Sometimes you just need to walk away...and other times you need to not let go

I had an awkward conversation with someone who's been a friend for awhile now on the bus.  I realized that I have nothing left to say.  It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to him - I was desperately searching to put the right words together, to form that sentence that would take the conversation from forced to natural...but it didn't happen.  I was staring at my friend thinking "I really don't know you, do I?"

The worst part was, as I was thinking that, I also realized that he didn't really care.  I realized that he was perfectly happy keeping me as a friend who caught up on events sometimes and hung out as a last resort...wow, doesn't sound like much of a friend, does it?  Well, he was...I'll give him that.  Last year, he was probably one of the best friends I had but time changes things, people change...life changes.  That's just how it is.  We didn't work on the friendship over the summer, didn't really try and that supported the idea that yeah, it's not going to really work.  I can't be friends with someone that I'm attempting to force words to come out of my mouth...I just can't.  What am I supposed to say? "How's the weather?"  Yeah, I'm not really up for that sort of fake-friendship.

That being said, I've been fortunate enough (or crazy enough) to restart dating my ex-boyfriend.  I'm getting a little tired of that term "Boyfriend."  Everything is fine until I use that term - then it all goes downhill.  Expectations are made, promises are broken, things fall apart...it just gets messy.  But, what else can I call it?  It's a relationship and I'm okay with it. 

He's the sort of guy I don't date - but he's also the sort of guy who's willing to work towards bettering himself and work around my schedule.  Fact is, I used to think he was a massive asshole.  He was a womanizer, a jerk, pushy, egocentric and rather irritating.  He was whiny and basically stuck in a dead end job in his dead end life...then I yelled at him.

Yes, I got angry (surprise, surprise).  He was spewing the same crap over and over again - my girlfriend is a meanie, she did this and that, she cheated, she's not in the relationship...(yep, uh huh) he was dating from the bottom of the barrel..not even in the barrel - dating the rotten leftovers from outside the barrel.

Okay so I was cruel (I choose to believe he choked up a bit and may have cried although he would probably argue that).  Fact is, he was doing the same crap over and over again and expecting different results.

Funny thing is - he listened to me.  He stopped trying to get in my pants and started hanging out as friends.  He also stopped trying to get in OTHER girls pants... He offered to help me with things - from drives to see my boyfriend at the time to just going out for coffee.  When my dog was put down, he called to make sure I was okay.  When my bf and I broke up, he called to make sure I was okay...and didn't hit on me.  He started to give up smoking because it was bugging him...He gave me the space I needed until I finally asked him out.

The funny thing is that I asked him out because I thought I'd get over my ex easier - yep, my plan was to use him and leave him...it was like dating a puppy...cute, fun, but irritating...and then I stopped being so cynical all the time.  He wasn't a jerk...he was a nice guy.  He really is...it's a little weird because I just don't date nice guys.

So when midterms came around, I got stressed and broke up with him...he didn't get upset...he said "okay, let's talk after your tests are over"...my thought was "you're bat-crap crazy" until after midterms were over and I was apologizing for freaking out...

So here I am realizing that I've found true friends that leave (and it's okay) and true boyfriends that are incredible once I give them a chance to be.  So I might not like the label...but I really do like him (a lot).  And he likes my Ludwig von Turdle. 

   

Coming at you from another potty moment

As I was peeing for the 100th time tonight, I realized I never bothered getting over my ex.  Instead I ignored that it hurt.   Why would I actually deal with the pain? It hurts - I want to take a pill and make it better or maybe just forget that it exists and that it's not really dealt with.  It's been tucked away and ignored.

 I ignored the fact that it hurt and that he hurt me and that I'm upset...and I wish he was miserable without me because I'm just that awesome, right?  I realized that I am still shaken because he can do just fine without me.  He doesn't need me or think his life is worse because I'm not in it - He was okay leaving me out of his life...so maybe I'm not that awesome. 

I figured it out.  I don't miss him...I miss my confidence. I miss that sparkle that just sort stopped glittering because he was the first guy after I left Justin that I let close to me.  He was the first guy I wanted to be with longer than a week.  He was the first guy I brought home to my parents...and it hurts.

I think what hurts more is that it's silly that I have to be upset now because I thought one session of crying and ignoring it with Magic Mike would make it better.  I thought that if I slept with my favorite go-to guy, I'd feel better...it didn't.  I thought that if I started dating someone new it would help...surprise, it didn't.

Instead, I'm stuck.  It's no longer about him...it's about me.  I'm upset because I don't feel as kick-ass.  I feel as though I'm going to wind up alone forever because I'm doing something wrong and I don't know what...

And I also feel like I'm turning into a whiny pathetic weenie who should have just hauled up her big girl panties, driven to Freddy and slapped him for not having the balls to come down and break up in person.  While we're at it, who drinks tea and does yoga?  Seriously, grow a pair and take up coffee, scotch and P90-X. 

Mantra: I'm awesome.  I know I'm awesome.  And if I wind up alone, I'll get an amazing awesome dog and name it Tinkerbell or Bunnykins or something so cute, it won't be scary.  

I think I needed to vent...I feel better now.  And glad that I realized that it's not about him but my own insecurities...which, after writing about, are just momentary lapses in judgment. 

 

Not interested in stupidity

What is it about unavailable men?  Seriously, as I sit here, working on studying for a midterm tomorrow, I've realized that maybe I have certain friends that just...suck (I changed this word three times trying to be nicer) .  Yes, he (or she) is nice, smart, funny, sexy as hell...but instead of feeling like we're friends, I feel like a royally ignored bitch. 

First, I'm not a mean, terrible, awful person.  A little cold and callous maybe but NOT this cold-hearted ice queen...and I don't appreciate the look of sheer surprise when I attempt to be a tad nicer because I know he or she is busy.

Because I have attempted to incorporate someone else's busy schedule into my life does not mean I was mean before all this crap -it means that I didn't have to make plans with you...I mean, him.  It was because he actually wanted to hang out and I didn't have to get on my knees and beg...

Secondly, why is there always that guy that I'm willing to throw my cards on the table, take that huge gamble for and know that I'm going to lose out.  Seriously, it's like drugs.  I like the rush, the craziness, the intensity...but then, I'm totally screwed....well, yes, I am...but I'm also hurt.  I just don't get it.  My heart's not getting involved, I don't want to date him, I want friendship but goodness knows, it feels like this is some sort of stupid thing that he's terrified of.  Yeah, I get up - I decided to date someone, you got hurt blah blah blah... but why is someone that terrified of hanging out with me.  I don't bite...hard.

Finally, since when is it acceptable for friends to constantly ignore friends?  Again...I don't bite! What the hell did I do to hurt Mr.Someone?  I just don't get it.

Anyways, I'm sure he's reading this and I'm sure I'll get a tongue lashing...but screw it.  Maybe it's time to find a new friend - But I don't know if I want to...

Yep. 

If only essay writing were this easy

So technically, I have been dating someone for almost a month now.  As I sit here watching "Sex and the City" and drinking cheap strawberry wine (and working on my essay if anyone asks), I've realized two things:

1) I'm okay with prostitution.

2) I really miss my ex.

Realization #1

I'm not saying I want to be a prostitute but what I'm wondering is this: If you're going to do it anyways, why not get paid?  Yes okay, morals obviously get in the way...but really, if you can not only get your nookie-cake AND the new Coach bag?  Really, there's not a lot of difference between casually dating (that is, not looking to get married/in a serious relationship) and prostitution?  The lines are definitely blurred.

Realization #2

I miss my ex (no, not Justin).  I'm one of those girls who doesn't get attached - I'm really bad at it, I generally hate men and if I don't, they're probably gay.  Fact of the matter is, a million this are more important than relationships.  That being said - I fell hard for an uneducated, blond, who was kinda short and of all things, in the army.  F. My. Life.  Seriously...THAT'S what I fall for?  Okay well...I miss him.  He was sweet, made me laugh, made me feel safe...and I wanted to make him happy.  I wanted to make things last...thing is, I'm really bad at relationships.  But, end of the day, we broke up.  It just wasn't working - he started it, I finished it, we were good to go our separate ways. 

Maybe I'm just projecting my issues of relationships onto one guy...maybe.  Or maybe I'm just not happy with being single...or maybe I'm too happy being single.  I dunno...but it doesn't really matter, we broke up.  And here I am now, I have to double check the name I'm saying, if new guy brings him up, I get sad.  I'm just...urgh!  I'm losing my mind here.

New plan...another glass of wine! 

Dear Justin

Hi there blog world,

I haven't been writing for awhile as I've been overwhelmed and don't know what to say.  But I'm going to start with a letter - to Justin.  For those of you who don't know who he is, he's my husband.  I'd love to say ex-husband but unfortunately, he hasn't divorced me.  He's also the jerk who told me I was crazy when I thought he was cheating on me - so much so that I actually went on medication for depression because "I was crazy."  Justin decided to come to UNBSJ, the school that I have attended for the past 3 years because his new floozy lives in the city apparently.  So here's the letter, full names because hopefully, someday he reads this and hopefully, he realizes what an ass he truly has been. 

Dear Justin,

How dare you?  Who the hell do you think you are to step foot in the city I came to to run away from you?  How dare you invade my space? The space that I made for myself because I was so beaten down by you that I needed something to keep me alive?  How dare you attempt to ruin that for me? 

Well, welcome to my world now.  I have never kept quiet about being in an abusive relationship - that's right, abuse.  I'm sure you don't like that term - that you were abusive.  That you lied to me to a point where I took medication that caused me to try to kill myself, that you called me stupid so much that I believed it, that I was putting you through university for "us"...sorry hun, does your new girlfriend know THAT is the type of person you are?  I could say "were" but I don't think that sadistic type of attitude - that "I'm better than you in all ways" sort of attitude, goes away.

So welcome to UNBSJ - where the people that know me (and that's a lot of people, professors, students, faculty) know that you're abusive.  That you play the sweetheart well - but with me, you don't get to have that mask because I already smashed it.

By the way, I'm far, far from stupid.  My 'stupid' ideas had you emailing to volunteer for me (by the way, who's stupid for not double checking the e-mail address since you knew I was involved with the school?).  My "stupid" brain is graduating this year - with a pretty damn good GPA.  So yeah, you're an idiot for ever saying that.

So since you're here and constantly looking like you're constipated (seriously, you may want to get something checked out), I'm going to make the best of it.  I'm going to smile every time I see you because you truly are a moron.  You lied, cheated, broke my heart, left a lot of psychological damage, but you know what - I'm so much better than that.  Let's just put this out there, I'm just so much better than you.  I'm going to smile because I'm no longer stuck with your red-headed, condescending, paunch-bellied, scarred up, wanna be high school hero, pain-in-the-ass.

Later,

Samantha Tinker (same last name).