Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Deal With It

Looking back on last night, I've realized that I'm still a little messed up.  I feel great today to be honest as if nothing happened.  I don't feel panicky or scared or anything - I feel strong, in control and confident.  Why? I haven't eaten anything today and am back on the liquid diet.  

Thankfully, I've realized a few things.  When I left Justin, I felt totally out of control...the same way I felt when I was 16 and first started throwing up my meals.  Everything was just crazy, my life was crazy...I had no idea what I was going to do...pretty much like how I feel right now.  This is the first time since I left Justin that I won't be a 'student', a primary role in my life.  I'm constantly reminded that I'm smart, I have a schedule, I get away with a LOT because...well, I'm a student.  Now I have to be the grown up again...and I'll be doing it alone.  This will be the first time I will be living on my own and that's scary....

So instead of just accepting that I'm scared...I restrict my food intake and I throw up if I lose control.  And right now, I'm just going to handle it...try not to throw up, stay on my 10 day fast because, let's be honest, I'm a mess at the moment...and I'll deal with it after exams are over. 

For the record, THIS ISN'T HEALTHY!  If I could go back to being 16-year old me, I'd say "don't start" but knowing me, I wouldn't listen to myself...

So the good news is, I know this sucks - I know it's unhealthy and I know I need to work on it.  The bad news is, I'm waiting to deal with it.  Until then, you're stuck reading about a blogger with food issues (and yet, cannot get thin!). 

~Deal with it~ <3 

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