Sunday, October 28, 2012

Sometimes you just need to walk away...and other times you need to not let go

I had an awkward conversation with someone who's been a friend for awhile now on the bus.  I realized that I have nothing left to say.  It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to him - I was desperately searching to put the right words together, to form that sentence that would take the conversation from forced to natural...but it didn't happen.  I was staring at my friend thinking "I really don't know you, do I?"

The worst part was, as I was thinking that, I also realized that he didn't really care.  I realized that he was perfectly happy keeping me as a friend who caught up on events sometimes and hung out as a last, doesn't sound like much of a friend, does it?  Well, he was...I'll give him that.  Last year, he was probably one of the best friends I had but time changes things, people changes.  That's just how it is.  We didn't work on the friendship over the summer, didn't really try and that supported the idea that yeah, it's not going to really work.  I can't be friends with someone that I'm attempting to force words to come out of my mouth...I just can't.  What am I supposed to say? "How's the weather?"  Yeah, I'm not really up for that sort of fake-friendship.

That being said, I've been fortunate enough (or crazy enough) to restart dating my ex-boyfriend.  I'm getting a little tired of that term "Boyfriend."  Everything is fine until I use that term - then it all goes downhill.  Expectations are made, promises are broken, things fall just gets messy.  But, what else can I call it?  It's a relationship and I'm okay with it. 

He's the sort of guy I don't date - but he's also the sort of guy who's willing to work towards bettering himself and work around my schedule.  Fact is, I used to think he was a massive asshole.  He was a womanizer, a jerk, pushy, egocentric and rather irritating.  He was whiny and basically stuck in a dead end job in his dead end life...then I yelled at him.

Yes, I got angry (surprise, surprise).  He was spewing the same crap over and over again - my girlfriend is a meanie, she did this and that, she cheated, she's not in the relationship...(yep, uh huh) he was dating from the bottom of the barrel..not even in the barrel - dating the rotten leftovers from outside the barrel.

Okay so I was cruel (I choose to believe he choked up a bit and may have cried although he would probably argue that).  Fact is, he was doing the same crap over and over again and expecting different results.

Funny thing is - he listened to me.  He stopped trying to get in my pants and started hanging out as friends.  He also stopped trying to get in OTHER girls pants... He offered to help me with things - from drives to see my boyfriend at the time to just going out for coffee.  When my dog was put down, he called to make sure I was okay.  When my bf and I broke up, he called to make sure I was okay...and didn't hit on me.  He started to give up smoking because it was bugging him...He gave me the space I needed until I finally asked him out.

The funny thing is that I asked him out because I thought I'd get over my ex easier - yep, my plan was to use him and leave was like dating a puppy...cute, fun, but irritating...and then I stopped being so cynical all the time.  He wasn't a jerk...he was a nice guy.  He really's a little weird because I just don't date nice guys.

So when midterms came around, I got stressed and broke up with him...he didn't get upset...he said "okay, let's talk after your tests are over" thought was "you're bat-crap crazy" until after midterms were over and I was apologizing for freaking out...

So here I am realizing that I've found true friends that leave (and it's okay) and true boyfriends that are incredible once I give them a chance to be.  So I might not like the label...but I really do like him (a lot).  And he likes my Ludwig von Turdle. 


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