A great end to a...not so great week

After a week that I can only call full of turmoil, Friday ended amazingly. As my close friends know, some things I've been advised not to blog about - work stuff.

One thing after another led to a weekend where I was ready to just say 'I'm done with this job, this school and I just don't care about it anymore.' Yeah...it was that bad. Thankfully, when things get bad - good things happen.

Someone thanked me for my work with the paper, other people asked how I was doing with the meeting I had - my boyfriend was amazing. I really can't ask for anyone better and finally, we have the Blood Drive at the school - the one I organized.

Let's just say I remember why I do this. People are ultimately good and they deserve the opportunity to show they are willing to help others. I am so proud of my school, the students I am with, people who came down to try to donate blood and people who were terrified and still did.

The blood drive was successful enough we ran out of time and had to turn people away. This really is a great day!

I stayed in tonight to get some homework done, a test on Monday and another test on Thursday. Both are not easy classes and I definitely have a lot to study for this weekend. My boyfriend is having a boys night out - more to come in the next blog on that one :)

Have a great weekend everyone!

Great idea gone terribly wrong

So I've been dating probably the best guy for me right now- he's an engineering student, doesn't get worked up, fun, easy to get along with - and he's leaving in August to go to Fredericton so before we began dating, we had this bright idea to break up when the summer was over.

In theory, this works...but I actually like him - probably more than I thought I would.

I want to hide under a rock.

3 years on the 19th...time does fly by.

On the 19th of February, I left my ex 3 years ago. I have been trying to find out why I've been so off lately...depressed, tearing up, angry, tired and not even caring about grades or anything else lately and I think this is why.

It's a hard moment to remember and I think I'll remember it for a long time. I can forget my wedding anniversary - that was a happy day. It was a great day filled with love and friends and family. It was a moment when I was so unbelievably in love that my heart hurt.

The 19th though was the complete opposite. My heart broke apart that day...and yes, it's patched up but there are still a lot of cracks.

This is the first year I can't hide away from everything. I have a job, a life, a boyfriend...I can't just hide in my room with a book, throw myself into school and ignore people. I hate this feeling though because I really just want to hide away from the world. I hate showing weakness and not being as perfectly in control of my emotions is hard for me - in part because I'm constantly scared I'm going to have a panic attack or I'm just going to need medicine again so I can stay level. The joys of bipolar...a fear that when you start to cry, you won't be able to stop and the depression will just eat you little by little.

I guess the only thing I can do is remind myself is that I'm allowed to feel the way I do, I'm allowed to be angry, sad, upset and depressed. I'm allowed to be emotional but I refuse to push people away because I'm upset. I refuse to forget that I have an amazing support system; a family that loves me, a boyfriend who is convinced ice cream is a terrible get well food but doesn't say anything when I eat it and say it helps (Besides, what does he know though - he's only got three doctors in the family).

Ultimately, I am here in university because I left. I don't think I'm stupid anymore - even though I hear the words most days in the back of my head. I'm not terrified of being yelled at or of controversy because no one can make me feel worse than my ex did. I'm not constantly panicking because I'm wrong about something, I forgot something, I'm going to make someone angry...I still stress about being perfect though and stress out easily over controversy - something Anthony mentioned and I didn't really realize I did it but I do.

I still have scars but I'm recognizing them now - that's a first for me. 3 years...I wonder what the next 3 are going to look like.

Sleeping arrangements

Last night was my first night curled up in my own bed alone since Tuesday and just let say this - I love it. Most people are so sentimental or excited about sleeping over (literally, just sleeping mom) at a friend's or boyfriend's house or at a hotel.

I'm almost the opposite - I really enjoy just sleeping alone. I don't like the warmth (or cold) of another person. I'm a blanket hog, I snore, I don't like giving my pillows away. Yes, it's selfish but I don't like one side of the bed or another...I like the middle!

Thankfully, I don't go away TOO often and my boyfriend is amazing about giving me space - an essential in my life.

Now to head out for a bit and go out for a drive - I need a bit of a moment away from studying (not that much studying has been accomplished today).

My realizations hit me like a brick wall

I've been complaining today about it being a crappy day. Why? Student politics have me down, my work has been called into question, things aren't going just right...it's just been a bad day.

Then, as I was walking back to my room from the library, a security guy told me to be careful - it was slippery. Well, that was nice of him. I appreciated that and walked a little slower.

My boyfriend has been amazing through this - extremely supportive and just great. I appreciate that too.

John and Ugie were two other kind ears - it didn't take a lot but I didn't say thanks to them either...but I really did appreciate it.

Anthony listened to me worry all morning and didn't get angry - huh, didn't say thanks there but I really appreciated that too.

Finally, I realized something - there is a woman on Grand Manan mourning the loss of her husband. She spent last night not knowing where he was or if he'd come home. The is a daughter mourning her father's death.

And I'm complaining about my day? I need to learn to appreciate things more and not focus on the irritants. Nothing bad happened today - it was irritating and annoying but it wasn't bad. It wasn't heartbreaking.

To Vern's family, I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through but please know, there is an entire island of people who are thinking about you, praying for you and are with you in thought and spirit.