home for awhile

Hey everyone,

Unfortunately, I'm going to be home for a bit and not going to be blogging for a few days. I love being home but I don't really have much that I want to share right now. I appreciate the love and support that has been given to me the past few days from everyone.

Have a great week everyone. Take care!

Therapy

I find running therapeutic. I also find chocolate therapeutic but running is better on my waistline. As I'm still trying not to burst into tears every time I turn around, I thought going for a jog would help....and it did. It gave me the chance to notice a few things - the stars for one. Looking up and seeing the stars reminds me how small I am but I have the unlimited growth to shine. Another thing that I notice is areas of the woods that still look natural - that haven't been touched by developers or parks or all that...it's just nice to get back to nature and smile...except when I trip over a log and land in a mud puddle - then I long for a treadmill.

The dangers of holding a grudge

Today, I experienced one of the most depressing parts of human nature - the wrath of a person who is holding a grudge. In my experience, a grudge is like an open sore. Instead of healing, this sore gets worse and worse until it begins festering and attacking the skin around it. Eventually, a tiny little cut can actually kill a person. A grudge is pretty much the same thing; it grows and grown until it overtakes the humanity and it just explodes in rage and hatred.

I am pretty terrible at holding grudges. As much as I say I hate Justin (my ex-husband), I don't really. Dislike - for sure...but hate? no. Why don't I hate him? He's not worth the time of day to hate. He's a jerk and a terrible human being who was cruel to me but I'm doing better now. Everything happens for a reason and because I married him and kept trying to make it work, I realized that when I'm ready for a relationship again, I'll fight to make it work. I don't even hate his mother...even if she is comparable to the wicked witch of the west.

Either way, grudges are terrible. They're not an emotion - they're a cancer of emotions. They grow and overtake feelings and physically hurt people. I get it that people aren't always going to get alone but really, people need to 'get over it'. If someone hurts you, walk away and invoke karma.

Also, we don't know what the other person is experiencing when we take out our anger. For me, it was a terrible day and I didn't even have the emotional strength to tell them to get out of my office. Instead, I sent them this email which I truly believe in. I refuse to be angry over someone's anger towards me. I choose to be at peace with myself, love my life and take refuge in my friends, my family and the people who give me strength on a daily basis. I want to be an example of love, compassion and understanding - not hatred, intolerance, and rudeness. Will I always succeed? No - but I will try my best.

The email:

I sincerely hope you had the opportunity to take whatever shots you wished to take at me and can continue on with your life peacefully. My grandfather was hit by a car this morning and killed so I went to the one place I find solace - the office. After wholeheartedly congratulating you on getting into your field of choice, hearing your condescending criticizing rant was the last thing I needed to hear today.

Frankly, I don't care if you don't respect, like or even care about me but please be aware that your grudges and your words do affect other people. You took cheap shots without knowing I was already down. I hope you're satisfied that you succeeded in making me feel bad.

I refuse to hold grudges or atomicity towards you though. I am glad you got into ***** College and I hope you have a great time. I hope your words directed at me today were healing for you. I wish you a wonderful life and achieve every dream you desire. I hope for the best for you and I sincerely hope you're at peace with this year.

(sentence deleted due to personal identity) I formally request that you never contact me again because, as far as I'm concerned, you've said everything you need to say and anything else, I don't need to hear.

Sincerely,

Samantha Tinker

saying goodbye

Most people know I come from a split family but it's an odd situation. I don't really know K's side of the family (my biological father) for many reasons. This morning I woke up to a ton of missed calls from my mom so obviously, something was wrong. I called her immediately and found out my biological grandfather was killed this morning in a car accident.

I didn't really think it would bother me that much - we weren't close at all. I barely knew him...but there were some memories that keep coming back to me. He used to sit in front of the store on White Head and and he'd usually talk to me. I didn't know why...he just did.

And at Christmas time, Mom would always bring him homemade bread and jam (or pickles I think). I didn't really realize why but she would always say "they're family"...It made sense at the time because it was family...but I still didn't really understand. Once I got older, I pieced it together.

This summer, I have the possible opportunity to go home and work (fingers crossed) and I really wanted to start learning about my family more. Grand Manan is beginning to be home again - even though I'm not there, it's what has shaped me. Oddly enough, I'm interested in my history and I want to know about my family...but it's hard when you're not close to them.

Anyways, I didn't think I'd be overly upset about this - I really didn't. But I feel like I missed out on an opportunity to get to know someone. I am sad because I didn't take the opportunity when I was a little younger...and now, because of an accident, I won't be able to.

I feel a lot of things that I didn't think I'd feel - regret, upset, pity for the person who hit him...I just want to tell him so many things - mostly, it's not his fault and I don't blame him.

I'm also angry at someone who came into my office today and proceeded to tell me every single thing I did wrong to him during my job - seriously? My eyes are bright red from crying, I congratulated him on getting into journalism school and that's what he did...proceeded to tell me all my shortcomings and be a gigantic dick. Well, thank you JB. That just broke me a little more. I know I should let that go but I didn't need that today...I really didn't. I didn't even bother defending myself because the words aren't even there anymore.

I just need to go home, be with my family, sleep, not worry about exams at the moment and find things to do that are peaceful. I kept crying on the text books...not a good thing to do.

Gramp told me that God has a plan for everything...and while I find it hard to believe sometimes, I'm really hoping that there is a reason. I'm not overly religious but I do believe in God and hope that Richard went to heaven...and is there with his old, mean dog who had an attitude adjustment and doesn't chase bikers anymore.

Running

As I sit here attempting to break my caffeine habit with a cup of invigorating tea (which is officially disgusting compared to a brisk, cold diet pepsi), I am reminded of the importance of sleep. The past week, I have experienced typical insomnia. It's a pretty horrible feeling because the amount of drain that I feel during the day - the tired, lethargic, exhausted feeling - is overwhelming. Most people know I generally have the energy of a squirrel - I just keep going.

Anyways, the pills I took to go to sleep (a lovely medical grade and prescribed tranquilizer) are finally kicking in and my hands feel all tingly.

Tea, running and studying

After throwing up three times on a short run, I realized two things: 1) don't eat popcorn before running and 2) I am out of shape.

I am in better shape than when I started running last year but I need to get back in good shape. That means a ton of water/tea/almond milk, very healthy eating, and my favorite activity ever - jogging....and kicking a caffeine habit.

I've kept off a lot of weight but I've gained back around 20 which sucks - welcome to the stress of exams, school, work and blah. Well, it's time to start being healthy again and find ways to be healthy during the school year.

the chaos that is exams

Since I am extremely boring and have spent the last 14 hours studying Intro to narrative - it's now time for bed. If you can't tell by my photo, I'm starting to go a teeny bit crazy! So, here's the list of my observations of the day:

1) Nurse Jackie is back!!! I love this show - honestly, who doesn't want a stoned out crazy lady for a nurse...fact is, I can understand it.

2) I have not drank coffee today. 1 bottle (591 mL diet pepsi)...I think I'm going to die.

3) Breathe-Right strips are heaven. Note my nose. They're amazing.

4) Tea is not coffee. It is flavoured water and it sucks.

5) River Monsters is a pretty amazing show as well. I love Jeremy Wade.

Apart from that, life is good and I'm off to bed. Goodnight!