. Some books may tell you the 'type' or colour matters. This is a lie. Weight matters though.

Step Two- Find the loser who ticked you off yesterday, today, two weeks ago...the source of your stress and hindrance to your enlightened path.

Step Three- Throw your rocks/crystals at them until you feel better. Repeat until smiling.

Step Four- Poke them in their first, second and third eye.

Step Five- Repeat on other 'sources of stress' until calm, cool and collected.

See, positive thinking at it's best. You're less stressed and they're not going to mess with you again...

I have recently been informed that I'm 'doing it wrong'...I used steps 1-3 and changed their mind. I feel much healthier now!

One stupid move

Ever been so impressed with a product that you needed to have it? Of course, you didn't bother shopping around because obviously this is the best product ever and then the realization sinks in that it wasn't.

I just spent about 25$ on Chi volumizing powder...and the G2B version I picked up for $3.99 works just as good...well, at least now I know!

Stumbling back into bed

With coffee in hand and a bagel now in my stomach, I'm seriously questioning why I don't sleep well. I thought I slept quite well for a university student - a whole 4-6 hours each night and usually about 8 hours.

That being said, when I go to bed before midnight, I'm easily up at 6:30am (not willingly)...then I get bored. I could attempt to go back to bed or I could wake up other people because I'm lonely, bored or just feel that if I'm up, other people should be as well!

Unfortunately, this doesn't really work when other people don't want to be awake. Oh well, I'm an adorable sight in the morning...Who doesn't appreciate the terribly frizzy hair, the morning breath, the creaking of my knees? Yep, I'm just that secure with myself that I can say "I am a terribly homely morning person."

Anyways, I'm off to study for another test tomorrow. My final exam of the semester then, get ready for a meeting with the Board of Directors and prepare my presentation for the grade 10 GMCS class on the 19th.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Time to eat some reindeer steak

I actually don't mind Christmas this year as compared to other years when I feel like a Scrooge. I have presents picked for my sister, my father, and I know what I'm getting my sister's boyfriend...however, if I go into one more store and hear the exact same song playing on repeat, I may jingle some bells into the floor and have reindeer steak for supper.

I like Christmas music in moderation...moderation does not mean 24/7. Even Dean Martin may get a kick in the head from me if he doesn't stop crooning. Maybe I'll do the rest of my shopping with earplugs inserted.