saying goodbye

Most people know I come from a split family but it's an odd situation. I don't really know K's side of the family (my biological father) for many reasons. This morning I woke up to a ton of missed calls from my mom so obviously, something was wrong. I called her immediately and found out my biological grandfather was killed this morning in a car accident.

I didn't really think it would bother me that much - we weren't close at all. I barely knew him...but there were some memories that keep coming back to me. He used to sit in front of the store on White Head and and he'd usually talk to me. I didn't know why...he just did.

And at Christmas time, Mom would always bring him homemade bread and jam (or pickles I think). I didn't really realize why but she would always say "they're family"...It made sense at the time because it was family...but I still didn't really understand. Once I got older, I pieced it together.

This summer, I have the possible opportunity to go home and work (fingers crossed) and I really wanted to start learning about my family more. Grand Manan is beginning to be home again - even though I'm not there, it's what has shaped me. Oddly enough, I'm interested in my history and I want to know about my family...but it's hard when you're not close to them.

Anyways, I didn't think I'd be overly upset about this - I really didn't. But I feel like I missed out on an opportunity to get to know someone. I am sad because I didn't take the opportunity when I was a little younger...and now, because of an accident, I won't be able to.

I feel a lot of things that I didn't think I'd feel - regret, upset, pity for the person who hit him...I just want to tell him so many things - mostly, it's not his fault and I don't blame him.

I'm also angry at someone who came into my office today and proceeded to tell me every single thing I did wrong to him during my job - seriously? My eyes are bright red from crying, I congratulated him on getting into journalism school and that's what he did...proceeded to tell me all my shortcomings and be a gigantic dick. Well, thank you JB. That just broke me a little more. I know I should let that go but I didn't need that today...I really didn't. I didn't even bother defending myself because the words aren't even there anymore.

I just need to go home, be with my family, sleep, not worry about exams at the moment and find things to do that are peaceful. I kept crying on the text books...not a good thing to do.

Gramp told me that God has a plan for everything...and while I find it hard to believe sometimes, I'm really hoping that there is a reason. I'm not overly religious but I do believe in God and hope that Richard went to heaven...and is there with his old, mean dog who had an attitude adjustment and doesn't chase bikers anymore.