Sunday, April 14, 2013

I don't want him...but....

I'm absolutely positive I missed the memo on sharing as a child.  The "Once I put down a toy, it's still mine" mentality has spilled over to my grown-up life lately.  No, I don't want to be in a relationship with him...but that doesn't mean I want anyone else to have him either.

Take Jon for instance.  I don't want him anymore.  He smokes (ew), he's overweight and unhealthy (yes, I'm picky), he eats disgusting food (packaged everything - it's called a veggie, try it!).  He's ignorant of all current events unless they involve an ATV or some reality television show and his spelling is equal to that of grade three.

But he let it slip that he had a girlfriend and I'm assuming it's the girl (I think it was a girl) that I saw him in the bar with last week.  Here's the thing, there's a term I use called "Saint John Special".  In all my travels, there is a special group that exists in SJ that just cannot be explained.  Maybe it's the water/air combo combined with some syndrome? I don't know - but it's SJ Special.  I'd use that term on this chick...

So now I'm thinking - why did I date Jon?  Oh right, because he was a self-confidence booster.  I was feeling low after the whole D-explosion fiasco + Justin being on campus I dated him.

I have a lot to learn, don't I? 

Hindsight is most definitely 20/20 but really...why didn't my mom send me to pre-school? I could have benefited from a few lessons in "Once you disgard the toy, someone else can pick it up

Thanks Mommy!

Thankfully, I did what every smart girl does.  I went out, got blottered drunk and went home with a friend(ish) only to wake up in the morning going "that was really dumb"...let's not do that again - and threw myself into an exercise routine that would make a body builder cry. 

The best way to get over a man is to make his jaw drop and him fantasize over your ass as you leave him in the dirt.

My grad pics are going to be HOT!

Salut blog-world!


Saturday, April 13, 2013

Crack Dealers and Politicians

I'm a Grand Mananer - I'm from a small Island that is absolutely beautiful.  I went to school there, graduated from there, worked there...had my first kiss with my (ex-ish) hubby at that very lighthouse. 

I've also learned a little about politics from Grand Mananers...mostly the comparison of Ronnie Ross (Alleged crack dealer on Grand Manan found guilty a few years later of - insert fake surprise here - dealing drugs) and Premier David Alward.

Here goes:

1) They both screwed Grand Manan over:
Ronnie was being a creepy jerk who brought hard drugs to the island, threatened Islanders and was just dangerous to our way of life.
Alward is continuously being an arrogant jerk who keeps cutting island resources (such as our ferry service) even though he was the blow-hard who promised a free ferry.

2) They both lie.
Ronnie: "I don't sell drugs" (within 3 years was in jail for dealing drugs)
Alward: "Free Ferry! No cuts to services" and now we have no 4th trip and no provincial, top-ranked park as well as the loss of 7-10 jobs.

3) The island banded together against them.
 Ronnie: House mysteriously burnt down in a blaze of epic glory...I'm personally still convinced he burned his own house down but anyways...
Alward: Pretty sure he won't burn his own house down...BUT petitions have already gone around and Grand Mananer's are already contacting the media and planning rallies (and trips to Fredericton if necessary) to get their ferry/anchorage back.

Politicians and crack dealers should probably become best buddies because realistically, they're cut from the same cloth.  Some like Ronnie cause problems for society from the bottom up and some, like David do the same thing from the top down...either way, it's always the people caught in the middle that have to continuously fight for their rights.

[Oh, and Alward must be on some sort of drug to even remotely assume that Grand Mananer's are going to let this go.  Come on...we let a guy burn his own house down...or something like that....]

Note: Alward probably doesn't do drugs.  This is the rant of Sam to be covered by Freedom of Expression within my Canadian rights and should not be taken as news as I am slightly exhausted at 2am.  Consider me interesting but not reliable.  If you'd like to ask Alward for a pee sample though, ask him directly at "I am a" (aka his Facebook page).


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Deal With It

Looking back on last night, I've realized that I'm still a little messed up.  I feel great today to be honest as if nothing happened.  I don't feel panicky or scared or anything - I feel strong, in control and confident.  Why? I haven't eaten anything today and am back on the liquid diet.  

Thankfully, I've realized a few things.  When I left Justin, I felt totally out of control...the same way I felt when I was 16 and first started throwing up my meals.  Everything was just crazy, my life was crazy...I had no idea what I was going to do...pretty much like how I feel right now.  This is the first time since I left Justin that I won't be a 'student', a primary role in my life.  I'm constantly reminded that I'm smart, I have a schedule, I get away with a LOT because...well, I'm a student.  Now I have to be the grown up again...and I'll be doing it alone.  This will be the first time I will be living on my own and that's scary....

So instead of just accepting that I'm scared...I restrict my food intake and I throw up if I lose control.  And right now, I'm just going to handle it...try not to throw up, stay on my 10 day fast because, let's be honest, I'm a mess at the moment...and I'll deal with it after exams are over. 

For the record, THIS ISN'T HEALTHY!  If I could go back to being 16-year old me, I'd say "don't start" but knowing me, I wouldn't listen to myself...

So the good news is, I know this sucks - I know it's unhealthy and I know I need to work on it.  The bad news is, I'm waiting to deal with it.  Until then, you're stuck reading about a blogger with food issues (and yet, cannot get thin!). 

~Deal with it~ <3 

Panic and Puking

As my blog title says, I've had a wicked time lately with food.  Today I ate a scary amount of food for me:

Breakfast - watermelon - 125 calories
eggs - 60 calories
sourkrout - 10 calories

Total - 195


1 Banana 120 calories
1 Pear 103 calories
1 Luna bar 230

Total 453 + 195 =  648


(total binge = scary)

eggs = 90
Tomato = 35
Cuke = 10
Bread = 320
Chocolate = 240
Butter/Coconut Oil = 450 ( - no idea)
Potato x3 =  369
Salsa = 25

Seriously, WHAT was I thinking? I just ate and ate and ate...Total calories today 2817.

When I actually realized what I was doing, I ran downstairs and just started throwing up - great - because that makes the day SO much better. 

Okay...I slightly lost my cool for a bit - I was/am a mess in part because I broke so far away from my diet for foods that I don't even WANT and I panicked so I threw it up.  Okay, new plan...stop screwing up.  Or better yet, start addressing the fact that I'm terrified about being a graduate and feeling out of control and scared and this makes me feel like I'm in control...

Exercise + daily loss.

-1200 calories (daily loss)
-515 calories (walk/run late at night out of panic)
-300 calories (work/walking)

Total burned - 2015

Total for the day +802.


I'm starting the mastercleanse again tomorrow...I really can't handle freaking out this badly at the moment...I hate hate hate making myself throw's gross and yucky...and just...blah. 

Anyways, tomorrow (or technically today) is a new day...start healthy, positive and start over. 

Monday, April 8, 2013

Food Phobias

I had someone at work tell me they wished they could eat like I do when I said I was having a hard time eating lately.  I realized I was getting about 400 calories/day for the last week and running about 4-5 miles 5x/week.  She called it willpower or something - I panicked a little.

Here's what goes on in my mind:

"I'm hungry...really? Are you sure you're hungry? Maybe you just want some water or coffee - try that first" So I get some water or coffee.

"I'd still like something to eat - okay what did I eat today?  I had a protein shake for breakfast - that's...118 +35 calories...did I measure that right?  I'll add 10 more calories to be sure - 163 calories. I can eat something..."  (Heads to grocery store to find something.)

"I can eat veggies...they're safe...okay, this one has 35 calories per 3/4 cup...this one has 30...I'll go with the 30 calorie option.  What about something to go with it - Garlic and dill are safe, salsa, sourkrout in 100 calories per, that's a lot.  What about sushi - no that takes rice...I'll pass.  What about bananas? No - they're 80-120 calories per banana...Almond milk...that's 40 calories - is there any of the 35 calorie stuff? No...Okay...40 will do - I'll just drink less. OOH vegan cheese - that's 65 calories per 30g.  How many servings is in a block? 7.5 - okay 8...umm...can I cut that in half again? What if I binge? I'll pass"

Every. single. meal.  

I KNOW it's unhealthy to think of food as safe/unsafe - especially veggies and fruit...but it's what I do.  I don't know when it started or why I do it.  I don't know why I can't seem to stop...I know it's not healthy but I do it.  

I'm getting better at eating more - that's a start

Today was a vegan protein shake for breakfast (165 calories)

Supper was:
Veggies - 90 calories
Garlic and Dill (fresh) 10 calories
Salsa - 30 calories
Sourkrout - 10 calories
Tomato - 20 calories
Mushroom - 5 calories     
Watermelon - 90 calories

Today today -  420.

Okay - so I suck at this.  I'll grab another protein shake after my run tonight...that sounds like a good start.  Tomorrow, I attempt to eat three more balanced meals.  This whole eating healthy thing is harder than it looks - only for me it's not because I eat too much...urgh!  

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

New Scale = New Weight

So, I broke down and bought a scale tonight (measuring it against my old scale which is 5lbs heavier than what it should be).  The other bonus is that this scale is apparently very accurate which is nice - and it measures by the 10th of a lb so I can see mini differences.  Turns out that what I thought I weighed was actually off by about 6lbs.  I'm pretty happy about that!

 Realistically, I should be thrilled about the weight loss. Lately, I've just been grumpy.  After this event, I'm going to start eating right and exercising properly with less worry.  I would like to up my goal weight to my birthday - I know that's weird but I'd like to enjoy a happy healthy birthday (with no cake because yes, I'm allergic).  

So wish me luck and I'll keep writing.  Hopefully this time I can actually keep the weight off and lose it healthily! Fingers crossed for goals! 


Running Pros and Cons

So you want to take up running? Good for run away! 

Just kidding! 

Below is a list of things I've experienced because of running..the good, the bad and the ugly.

The Good

Weight Loss and Toning Up - always a bonus when you're ass is perkier than a Kardashian and your arms don't threaten to catch the breeze and fly you away.
You're a runner now - You're in that elite group of people who sail down the sidewalk and make other people jealous (or assume you're batcrap crazy).  

You'll meet new people - Runners are a friendly bunch...they like to talk about running, help others out and dish about the latest shoes, technology, magazine etc.  Listen and learn, young doodlebug.  

You get to eat...a LOT!  I have never eaten more than when I'm running.  Protein shakes, eggs, pasta, more pasta...carbs and protein are your friend.  Love them. 

You will feel better - Two words: Runners High.  It's like drugs only better.  

Stress relief - If you're not having regular sex, running is the next best thing.  This just makes me seem sad.  Running releases a bunch of brain chemicals that just feels good.  Try it.  You'll like it. 

The Bad

Overtraining, pain, more pain - Show me a runner who isn't sore and I'll show you a walker.  You'll be pushing yourself if new...and there will be some (mild) pain.  If it really hurts, don't push it...but your muscles will feel used.  Overtraining just sucks - you think you can do more, you do more and you hurt more...only slowly.

Shoes = money - Running is pretty cheap.  You + pavement = running.  Running shoes = not cheap.  Expect to spend between 60-150 on shoes.  Do NOT go cheap or your feet, legs, tooshie, hips, shoulders, neck...basically your entire body...will be angry.  

Downers - These are people who see you feeling better, eating wiser, focusing on running and say "oh you're getting too skinny" or "Isn't that dangerous?" or some other stupid thing.  The worst are the "outdoers".  You ran 5miles...they did 6.  You broke your personal best - they doubled it.  They can't be happy for you mostly because they're miserable with themselves.  Attempt to ignore them because they are just downers. 

Food - You aren't eating the cake, the chips, the cookies or the pop because your body is training to know it'll make you feel icky but that cake looks so good.  Eat kinda doesn't feel as good in your stomach anymore...try a dried apple snack.

Laundry - I sweat. A lot.  I soak through my clothing, my hats, and usually get sweat burning in my eyes.  My shoes are damp, I look like I peed myself...seriously, it's gross.  I do laundry almost every day because stinky socks...not fun.  Stinky socks, pants, shirt, and jacket is just rank!

The Ugly

Feet - Your feet will probably be gross.  I just lost a toenail from a simple fall, bruise, and gone.  There was some was gross.  I also have callouses the size of small barnyard animals and dry skin all the time.  Welcome to the world of running. 

Throwing up - I am a pretty easy upchucker so some people don't have this problem.  Running in the summer can lead to overheating which can easily lead to woofing ones the street...during traffic.  Yay. Such a sexy moment.

Dogs and other animals - I like my face. I'd like to keep it. Watch for dogs.

Feeling out of shape - If you make the mistake of judging yourself according to others, you're going to feel like the food you just threw up.  Watch yourself...make your own goals...don't try to be like someone else otherwise, you'll just be let down. 

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Four Words from a Past Memory

"How's your easter going"....That's the text I got from "1" this evening.  1 is the one guy I regret pushing away from me...and quite out of the blue I get this text.  Let's just say, more words and memories went through my head in a minute than the entire day.

If I could apologize for my words and actions, it would be the most heartfelt apology this ice queen could muster.  I'm sorry that I got scared.  I realized that I could in fact feel things for a guy again and I wanted that...but that scared me.  He broke down my 'ice queen' heart - the one that allowed me to hurt anyone, be careless with people's emotions, and walk away perfectly in control and unfeeling.  That was terrifying and admittedly, I handled it horribly.  I pulled away fast, I intentionally hurt him, I blamed him for my own fears, and didn't even realize I was doing it.

I'm sorry that I didn't realize it because I lost a pretty amazing friend...someone I could tell anything to and know it would stay hidden away.  I could get his advice on anything from my fashion choice to school.  And we had fun.

I sort of hope he still reads my blog because I miss him. 

Friday, March 29, 2013

-16.8lbs and once again eating real food.

I went for a run thinking I'd be okay a few days ago.  I'm not entirely sure why...I hadn't eaten for 5 days and hardly drank any of the lemonaid I was supposed to drink on my quick weight loss diet.  Anyways, I felt miserable and so, I ate something.  Yep, I made soup.  

Now, some would call this a failure - I read one blog post about how I was, in fact, a failure and shouldn't be proud of myself for quitting this "cleanse" (fad diet that I had no intentions of maintaining for any amount of time).  My response was an eloquent "Screw you. Go eat something. You're being nasty from being HUNGRY!"  

I lost about 8lbs on the diet (WOOT!) but more than that, I restarted myself on a very clean, healthy eating program.  I'm back to vegetarian (except seafood right now as I'm on a salmon/calamari kick).  I've only been eating for two days and have FINALLY weaned myself off the desire to snack while doing homework.  So far, so good.

That being said, by day five I had recognized that this was something that could lead me back to that really dark place I was in a couple summers ago.  Yes, I was thin...I was also quite sickSo please, if you feel you may have any sort of disordered eating, don't do this.  This is the first time I recognized it and decided to eat something...even if I gained an ounce or two.  I made a huge pot of calamari, roasted red pepper and tomato stew (yum), strawberries and celery and bought vegan protein powder (kind of gritty but great flavour).  

And guess what? I've still lost weight!  So far, since I went gluten free I've lost 16.8lbs.  I'm still planning to lose a significant amount of weight before Guatemala.  I've got another 28.2lbs until I hit my goal weight.  Using the NOOM app, I'm on schedule for July 6th if I lose 2lbs/week. 

Right now, I have a really cute (and clingy) dress to wear in exactly 7 days (and graduation on May 31st) so I'm working out a little harder and yes, eating a little less.  I'm pounding back water - no pop, no juice.  I'm drinking less than 3 cups of coffee daily (usually try to limit it to just one).  I eat breakfast (protein shakes) every day and try to eat a snack before bed that is about 150 calories.

Weight loss isn't easy - Gaining weight is.  Doing nothing about it is also really easy.  Deciding to be healthy is a choice.  It doesn't take fancy gadgets or expensive food - it means changing your mindset and deciding that being healthy is better.  

For me, it's about getting down that final 28lbs and then learning to be happy at that weight.  The first part I can do easily enough - I have a lot of willpower...the second part...well, more to come on that later.