Monday, March 18, 2013

Fear of the Unknown

As I sit here writing, I don't even really know where to begin.  Gramp is doing well but he has two high-risk blockages in the back of his heart.  He keeps saying he's ready to go to the Lord if it's his time - but I'm being selfish and really don't want it to be his time.   

Grampy has always been actively involved in my life - part of that is because I lived with them before Mom got married.  I called every single evening for years just before bed to say goodnight.  Part of it's because I have always respected him (even in my terrible teenage years).  Mam and Bamp have always loved me unconditionally and I knew that.  They are my role models on how to live life (I've got that one down), how to show unconditional love (I'm learning) and how to have a great marriage (failed epically the first time but I'll get there someday). 

 They truly are the most amazing people I have ever met so to think of imagining my life without either of them - okay I just choked up again.  I've been unbelievably blessed to have them in my life for 26 years so how do I even begin to see my life without one of them?  

Back to positive thinking - if the stress test goes well and he passes it, he'll be okay and not need the surgery.  That's what I'm hoping and praying for right now.  I've got to keep thinking about the good things and keep doing whatever I can to help out.  I just need to keep busy and stop tearing up all the time.  I'm doing everything I can and I'll continue to do that.  Thankfully, this blog tends to keep me grounded.  I can look at my writing and figure out the voice in my head that keeps repeating: 

 "Sam, you're scared, terrified even.  Your grandparents have always been there and you're not ready to not have them there.  That being said, the doctors are amazing, gramp is strong, and he is calm about this.  Chances are, he will be okay and no, that doesn't make you feel better but you need to keep studying (even if you aren't going to class at the moment) and you need to pray things will work out.  Keep eating healthy, go for a run, take Gramp a salad tomorrow and a Tim's coffee.  You need to do your homework and go to class if you can - whatever happens, he's okay with it...You're not.  You can't change the outcome though and if you're stressed, you're not able to help as much as you would like.  Stay positive and don't let yourself get mired in despair."

Sometimes I give myself good advice.  Please continue to keep my family in your thoughts and prayers - I don't usually talk about religion on my blog but this is more important to me than a lighthearted laugh.  



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