There are days when I just don't know what to write - sometimes it's because so many good things have happens or because so many miserable things have happened but usually, it's hardest to write when a couple of things spoil a completely perfect day.
So as I sit here, waiting for some music to download so I can go for a run, I've had the chance to think. One of my friends said today that she thinks I expect a lot out of a relationship - but I'm unsure if she meant it as a good thing or a bad thing. She also asked "Is that it?" when I gave my reason for breaking up with my boyfriend... maybe not the person to talk to about relationships. I could give a few dozen reasons for breaking up with him and frankly, I don't think I need to on here because he's a decent guy with a great heart. He's got a few issues though that I can't get past - and would be huge problems if we had a future together.
As far as expecting a lot, I think we should all expect a lot more from one another - we should never just settle and say "this is the best there is" if it's not true. We should expect a lot from the person in our relationship but we should also expect a lot from ourselves. We should expect that both parties will mess things up sometimes, that things won't be perfect - but to expect better days. We should expect to feel loved, to have people bringing us up and not down, to be excited when we accomplish things or start working towards new goals, we should be thankful that the other person is in our lives...and we should expect to mirror what we expect in our own actions. I expect a lot because I give a lot. Expecting a lot without giving is selfish - but giving of yourself without expecting the same treatment is destructive.
So as I sit here, I am trying to piece together how I feel - currently I feel like running. I saw one of my friends who I had to let go after I settled down into a relationship...and promptly threw up in the public washroom (oh that was GOOD fun). I realized that once again, I need a break from relationships. I need to clear my head, get my feet underneath me, and be proud of what I'm trying to do with my life. I can't let another person dictate how I feel - and that's how I was beginning to feel with my ex...as my life was developing into this amazing experience, his was stuck. I want to help but I can't do that as a girlfriend because I invest too much and it drains me. I know this is my issue and I need to learn to control it - and I will - but I need to clear my head for a few months (like...6).
So, this is round 2 of self-induced celibacy - no dating, no kissing, no hooking up, no flirting (okay that one always gets broken but darn it, I try). 6 months. January 21 - July 21. Last time I did this, I learned a lot about me...I learned to be happy being me...I learned to jog a lot to take my mind off...everything.
I need to dig out my own suit of armor and burn the princess dress because the knight has more fun (good land, they get a horse!).
Anyways blog-world, my music is done and my legs are aching to go out. Peace and sunshine!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Thankful List
Today was an easy day:
1) I'm thankful for Connie at the Writing Centre. She's amazingly patient, kind, and critical without breaking my little Tinker-heart. Note to self: Make her cookies.
2) I'm so thankful for professors like Janice, Dr. Whitney, Dr. Fury, and Dr. Marquis...they've been the ones to keep me going and push me or say "you need to slow down just a little"...I am just so amazed by the amount of care they have for their students every single day. They're kinda like superheros without the capes (or do they have capes?)
3) I'm so thankful for friends that share my happiness! They are wonderful!
4) Justin (my husband cough hack) is getting married. Yep, that's right. My husband is getting married. Which means...I AM NOT PAYING FOR THE DIVORCE! I am BEYOND happy! I am, as one of my minions (I mean kids I babysat) used to say upon recieving a treat "happy, happy, happy!"
5) I booked my volunteer trip to Guatemala today. I'll be scooping poop and brushing animals. Bring it on.
6) I'm thankful that the books I'm reading in Dr. Creelman's class aren't boring.
7) I'm thankful for my laptop - this thing has made my life so much more simple!
8) I'm thankful for my boyfriend - he says stupid things sometimes and we fight...and sometimes I forget to see the trees because I'm looking at the squirrels...I'm picking out the flaws and ignoring his great qualities. He's a wonderful human being with a huge heart.
9) I'm thankful for my mom - she joined in on the "Justin's getting married" celebration.
10) I'm thankful for Kevin. I thought of him a few days ago and realized that I'm happier being in a relationship with someone I can fight with than someone I don't care enough about to fight with. He taught me that I need to care in a relationship or it doesn't really matter - it may be easy...but it's going nowhere.
1) I'm thankful for Connie at the Writing Centre. She's amazingly patient, kind, and critical without breaking my little Tinker-heart. Note to self: Make her cookies.
2) I'm so thankful for professors like Janice, Dr. Whitney, Dr. Fury, and Dr. Marquis...they've been the ones to keep me going and push me or say "you need to slow down just a little"...I am just so amazed by the amount of care they have for their students every single day. They're kinda like superheros without the capes (or do they have capes?)
3) I'm so thankful for friends that share my happiness! They are wonderful!
4) Justin (my husband cough hack) is getting married. Yep, that's right. My husband is getting married. Which means...I AM NOT PAYING FOR THE DIVORCE! I am BEYOND happy! I am, as one of my minions (I mean kids I babysat) used to say upon recieving a treat "happy, happy, happy!"
5) I booked my volunteer trip to Guatemala today. I'll be scooping poop and brushing animals. Bring it on.
6) I'm thankful that the books I'm reading in Dr. Creelman's class aren't boring.
7) I'm thankful for my laptop - this thing has made my life so much more simple!
8) I'm thankful for my boyfriend - he says stupid things sometimes and we fight...and sometimes I forget to see the trees because I'm looking at the squirrels...I'm picking out the flaws and ignoring his great qualities. He's a wonderful human being with a huge heart.
9) I'm thankful for my mom - she joined in on the "Justin's getting married" celebration.
10) I'm thankful for Kevin. I thought of him a few days ago and realized that I'm happier being in a relationship with someone I can fight with than someone I don't care enough about to fight with. He taught me that I need to care in a relationship or it doesn't really matter - it may be easy...but it's going nowhere.
Friday, January 11, 2013
5 things...
Today was one of those days - you know the kind where emotionally, physically and mentally you're just drained? One of those days. So...5 things I am grateful for...
1) I am grateful that my job finally listened and is letting me leave 5 minutes early so that I can catch the earlier bus home - I was at my wits end getting home at 10:40 and trying to cram studying in that late (then up at 6-7am for more homework). I knew I couldn't keep up so I explained the situation.
2) I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to travel to Costa Rica in December to work with sea turtles!!! :D (More details on that once I'm fully registered - waiting for 250$ to put my deposit down). It's voluntourism...helping and being a tourist at the same time (more helping as I'll be in a pretty remote area...)
3) I am grateful that I don't need to take 5 courses this term - four more and I'm a GRADUATE!!! 4 years has gone on long enough :) It's been fun but I'm ready for a new adventure (even though I'm grateful for it).
4) I'm grateful for the couple that came in tonight, appreciated my honesty about pillows (I knew the woman was NOT going to like the one she chose and I asked if she'd be okay waiting for a sale and getting one that was way more expensive but would last longer...). She was so impressed, they wrote a WOW card for me! I like people like that!
5) I am grateful that I got to see my boyfriend today - I am mixed on this one though. He told me he's looking at moving to Moncton which is a) further away and b) not SJ...where I live...where he could get a job...where we could be closer? Okay then. Wonderful. Thanks a bunch. Needless to say, this is why I'm up at close to midnight...why? because I'm rather angry. I love him but he says this stuff and doesn't seem to think about the consequences it has on me - so what am I supposed to do?
I was almost to the point of just walking away...I'm tired of the stupid smoking and him not really seeming to understand that I HATE the fact that he smokes, I hate the smell, it makes me gag, it's just gross and oh yeah, I'm watching the guy I love kill himself. Sure. Because if we stay together until we're 60 and he gets lung cancer, I'm going to be angry and sad and scared and hurt. I'm tired of him constantly being short-answered when I ask a question - it's annoying and I just want to tell him off.
And yet, I'm still grateful for him because he's a genuinely good person. He's a sweetheart who would do anything to try to make me happy and I do love him...I just have a hard time working on relationships - I wasn't kidding when I said in class (as my friend turned purple laughing) "Oh, I'm bad at commitment"...I wasn't joking and she knew it.
I guess I wish this relationship was easier...I know that sounds lazy and I'm not trying to be - I just wish we didn't have the smoking to fight about or, I guess, Moncton now. I even mentioned "okay, well I could go to school up there" (which I could) and no response...well, thanks for including me in your plan, sweetie.
6) (I don't think 5 counted)...I am grateful that my beer bread turned out wonderfully - it was great with dinner :)
1) I am grateful that my job finally listened and is letting me leave 5 minutes early so that I can catch the earlier bus home - I was at my wits end getting home at 10:40 and trying to cram studying in that late (then up at 6-7am for more homework). I knew I couldn't keep up so I explained the situation.
2) I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to travel to Costa Rica in December to work with sea turtles!!! :D (More details on that once I'm fully registered - waiting for 250$ to put my deposit down). It's voluntourism...helping and being a tourist at the same time (more helping as I'll be in a pretty remote area...)
3) I am grateful that I don't need to take 5 courses this term - four more and I'm a GRADUATE!!! 4 years has gone on long enough :) It's been fun but I'm ready for a new adventure (even though I'm grateful for it).
4) I'm grateful for the couple that came in tonight, appreciated my honesty about pillows (I knew the woman was NOT going to like the one she chose and I asked if she'd be okay waiting for a sale and getting one that was way more expensive but would last longer...). She was so impressed, they wrote a WOW card for me! I like people like that!
5) I am grateful that I got to see my boyfriend today - I am mixed on this one though. He told me he's looking at moving to Moncton which is a) further away and b) not SJ...where I live...where he could get a job...where we could be closer? Okay then. Wonderful. Thanks a bunch. Needless to say, this is why I'm up at close to midnight...why? because I'm rather angry. I love him but he says this stuff and doesn't seem to think about the consequences it has on me - so what am I supposed to do?
I was almost to the point of just walking away...I'm tired of the stupid smoking and him not really seeming to understand that I HATE the fact that he smokes, I hate the smell, it makes me gag, it's just gross and oh yeah, I'm watching the guy I love kill himself. Sure. Because if we stay together until we're 60 and he gets lung cancer, I'm going to be angry and sad and scared and hurt. I'm tired of him constantly being short-answered when I ask a question - it's annoying and I just want to tell him off.
And yet, I'm still grateful for him because he's a genuinely good person. He's a sweetheart who would do anything to try to make me happy and I do love him...I just have a hard time working on relationships - I wasn't kidding when I said in class (as my friend turned purple laughing) "Oh, I'm bad at commitment"...I wasn't joking and she knew it.
I guess I wish this relationship was easier...I know that sounds lazy and I'm not trying to be - I just wish we didn't have the smoking to fight about or, I guess, Moncton now. I even mentioned "okay, well I could go to school up there" (which I could) and no response...well, thanks for including me in your plan, sweetie.
6) (I don't think 5 counted)...I am grateful that my beer bread turned out wonderfully - it was great with dinner :)
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Real Home Cooking
So my 2013 resolution was to eat what I cook - this means no more prepackaged food, no more shortcuts, no more takeout (unless I'm going out to lunch with friends, of course) and no more homemade dips/spreads etc.
What have I learned so far? This is a LOT cheaper than buying food - for example: I can get a dish of hummus for 1.99 - I can make hummus for .99 cents...saving me a dollar. I can make bread for a dollar a loaf (approximately) instead of it being on sale for 2.99. I can make a HUGE pot of soup for under $10 (and it lasts almost a week). I buy cooking oats instead of oatmeal, and am drinking a lot of water because I can't make diet pepsi :(.
Fact is, I've saved a LOT of money so far and I've also realized that I'm not using as much waste product. A package of cookies, a jar of this and that adds up over time - and I do feel strongly about reducing my carbon footprint.
Now, I'm starting to learn how to make foods that I like and eat in my diet often - yogurt, salsa and bread. I can make bread but it's a little difficult for me. So far, I've had a 60/40 turn out and I'm reading and re-reading directions. I can't wait until I can just whip the stuff up and throw it in!! I'm going to try making yogurt tonight because I miss it.
I've also discovered that eating more "basic" foods have allowed me to sleep better (I'm getting 8 hours a night!) and concentrate more. I'm less exhausted all the time and have lost about 3 pounds. That being said, I refuse to worry about weight loss and have found other things to focus on - I'm out running 5x/week (today being my day off). I have a TON of energy! I am becoming more positive as a person - especially with the volunteer work that I'm doing!
So I challenge everyone - Try cooking your own food for a day - no packaged stuff. Try it out and see what you think! Do it for 3 days - then try a week if you can! It's definitely worth it! :)
Cheers~
What have I learned so far? This is a LOT cheaper than buying food - for example: I can get a dish of hummus for 1.99 - I can make hummus for .99 cents...saving me a dollar. I can make bread for a dollar a loaf (approximately) instead of it being on sale for 2.99. I can make a HUGE pot of soup for under $10 (and it lasts almost a week). I buy cooking oats instead of oatmeal, and am drinking a lot of water because I can't make diet pepsi :(.
Fact is, I've saved a LOT of money so far and I've also realized that I'm not using as much waste product. A package of cookies, a jar of this and that adds up over time - and I do feel strongly about reducing my carbon footprint.
Now, I'm starting to learn how to make foods that I like and eat in my diet often - yogurt, salsa and bread. I can make bread but it's a little difficult for me. So far, I've had a 60/40 turn out and I'm reading and re-reading directions. I can't wait until I can just whip the stuff up and throw it in!! I'm going to try making yogurt tonight because I miss it.
I've also discovered that eating more "basic" foods have allowed me to sleep better (I'm getting 8 hours a night!) and concentrate more. I'm less exhausted all the time and have lost about 3 pounds. That being said, I refuse to worry about weight loss and have found other things to focus on - I'm out running 5x/week (today being my day off). I have a TON of energy! I am becoming more positive as a person - especially with the volunteer work that I'm doing!
So I challenge everyone - Try cooking your own food for a day - no packaged stuff. Try it out and see what you think! Do it for 3 days - then try a week if you can! It's definitely worth it! :)
Cheers~
Monday, January 7, 2013
healthy vs skinny
I have come to the conclusion that I have had a lot of body image problems in the past. I used extremely unhealthy measures for the sake of losing weight and was downright miserable - I laughed, smiled, had fun...but my throat was constantly sore from throwing up, my body hurt all the time, I had headaches...and I still have damage in my foot from running too much and not eating enough (or at all some days).
I am trying to lose a few pounds again as I'm running again even with some foot pain (provided it's not too bad or starts bruising again) - but I caught myself weighing myself 2 days in a row...and realized a few things about me. I like myself. I would never tell one of my friends they were fat nor would I care to judge them based on their weigh! So why do I do it to myself? (I did have my friend Dana ask me to inspect her groceries but I was extremely proud of her mostly healthy basket of food - way more varied lunches than her first year :) I would never ask someone to hurt themselves to lose weight - so why did I do it to myself?
I may never be totally happy with my body but I will not hurt myself to make myself smaller. I will not try to lose weight just to fit into a smaller jean size. I refuse to judge myself based on someone's warped view of dress size or pretty or anything else...I want to run. I want to enjoy my life...but I want to have a life that doesn't centre around food.
So here's to a healthy image - to all those trying to lose weight in the new year, keep it up and do it healthily. Make sustainable changes and exercise! Stop doing those bad habit things and grow as a person.
Goose Fraba!
I am trying to lose a few pounds again as I'm running again even with some foot pain (provided it's not too bad or starts bruising again) - but I caught myself weighing myself 2 days in a row...and realized a few things about me. I like myself. I would never tell one of my friends they were fat nor would I care to judge them based on their weigh! So why do I do it to myself? (I did have my friend Dana ask me to inspect her groceries but I was extremely proud of her mostly healthy basket of food - way more varied lunches than her first year :) I would never ask someone to hurt themselves to lose weight - so why did I do it to myself?
I may never be totally happy with my body but I will not hurt myself to make myself smaller. I will not try to lose weight just to fit into a smaller jean size. I refuse to judge myself based on someone's warped view of dress size or pretty or anything else...I want to run. I want to enjoy my life...but I want to have a life that doesn't centre around food.
So here's to a healthy image - to all those trying to lose weight in the new year, keep it up and do it healthily. Make sustainable changes and exercise! Stop doing those bad habit things and grow as a person.
Goose Fraba!
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