The Things You Learn With Family

I've been spending a lot of time with my family lately due to Gramp being in the hospital and we've passed the time just talking.  He's told me stories about his past, the family, and just different things about the Island (Grand Manan).  The things I've learned the past week have been more valuable to me than the classes I've missed and I hope to remember forever - so of course, I'm writing it down.

Gramp has taught me about weather patterns, about fishing when he was younger, about getting along with people and about how much of a spitfire Gram is.  Apparently, wind from the south is warmer - but that doesn't mean it feels warm (it's just nicer than North or East).  If it's a North wind, he never wanted to go out fishing because even the fish found it to cold and stayed lower.   

He also told me about his first gun - His dad got it from a salvage (his words, not mine) after the war.  All the boys had a gun like that and that's how he learned to shoot.  He still has that gun and it reminds him of his father, a man I never had the opportunity to meet but he sounded pretty interesting.    
 
When talking with Mom, Mam and Gramp today, Mom told me today that there used to be a craft cart that went through the hospital for people to buy little projects to work on when they were in there (which was a lovely idea).  She had made a few stuffed animals when she was pregnant with me - including a turtle :) She's trying to find it so I can see it...I'm convinced I peer pressured her while I was still a little fetus.

When we walk in the hospital, first thing Mom has to do is run to the washroom...beside the washrooms are a small display of hospital artifacts.  Mam saw a picture of the old TB hospital in Saint John - and had a very upset look on her face when she told me that the doctors thought Uncle Robert had TB when he was just a little kid and she had to leave him there for awhile as a child.  She was NOT happy about that decision.

Today is also the first time I've ever heard anyone say that Mam does have the early stages of Alzheimer's.   Gramp Browne (my great-grandfather) had it and her brother does as well.  I didn't say anything in the hospital but it wasn't a complete suprise.  She's forgetful over small things but still remembers the important stuff.

As I was running tonight, it began to sink in and it's scary.  I don't know what exactly to think except pray for as many good years as possible.  Let her be okay because I need my grammy around for awhile longer (preferably until I'm 102 years old).

So as I write, I laugh at some stories and I start crying writing down others.  It's scary to think of my grandparents as 'old' because in my mind, they aren't...so I'll just keep writing and remembering and thinking positively!

Cheers! 

That Stupid Voice

I heard that voice again tonight - it was the same one I heard constantly two years ago.  It was just a whisper in the back of my head that told me if I just stop eating, Bamp will get better...figure that one out.  I know logically this is a lie - it is physically impossible. 

I know it's my mind's way of coping with stress - it's easier to focus on being hungry, on losing weight, on obsessing with every calorie than it is to be afraid or cry every time I'm alone.  

I know I can't listen to that voice.  I can't give in for a second or else I'm going to be sick again.  My body will be sore, I'll be full of bruises and I'll have my fingers down my throat once again.  I don't need to go back to that place again - it was hard enough to crawl out of the first two times around.  So I'm going to go get a shower...then I'm going to drink some juice and eat a spoonful of peanut butter.

Welcome to the world of anxiety...it manifests itself in so many ways but none of them are healthy.  

    

Break-Down

You know that moment - when you think "I'm not going to cry"...and then you just lose it and start sobbing?  Well, just had another one of those.  I'm doubling up the layers again and am actually going for a run - Hopefully, I can clear my mind and just calm down.