Wednesday, February 15, 2012

3 years on the 19th...time does fly by.

On the 19th of February, I left my ex 3 years ago. I have been trying to find out why I've been so off lately...depressed, tearing up, angry, tired and not even caring about grades or anything else lately and I think this is why.

It's a hard moment to remember and I think I'll remember it for a long time. I can forget my wedding anniversary - that was a happy day. It was a great day filled with love and friends and family. It was a moment when I was so unbelievably in love that my heart hurt.

The 19th though was the complete opposite. My heart broke apart that day...and yes, it's patched up but there are still a lot of cracks.

This is the first year I can't hide away from everything. I have a job, a life, a boyfriend...I can't just hide in my room with a book, throw myself into school and ignore people. I hate this feeling though because I really just want to hide away from the world. I hate showing weakness and not being as perfectly in control of my emotions is hard for me - in part because I'm constantly scared I'm going to have a panic attack or I'm just going to need medicine again so I can stay level. The joys of bipolar...a fear that when you start to cry, you won't be able to stop and the depression will just eat you little by little.

I guess the only thing I can do is remind myself is that I'm allowed to feel the way I do, I'm allowed to be angry, sad, upset and depressed. I'm allowed to be emotional but I refuse to push people away because I'm upset. I refuse to forget that I have an amazing support system; a family that loves me, a boyfriend who is convinced ice cream is a terrible get well food but doesn't say anything when I eat it and say it helps (Besides, what does he know though - he's only got three doctors in the family).

Ultimately, I am here in university because I left. I don't think I'm stupid anymore - even though I hear the words most days in the back of my head. I'm not terrified of being yelled at or of controversy because no one can make me feel worse than my ex did. I'm not constantly panicking because I'm wrong about something, I forgot something, I'm going to make someone angry...I still stress about being perfect though and stress out easily over controversy - something Anthony mentioned and I didn't really realize I did it but I do.

I still have scars but I'm recognizing them now - that's a first for me. 3 years...I wonder what the next 3 are going to look like.

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