Saturday, April 7, 2012

Restrain your children...I'll provide the duct tape

You love your children - I get it. Here's a thought though...I don't love them. I don't even like them. I don't want them around me, talking to me or in any way interacting with me. Why? It's not to be mean - it's because I'm studying asexual behaviours and fetishes and am currently staring at the ass of a naked man in a dog collar. Are you okay with your child asking 'What are you reading now?' No? I didn't think so.

Now, I'm not just on the bus or at a park working on learning this information for an exam (which, by the way, I'm seriously deciding whether I could handle being a dominatrix because the money is that good for wacking people and ordering them to lick my shoe...I'm okay with that), I'm at Starbucks, at a table, away from the general public...but I've got some little goober staring at me as I drink my scalding latte. Hint: Coffee plus children = bad combination.

Looking around the room, there are two children intent on chewing hole through the bags of coffee and another three to four children running around like they've had six cups of joe. While I understand that these parents still want to maintain their urban-cool factor with their friends after delivering birth to these rug-rats, I hate to inform them, they are not.

Parents, you are 'cool' if you look after your children and don't expect the clerks/barista's to take care of them for you. Your kids are awesome if they're well behaved for the 5-10 minutes you're waiting for a coffee and leave. Surprised? Yes, I said leave.

No child needs to be subjected to the dark atmosphere of a coffee house, surrounded by adults trying to have grown-up conversations about their drunken nights of wild abandon without little ears hearing terms even adults don't always know. They don't need to be under foot as I go from the counter to my table with an extra hot (scalding) non-fat vanilla latte. Children need...ooh...sunlight? Playgrounds? New parents...okay, I won't go that far but they don't need to be subjected to the crap that you're putting them through.

If you were a child, would a Starbucks seriously be your idea of a good Saturday morning? Nope, didnt' think so. Remember being a kid - playing in a park, chasing bugs...eating bugs...throwing up the bug? Remember being barefoot...and then streaking across the yard as your mom chased you yelling for you to hold still so she could clothe you again? Seriously, there was no Starbucks involved in my childhood...I did bury my sister once in sand (she had straws to breath from and I got spanked -that's right, corporal punishment - and I survived).

Parents, listen up. Next time I'm at Starbucks, you guys are probably going to be angry. Why? Because if little Suzy or tiny Timmy asks me what I'm reading...I'll friggin' tell them. And then, I'll offer you some duct tape, Gravol and a leash - because that way you have a choice on how you restrain your children. It may offer a suggestion as well.

While I am not planning on abducting your little booger, someone else might. Get it? While I don't like children, I don't want to see their body on the late night news fished out of a dumpster. If you don't like that image, sorry to scar you but lets be realistic: You feel safe and secure because this is a small city. There are still strangers and you should not let your child run unattended. Something could fall on them, someone could run them over with their vehicle if they get loose, they could be lost, terrified and looking for their mommy who is busy drinking her iced cap.

So to all you 'still-cool' moms and pops out there, thinking that Starbucks is the new daycare, it's not. And if it is, I'm finding a new spot to hang out. Does anyone know a good bar that serves coffee and is open at 8am with a decent 'no kids allowed' policy?

1 comment:

  1. I'm with you on this one! I'm tired of parents giving that pathetic soppy look of "aren't they cute" as they demolish the place, the peace and quiet and life in general. What makes them think we're responsible for looking after them, I could go on ..............