As I was peeing for the 100th time tonight, I realized I never bothered getting over my ex. Instead I ignored that it hurt. Why would I actually deal with the pain? It hurts - I want to take a pill and make it better or maybe just forget that it exists and that it's not really dealt with. It's been tucked away and ignored.
I ignored the fact that it hurt and that he hurt me and that I'm upset...and I wish he was miserable without me because I'm just that awesome, right? I realized that I am still shaken because he can do just fine without me. He doesn't need me or think his life is worse because I'm not in it - He was okay leaving me out of his life...so maybe I'm not that awesome.
I figured it out. I don't miss him...I miss my confidence. I miss that sparkle that just sort stopped glittering because he was the first guy after I left Justin that I let close to me. He was the first guy I wanted to be with longer than a week. He was the first guy I brought home to my parents...and it hurts.
I think what hurts more is that it's silly that I have to be upset now because I thought one session of crying and ignoring it with Magic Mike would make it better. I thought that if I slept with my favorite go-to guy, I'd feel better...it didn't. I thought that if I started dating someone new it would help...surprise, it didn't.
Instead, I'm stuck. It's no longer about him...it's about me. I'm upset because I don't feel as kick-ass. I feel as though I'm going to wind up alone forever because I'm doing something wrong and I don't know what...
And I also feel like I'm turning into a whiny pathetic weenie who should have just hauled up her big girl panties, driven to Freddy and slapped him for not having the balls to come down and break up in person. While we're at it, who drinks tea and does yoga? Seriously, grow a pair and take up coffee, scotch and P90-X.
Mantra: I'm awesome. I know I'm awesome. And if I wind up alone, I'll get an amazing awesome dog and name it Tinkerbell or Bunnykins or something so cute, it won't be scary.
I think I needed to vent...I feel better now. And glad that I realized that it's not about him but my own insecurities...which, after writing about, are just momentary lapses in judgment.