The Vodka Diaries

As I sit here drinking vodka, in part because I am pissed and in part because I'm bored (huh, this appears healthy, doesn't it), I am blogging. Why? Because I'm grumpy.

It all started with this guy - as always. So guy - let's call him 'someone' has been sweet, decent, texting all the time, just sort of interestingly adorable...great, right? Oh yeah, until I let him sleep over after a few glasses of wine because it was late and drinking and driving scares me (even a couple drinks)... So he's a little too pushy for my liking. If I say no, I mean no. Maybe I'm just claustrophobic or maybe I'm about to puke from too much wine. Anyways, I wasn't uncomfortable enough to kick him out so he stayed...

So we keep things to a 'PG' but all of a sudden, but the next day, the texts slow to a minimum and then I get booty-called. Are you friggin' kidding me?...I'm NOT into that. There's an enormous difference between 'booty-call' and 'friends with benefits'

Now listen, there is a huge difference friends with benefits and a booty call - I LIKE friends with benefits. I like having someone that I can talk to, hang out with, be FRIENDS with. I don't like this stupid idea of a booty call. I don't want to be used. Ever.

Anyways, he says that's not it at all but it's really funny - he's around...no text. But he offers to come back for a sleepover - yep, sure, goody. Because I really want to sleep over with some guy who can't even be my friend before 8pm. Screw it. I don't want to talk about his sex life, his penis size, what he can 'do for me' that 'no other guy can' (uh huh) and I'm just tired of men yet again. No wonder I gave up on dating for 6 months.

Hookups are a dime a dozen - they're literally 'walk in bar, 15 minutes, walk out' - boring and kind sleezy. I'd rather stick with a good friend...and obviously, 'somebody' is not it.

My conversation with my turtle

After a concoction of interesting pills found in the bottom of my purse (just kidding), my turtle and I had a grand conversation that goes as followed:

Sam- Ludwig, why can't I find a good guy?

Ludwig- Glub glub

S- Seriously, is it really that hard? Really? I'm not even asking for long term? I'm just asking for someone who knows how to be sweet, still a guy, and fun to hook up with. Are my standards really that high that I can't find anyone in SJ?

L- Glub slurp gurgle

S- K, I get it - I'm a LITTLE picky. But that's just because I hate wasting my time and seriously, too many guys assume that short skirts= easy...I'm definitely NOT easy...but I would like a warm body to curl up with!

L- Glurgle

S- Is it really that hard? Urgh...Ludwig, thank goodness you understand me.

L- Glub glub burp

Conversation with my mother

On FB, my mother and I had this conversation...the ugly cat is my mother - well, technically it's my cat Esme but it's my mom's profile picture at the moment.

Here goes:

...

also did you see Frankie the Capuchin monkey

No I didn't see Frankie...

it's on my wall - so cute!!!!

ok

Awww...cute monkey...Love the chirping sounds he makes.

I know! He made me happy :)

Looks like he enjoyed the blow dryer.

I know..I love him. Mom, can I have a monkey?

.NO

Chat conversation end

That pesky list

As per my last blog post I have developed a working list of what I'd expect in actually dating a guy.

1) Education/Smart - It's number 1 on my list because education is important and being smart is sexy. I want both.

2) Healthy - This does not mean a gym rat but I run and try to take care of myself, I'd hope someone did the same for me. No drugs, no smoking.

3) Likes pets - I have a turtle. He'll have to at least accept, if not love it. Same thing goes with dogs and cats. Snakes - no. Just no.

4) Drinking - If you're a nasty drunk, don't drink. Know how to handle your alcohol.

5) Has own friends - I don't want him around 24/7...have the 'boys' and I'll have the 'girls' and we'll meet up later and have a boy/girl moment.

6) Good kisser - If you cannot send shivers down my back, it's not going to work.

7) Manly man- This doesn't mean super-macho, beat people up...but know how to fix a toilet or faucet...I want to feel safe. If you're shorter than me, I don't feel safe (Unless you're a ninja). Don't be whiny...emotional, sure.

8) Temper in check - enough said.

9) If you take longer to get ready to go than I do, I'm sorry this won't work.

10) I am a girl. As one of my friends said "Girls are not F***ed up dudes, they're girls. Learn the art of wooing. (I love that word 'woo')

I'm sure there is more but sadly, I cannot think of any at the moment because I am staring at Ludwig von Turdle-Tinker. What a great pet.

The top ten reasons I'm giving up men again

Realistically, I tend to meet a lot of very interesting guys...once in a great while 'interesting' actually means "Cool guy that I could see myself dating" not "He just got out of the psych ward and his eyes are looking in different directions." The past couple of months I feel as though I've been saying the following constantly to many different guys:

-"No, I don't want to see your penis"

-"I don't care how big it is - I don't want to see it"

-"No, it's not the biggest I've ever seen"

-"If you don't get your hand off my ass, you'll be giving yourself head"

-"No I'm not gay, I'm just not into YOU in particular"

-"Fine, I'm gay...do you feel better about your masculinity?"

-"I don't care how fast your car/truck/motorcycle goes, don't care that you have a boat, don't care that you were just that cool in high school"

-"...if you haven't noticed, I'm more of a Happinez/BigTide girl - not Cougars/Tonic"

-"I'm really really not interested...really"

-"wow you're such a great...oh your boyfriend is into...nevermind"

Really, can I please just meet ONE good guy? I'm not asking for much - okay maybe I am. See next blog post for list of what I want in a man.