I like to believe that one can remain friends with "the ex" (insert ominous music here) even after one or the other has started a new relationship. That being said, Facebook is the devil. It messes up those lines of privacy that people once had, changed how much we WANT to know about other people, and made it so that we no longer control how much information we GET about the person.
Scenario: Bob and Maddie broke up mutually although Maddie did take it harder. Bob got a new girlfriend and threw a bunch of pics on FB...Maddie drank a LOT that night to deal with those pesky feelings.
So what exactly do you do when you start dating? Here's a list of Top 10 FB do's and do not's when in a relationship:
1) If you can't keep your FB open, delete the person. Yes it's harmless joking or you're used to it or whatever...that doesn't mean it's okay. If you think someone may message you saying "lets have a sleepover" you may want to consider deleting them. If you need to hide things, it's not healthy. You can still be friends but keep it public - face to face (if it's just joking and he's not ACTUALLY asking you to sleep over).
2) Relationship status can wait - you don't need to immediately put that you're in a new relationship. Give it some time...seriously, rebounds don't count so give it a LOT of time. Other people need time to adjust as well.
3) Pics: You don't need to blast your wall with pictures. Yes you're full of happy hormones but that doesn't mean that everyone else is (or wants to see it).
4) Talk about who you're okay with and who you're not: If you're only friends with someone by means of FB, it may not be the best idea to keep them on when you get into a serious relationship...think about it - you dated them, they're still hanging around but you don't talk often...but they're a constant reminder to the other gal that you had a sex life before her. Yes, we get it - you got laid...but if I'm not asking, FB shouldn't be doing the telling. Friends, family, the pastor of your church...but not the pastor's daughter that you had in your parent's back seat.
5) The girl that's just too flirty - "oh hun, that's soooo funny xoxoxo"...gag. My poor tummy always lurches when a see a Facebook-a-Ho. They're the girl (or guy) that doesn't understand what they write lacks tone and any sort of background information (aka: they're not that bright)...so stop being stupid about it! Don't keep the girl on there that is mushing up your Wall. It's annoying.
6) Don't keep the boy that the new boyfriend hates: If he's not a friend, really doesn't matter and you know that the two don't get along, is it really going to hurt to let him go? I'm not saying delete friends or seclude yourself from anyone else - but if you're not a true friend, do you really want to upset him accidentally?
7) Parents/Grandparents - this is always a maybe situation. If you want privacy, don't expect the new beau to not write on your wall - but perhaps limit some settings?
8) Keep sharp: FB can get out of control very easily. It's new technology and there are a lot of people that don't understand how to use it properly. You don't need to advertise your entire life on it.
9) Avoid Drama: Don't FB the guys ex. Leave the past in the past...if you need to deal with someone/something, deal with the person you're with - not their baggage.
10) Off-line always matters more - Don't argue online - it never ends well. The way he treats you offline matters more than stupid rants with the guys that don't involve you on his wall or the fact that he still says "boobies" or...well, just about anything else. That being said, if he's flirting with someone else, address it. You've got standards, keep them high.
FB is like any other tool - use it wisely. You need to control it, not let it control you. I find it easier to delete the ex as I don't want to know about their life after. I'm good - we're over, it's done...and it's too easy to fall back into thinking you like them. Do what works for you - but keep the other person in mind. And most importantly...COMMUNICATE!
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sometimes you just need to walk away...and other times you need to not let go
I had an awkward conversation with someone who's been a friend for awhile now on the bus. I realized that I have nothing left to say. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to him - I was desperately searching to put the right words together, to form that sentence that would take the conversation from forced to natural...but it didn't happen. I was staring at my friend thinking "I really don't know you, do I?"
The worst part was, as I was thinking that, I also realized that he didn't really care. I realized that he was perfectly happy keeping me as a friend who caught up on events sometimes and hung out as a last resort...wow, doesn't sound like much of a friend, does it? Well, he was...I'll give him that. Last year, he was probably one of the best friends I had but time changes things, people change...life changes. That's just how it is. We didn't work on the friendship over the summer, didn't really try and that supported the idea that yeah, it's not going to really work. I can't be friends with someone that I'm attempting to force words to come out of my mouth...I just can't. What am I supposed to say? "How's the weather?" Yeah, I'm not really up for that sort of fake-friendship.
That being said, I've been fortunate enough (or crazy enough) to restart dating my ex-boyfriend. I'm getting a little tired of that term "Boyfriend." Everything is fine until I use that term - then it all goes downhill. Expectations are made, promises are broken, things fall apart...it just gets messy. But, what else can I call it? It's a relationship and I'm okay with it.
He's the sort of guy I don't date - but he's also the sort of guy who's willing to work towards bettering himself and work around my schedule. Fact is, I used to think he was a massive asshole. He was a womanizer, a jerk, pushy, egocentric and rather irritating. He was whiny and basically stuck in a dead end job in his dead end life...then I yelled at him.
Yes, I got angry (surprise, surprise). He was spewing the same crap over and over again - my girlfriend is a meanie, she did this and that, she cheated, she's not in the relationship...(yep, uh huh) he was dating from the bottom of the barrel..not even in the barrel - dating the rotten leftovers from outside the barrel.
Okay so I was cruel (I choose to believe he choked up a bit and may have cried although he would probably argue that). Fact is, he was doing the same crap over and over again and expecting different results.
Funny thing is - he listened to me. He stopped trying to get in my pants and started hanging out as friends. He also stopped trying to get in OTHER girls pants... He offered to help me with things - from drives to see my boyfriend at the time to just going out for coffee. When my dog was put down, he called to make sure I was okay. When my bf and I broke up, he called to make sure I was okay...and didn't hit on me. He started to give up smoking because it was bugging him...He gave me the space I needed until I finally asked him out.
The funny thing is that I asked him out because I thought I'd get over my ex easier - yep, my plan was to use him and leave him...it was like dating a puppy...cute, fun, but irritating...and then I stopped being so cynical all the time. He wasn't a jerk...he was a nice guy. He really is...it's a little weird because I just don't date nice guys.
So when midterms came around, I got stressed and broke up with him...he didn't get upset...he said "okay, let's talk after your tests are over"...my thought was "you're bat-crap crazy" until after midterms were over and I was apologizing for freaking out...
So here I am realizing that I've found true friends that leave (and it's okay) and true boyfriends that are incredible once I give them a chance to be. So I might not like the label...but I really do like him (a lot). And he likes my Ludwig von Turdle.
The worst part was, as I was thinking that, I also realized that he didn't really care. I realized that he was perfectly happy keeping me as a friend who caught up on events sometimes and hung out as a last resort...wow, doesn't sound like much of a friend, does it? Well, he was...I'll give him that. Last year, he was probably one of the best friends I had but time changes things, people change...life changes. That's just how it is. We didn't work on the friendship over the summer, didn't really try and that supported the idea that yeah, it's not going to really work. I can't be friends with someone that I'm attempting to force words to come out of my mouth...I just can't. What am I supposed to say? "How's the weather?" Yeah, I'm not really up for that sort of fake-friendship.
That being said, I've been fortunate enough (or crazy enough) to restart dating my ex-boyfriend. I'm getting a little tired of that term "Boyfriend." Everything is fine until I use that term - then it all goes downhill. Expectations are made, promises are broken, things fall apart...it just gets messy. But, what else can I call it? It's a relationship and I'm okay with it.
He's the sort of guy I don't date - but he's also the sort of guy who's willing to work towards bettering himself and work around my schedule. Fact is, I used to think he was a massive asshole. He was a womanizer, a jerk, pushy, egocentric and rather irritating. He was whiny and basically stuck in a dead end job in his dead end life...then I yelled at him.
Yes, I got angry (surprise, surprise). He was spewing the same crap over and over again - my girlfriend is a meanie, she did this and that, she cheated, she's not in the relationship...(yep, uh huh) he was dating from the bottom of the barrel..not even in the barrel - dating the rotten leftovers from outside the barrel.
Okay so I was cruel (I choose to believe he choked up a bit and may have cried although he would probably argue that). Fact is, he was doing the same crap over and over again and expecting different results.
Funny thing is - he listened to me. He stopped trying to get in my pants and started hanging out as friends. He also stopped trying to get in OTHER girls pants... He offered to help me with things - from drives to see my boyfriend at the time to just going out for coffee. When my dog was put down, he called to make sure I was okay. When my bf and I broke up, he called to make sure I was okay...and didn't hit on me. He started to give up smoking because it was bugging him...He gave me the space I needed until I finally asked him out.
The funny thing is that I asked him out because I thought I'd get over my ex easier - yep, my plan was to use him and leave him...it was like dating a puppy...cute, fun, but irritating...and then I stopped being so cynical all the time. He wasn't a jerk...he was a nice guy. He really is...it's a little weird because I just don't date nice guys.
So when midterms came around, I got stressed and broke up with him...he didn't get upset...he said "okay, let's talk after your tests are over"...my thought was "you're bat-crap crazy" until after midterms were over and I was apologizing for freaking out...
So here I am realizing that I've found true friends that leave (and it's okay) and true boyfriends that are incredible once I give them a chance to be. So I might not like the label...but I really do like him (a lot). And he likes my Ludwig von Turdle.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Coming at you from another potty moment
As I was peeing for the 100th time tonight, I realized I never bothered getting over my ex. Instead I ignored that it hurt. Why would I actually deal with the pain? It hurts - I want to take a pill and make it better or maybe just forget that it exists and that it's not really dealt with. It's been tucked away and ignored.
I ignored the fact that it hurt and that he hurt me and that I'm upset...and I wish he was miserable without me because I'm just that awesome, right? I realized that I am still shaken because he can do just fine without me. He doesn't need me or think his life is worse because I'm not in it - He was okay leaving me out of his life...so maybe I'm not that awesome.
I figured it out. I don't miss him...I miss my confidence. I miss that sparkle that just sort stopped glittering because he was the first guy after I left Justin that I let close to me. He was the first guy I wanted to be with longer than a week. He was the first guy I brought home to my parents...and it hurts.
I think what hurts more is that it's silly that I have to be upset now because I thought one session of crying and ignoring it with Magic Mike would make it better. I thought that if I slept with my favorite go-to guy, I'd feel better...it didn't. I thought that if I started dating someone new it would help...surprise, it didn't.
Instead, I'm stuck. It's no longer about him...it's about me. I'm upset because I don't feel as kick-ass. I feel as though I'm going to wind up alone forever because I'm doing something wrong and I don't know what...
And I also feel like I'm turning into a whiny pathetic weenie who should have just hauled up her big girl panties, driven to Freddy and slapped him for not having the balls to come down and break up in person. While we're at it, who drinks tea and does yoga? Seriously, grow a pair and take up coffee, scotch and P90-X.
Mantra: I'm awesome. I know I'm awesome. And if I wind up alone, I'll get an amazing awesome dog and name it Tinkerbell or Bunnykins or something so cute, it won't be scary.
I think I needed to vent...I feel better now. And glad that I realized that it's not about him but my own insecurities...which, after writing about, are just momentary lapses in judgment.
I ignored the fact that it hurt and that he hurt me and that I'm upset...and I wish he was miserable without me because I'm just that awesome, right? I realized that I am still shaken because he can do just fine without me. He doesn't need me or think his life is worse because I'm not in it - He was okay leaving me out of his life...so maybe I'm not that awesome.
I figured it out. I don't miss him...I miss my confidence. I miss that sparkle that just sort stopped glittering because he was the first guy after I left Justin that I let close to me. He was the first guy I wanted to be with longer than a week. He was the first guy I brought home to my parents...and it hurts.
I think what hurts more is that it's silly that I have to be upset now because I thought one session of crying and ignoring it with Magic Mike would make it better. I thought that if I slept with my favorite go-to guy, I'd feel better...it didn't. I thought that if I started dating someone new it would help...surprise, it didn't.
Instead, I'm stuck. It's no longer about him...it's about me. I'm upset because I don't feel as kick-ass. I feel as though I'm going to wind up alone forever because I'm doing something wrong and I don't know what...
And I also feel like I'm turning into a whiny pathetic weenie who should have just hauled up her big girl panties, driven to Freddy and slapped him for not having the balls to come down and break up in person. While we're at it, who drinks tea and does yoga? Seriously, grow a pair and take up coffee, scotch and P90-X.
Mantra: I'm awesome. I know I'm awesome. And if I wind up alone, I'll get an amazing awesome dog and name it Tinkerbell or Bunnykins or something so cute, it won't be scary.
I think I needed to vent...I feel better now. And glad that I realized that it's not about him but my own insecurities...which, after writing about, are just momentary lapses in judgment.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Not interested in stupidity
What is it about unavailable men? Seriously, as I sit here, working on studying for a midterm tomorrow, I've realized that maybe I have certain friends that just...suck (I changed this word three times trying to be nicer) . Yes, he (or she) is nice, smart, funny, sexy as hell...but instead of feeling like we're friends, I feel like a royally ignored bitch.
First, I'm not a mean, terrible, awful person. A little cold and callous maybe but NOT this cold-hearted ice queen...and I don't appreciate the look of sheer surprise when I attempt to be a tad nicer because I know he or she is busy.
Because I have attempted to incorporate someone else's busy schedule into my life does not mean I was mean before all this crap -it means that I didn't have to make plans with you...I mean, him. It was because he actually wanted to hang out and I didn't have to get on my knees and beg...
Secondly, why is there always that guy that I'm willing to throw my cards on the table, take that huge gamble for and know that I'm going to lose out. Seriously, it's like drugs. I like the rush, the craziness, the intensity...but then, I'm totally screwed....well, yes, I am...but I'm also hurt. I just don't get it. My heart's not getting involved, I don't want to date him, I want friendship but goodness knows, it feels like this is some sort of stupid thing that he's terrified of. Yeah, I get up - I decided to date someone, you got hurt blah blah blah... but why is someone that terrified of hanging out with me. I don't bite...hard.
Finally, since when is it acceptable for friends to constantly ignore friends? Again...I don't bite! What the hell did I do to hurt Mr.Someone? I just don't get it.
Anyways, I'm sure he's reading this and I'm sure I'll get a tongue lashing...but screw it. Maybe it's time to find a new friend - But I don't know if I want to...
Yep.
First, I'm not a mean, terrible, awful person. A little cold and callous maybe but NOT this cold-hearted ice queen...and I don't appreciate the look of sheer surprise when I attempt to be a tad nicer because I know he or she is busy.
Because I have attempted to incorporate someone else's busy schedule into my life does not mean I was mean before all this crap -it means that I didn't have to make plans with you...I mean, him. It was because he actually wanted to hang out and I didn't have to get on my knees and beg...
Secondly, why is there always that guy that I'm willing to throw my cards on the table, take that huge gamble for and know that I'm going to lose out. Seriously, it's like drugs. I like the rush, the craziness, the intensity...but then, I'm totally screwed....well, yes, I am...but I'm also hurt. I just don't get it. My heart's not getting involved, I don't want to date him, I want friendship but goodness knows, it feels like this is some sort of stupid thing that he's terrified of. Yeah, I get up - I decided to date someone, you got hurt blah blah blah... but why is someone that terrified of hanging out with me. I don't bite...hard.
Finally, since when is it acceptable for friends to constantly ignore friends? Again...I don't bite! What the hell did I do to hurt Mr.Someone? I just don't get it.
Anyways, I'm sure he's reading this and I'm sure I'll get a tongue lashing...but screw it. Maybe it's time to find a new friend - But I don't know if I want to...
Yep.
Friday, October 19, 2012
If only essay writing were this easy
So technically, I have been dating someone for almost a month now. As I sit here watching "Sex and the City" and drinking cheap strawberry wine (and working on my essay if anyone asks), I've realized two things:
1) I'm okay with prostitution.
2) I really miss my ex.
Realization #1
I'm not saying I want to be a prostitute but what I'm wondering is this: If you're going to do it anyways, why not get paid? Yes okay, morals obviously get in the way...but really, if you can not only get your nookie-cake AND the new Coach bag? Really, there's not a lot of difference between casually dating (that is, not looking to get married/in a serious relationship) and prostitution? The lines are definitely blurred.
Realization #2
I miss my ex (no, not Justin). I'm one of those girls who doesn't get attached - I'm really bad at it, I generally hate men and if I don't, they're probably gay. Fact of the matter is, a million this are more important than relationships. That being said - I fell hard for an uneducated, blond, who was kinda short and of all things, in the army. F. My. Life. Seriously...THAT'S what I fall for? Okay well...I miss him. He was sweet, made me laugh, made me feel safe...and I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to make things last...thing is, I'm really bad at relationships. But, end of the day, we broke up. It just wasn't working - he started it, I finished it, we were good to go our separate ways.
Maybe I'm just projecting my issues of relationships onto one guy...maybe. Or maybe I'm just not happy with being single...or maybe I'm too happy being single. I dunno...but it doesn't really matter, we broke up. And here I am now, I have to double check the name I'm saying, if new guy brings him up, I get sad. I'm just...urgh! I'm losing my mind here.
New plan...another glass of wine!
1) I'm okay with prostitution.
2) I really miss my ex.
Realization #1
I'm not saying I want to be a prostitute but what I'm wondering is this: If you're going to do it anyways, why not get paid? Yes okay, morals obviously get in the way...but really, if you can not only get your nookie-cake AND the new Coach bag? Really, there's not a lot of difference between casually dating (that is, not looking to get married/in a serious relationship) and prostitution? The lines are definitely blurred.
Realization #2
I miss my ex (no, not Justin). I'm one of those girls who doesn't get attached - I'm really bad at it, I generally hate men and if I don't, they're probably gay. Fact of the matter is, a million this are more important than relationships. That being said - I fell hard for an uneducated, blond, who was kinda short and of all things, in the army. F. My. Life. Seriously...THAT'S what I fall for? Okay well...I miss him. He was sweet, made me laugh, made me feel safe...and I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to make things last...thing is, I'm really bad at relationships. But, end of the day, we broke up. It just wasn't working - he started it, I finished it, we were good to go our separate ways.
Maybe I'm just projecting my issues of relationships onto one guy...maybe. Or maybe I'm just not happy with being single...or maybe I'm too happy being single. I dunno...but it doesn't really matter, we broke up. And here I am now, I have to double check the name I'm saying, if new guy brings him up, I get sad. I'm just...urgh! I'm losing my mind here.
New plan...another glass of wine!
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