Monday, February 27, 2012

The art of cheating in student politics

After a weekend of gloom and doom, I'm back to my typically witty and absolutely sexy self (that is, I no longer have puffy eyes, bright red cheeks and snot bubbles worse than a 3-year old). With that, I now have a lovely take on student politics and the art of cheating.

If you want to win by all means necessary, follow these instructions:

1) Sacrifice your immortal soul to Hades- You understand that being a politician means you're better off without a soul anyways, right? Sell it off and make a deal. It's not like it's worth much anyways - I mean, you ARE running for politics, right?

2) Offer sexual favours- I do suggest you actually use protection and don't shy away from even the dirtiest of dirty - you're mouth is sure to spew more than lies after this year is over.

3) Step away from your social circle - Here's the thing - if you get your boyfriend to put up additional posters, it's dirty...however, if you get a friend of only your boyfriends, it's fair game. Yes, the posters will be torn down (or buttons confiscated) but always go a step or two outside your social circle.

4) Show off your 'ass'ets- We've seen it work before. It works better for women though - penis just isn't that sexy (sorry guys).

5) Get the international vote- Make friends, embrace culture, date a foreign exchange what it takes to suck up to the foreign students.

6) Badmouth- Oh, spread a rumour about how they love their dog just a wee bit more than one should. Cheating on their boyfriend with another electoral? Scandalous. Did they sell their soul to Hades? Badmouth them and make them look terrible!

7) Rig the computers -
Oh wait, this was done before but don't do it yourself.

8) Poison- If your competitors are incapacitated, they can't run. (Note: Doing illegal things are still illegal so don't blame me for going to jail)

9) Offer alcohol- Vote for me, get a shot!

10) Blame the newspaper -
Because student media is always out to get the SRC...

Welcome to the world of student holds barred with rules in place. Good luck to the candidates at every school at this time.

Also, if you blame me for your herpes because you tried to screw the entire school for votes...well, it's probably a good thing that you didn't get in because that was just dumb!

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