Monday, January 21, 2013

The pit in my stomach

There are days when I just don't know what to write - sometimes it's because so many good things have happens or because so many miserable things have happened but usually, it's hardest to write when a couple of things spoil a completely perfect day.

So as I sit here, waiting for some music to download so I can go for a run, I've had the chance to think.  One of my friends said today that she thinks I expect a lot out of a relationship - but I'm unsure if she meant it as a good thing or a bad thing.  She also asked "Is that it?" when I gave my reason for breaking up with my boyfriend... maybe not the person to talk to about relationships.  I could give a few dozen reasons for breaking up with him and frankly, I don't think I need to on here because he's a decent guy with a great heart.  He's got a few issues though that I can't get past - and would be huge problems if we had a future together.  

As far as expecting a lot, I think we should all expect a lot more from one another - we should never just settle and say "this is the best there is" if it's not true.  We should expect a lot from the person in our relationship but we should also expect a lot from ourselves.  We should expect that both parties will mess things up sometimes, that things won't be perfect - but to expect better days.  We should expect to feel loved, to have people bringing us up and not down, to be excited when we accomplish things or start working towards new goals, we should be thankful that the other person is in our lives...and we should expect to mirror what we expect in our own actions.  I expect a lot because I give a lot.  Expecting a lot without giving is selfish - but giving of yourself without expecting the same treatment is destructive.  

So as I sit here, I am trying to piece together how I feel - currently I feel like running.  I saw one of my friends who I had to let go after I settled down into a relationship...and promptly threw up in the public washroom (oh that was GOOD fun).  I realized that once again, I need a break from relationships.  I need to clear my head, get my feet underneath me, and be proud of what I'm trying to do with my life.  I can't let another person dictate how I feel - and that's how I was beginning to feel with my my life was developing into this amazing experience, his was stuck.  I want to help but I can't do that as a girlfriend because I invest too much and it drains me.  I know this is my issue and I need to learn to control it - and I will - but I need to clear my head for a few months (like...6).  

So, this is round 2 of self-induced celibacy - no dating, no kissing, no hooking up, no flirting (okay that one always gets broken but darn it, I try).  6 months.  January 21 - July 21Last time I did this, I learned a lot about me...I learned to be happy being me...I learned to jog a lot to take my mind off...everything.

I need to dig out my own suit of armor and burn the princess dress because the knight has more fun (good land, they get a horse!).  

Anyways blog-world, my music is done and my legs are aching to go out. Peace and sunshine!  

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