Sunday, January 22, 2012

The mornings when you wake up without your pants

"I don't want to hurt you" a drunken haze, I remember those words before falling asleep. It's slightly interesting how, to me, that statement is important.

I've realized, in my quests for perfection and learning to handle different relationships, that even in casual dating, I can end up hurt because I tend to care about people quickly.

I care about my friends who are sick or having their wisdom teeth out. I care about people I barely know who are struggling with different issues. I care about the people I date even casually and I also care about myself.

I don't want to wind up hurt just because someone is having fun or because I'm the 'new shiny toy' that they want to play with. I don't enjoy it because I don't want to be used. There, I said what many people are thinking- I'm terrified of falling for someone and being rejected. Okay, that was a very personal statement.

The problem is, I'd ask myself "What is wrong with me?" and wind up trying to be better, smarter, prettier, thinner, nicer...because I'm not good enough. I wouldn't stop to think 'he's an idiot and doesn't know what he's missing' or even better 'we just didn't mesh'...I'd think I was broken.

Oddly enough, since I made peace with the fact that my marriage ending was not all my fault, I've realized all these things about myself that have helped me this year. I'm not as scared anymore of losing myself in someone else because I actually genuinely like me. I'll admit, that's a pretty good feeling.

Anyways, since I woke up this morning late without my pants on and my breath smelling of smoke (stupid stupid decision) and stale, pink wine, I'm off to do homework and attempt to get ahead in my studies.

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