Thursday, February 23, 2012

my perfect response

I really am too honest for my own good:

Boy - BTW- bad news about the weekend- I am seeing someone so no hanky-panky avec moi. Still drink, though?

Sam- hmm...nah lol. (Really, what else did you expect from me?) I could pretend and say 'drinking + myself = mischief....but really I think it's because we just have more fun naked. Thanks anyways!


**For the record, not everything you read on this blog is true.

I need to be a politician

In all sincere honestly, I think I need to run for politics (Just not stupid - I mean - student politics because the elections are far too easy to cheat in).

Here are my top 10 reasons why:

1) I believe that everyone deserves to be heard...even if they are dumb - People elected me, therefore, they deserve to be heard. If they're not, I'm not doing my job correctly. I would suggest a certain Tim Horton's and we could sit down and chat.

2) I won't lie in elections- How many scandals do you hear of during the election campaign? That won't happen with me because I'll own it - "Yes, I did have sex with that woman and it was great!" "Of course I smoked pot in university...and I decided it hurt my lungs too much so I developed a new form of cookie." "Yes I got drunk. I didn't drive and I didn't have to work the next day. Honestly, you'll probably like me more after a few gin and club soda's."

3) I don't need to badmouth people- Look, if I wanted to sling shit, I'd work on a farm and manure the fields. They can badmouth and I'll probably say most of it's true...

4) I'm not afraid of being disliked- I don't feel the need to be liked or even respected...respect is earned and being liked...well, that happens sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. I'm a believer in sticking up for people, especially people with less of a voice that tend to be oppressed therefore, I'm used to not being liked.

5) I refuse to show off my tits- Hint hint...anyone who knows the story behind THIS is probably still attempting to withhold motorboating because they are rightthere-inyourface-can'tmissthem-holycrap-please get dressed properly and seriously, your mother let you out like that?...I can see your friggin'...nevermind.

6) I hate politics- I say it like it is, don't want to get caught up in drama and don't mind being blunt. Don't twist your knickers and lose a testicle - seriously, I'll own them by the time we're done talking anyways.

7) I have been married, divorced, educated and in blue collar work- I didn't feel the need to jump into university so I've been a waitress. Here's a thought: you can tell a person's character by how he treats his waitress - if he's a jerk to her, he should be taken out back and thrown in the dumpster. They don't get paid enough for manure.

8) I like the media- I really do like the spotlight and have no problems saying "yep, I messed up and here's how I'm planning to fix it." I would rather say "I am amazing and the temple in my honour should go a little more to the left..." but unfortunately, the opportunity to build the Shrine of Sammy has not yet happened at UNBSJ...yet!

9) I won't get caught in a sex scandal - Mostly because I'll just say "yep, did him, her...not sure about that one...I was drunk"...okay, just kidding. I won't get caught in a sex scandal because I'm not a scandalous person (anymore). I'm not pulling a Tiger or a Clinton because I don't like cheating on one's wife or husband (Ladies, your men are safe...men, your ladies are also safe...)

10) Because I want to prove Harper is not human and is, in fact, a Harper-bot- My intentions would be to walk up, kick him in the balls and when he doesn't writhe in pain like a normal man, take that as proof in front of the camera that yes, he is indeed, a non-human android attempting to take over politics for the Toyota company...

Vote Sam!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Peeing

My favorite moments go like this:

Sam: I don't get it. I just don't get it. I hate this. This is stupid. SHE'S STUPID!

Anthony: What's stupid?

Sam:
I have to pee.

Anthony: Thanks for sharing - do you also need to poop?

Sam: (insert bad word that I can't say because my mom reads this blog) you

*gets up, goes to bathroom and pees (time lapses) goes back to office*

Sam: Anthony, I figured it out...I was peeing and I realized (insert realization here).


That's right...I am Einstein as I pee. Dear Doc F., please let me write next exam with a jug of water and on a toilet. Sincerely, Sam.

PS: I wonder if I could get a medical excuse for bladder-brain syndrome - I've heard of water on the brain but this is just outtasight!

Human sexuality part 2

Have you ever looked at a penis and thought, "OMG, there's something wrong with that thing?" As I'm staring at a picture of 'mild hypospadias' (an abnormal location of the urethral meatus [hehe...meat] on the underside of the glans), I'm beginning to realize, we are some messed up creatures.

I am glad I'm kinda normal...but I'm still convinced if I squeeze hard enough a mini-testicle might pop out. Last time I tried though, I popped a blood vessel in my eye.

Abortion debate

I have a problem with both pro-choice and pro-life groups when it comes to abortion. Here it is - people will still get abortions legally or illegally, right? So make it legal (not out of taxpayers money) and give people the right to choose their own decisions and their own paths.

Pro-choice groups tend to say "it's my right" or "you're not a feminist if you don't agree"...you know what, I'm a feminist but I don't think I could ever have an abortion. Do I think it should be illegal - no. Do I support someone who decides that's what they're going to do - I don't agree with it but I'll still love the person. It's a really grey area and it truly depends on my relationship with the person - but making this illegal leaves some women to turn to coat-hangers. Yeah, that sounds sarcastic but it's not. It's a terrible, back ally fake-medical scary reality.

Pro-life groups tend to tick me off more. Look, I get the idea that you think it's a baby - so do some people who HAD an abortion. Guilt is NOT the way make people rethink their decision (partly because that child is already dead in their minds) - neither is telling a tragic story in front of Tim Horton's. There's something called therapy - do it. If I need to hear stories, I'll go to the internet or better yet, I'll go ask. I don't want to hear about abortion as I talk to my friends about schoolwork and attempting to get my coffee. Thanks but no thanks.

I support the right to freedom of speech but I also support "Sam wants her friggin' coffee sans dead baby". There's this place called a classroom - if people want to go, they will. If they don't want to hear it, they won't.

For me, I've made my decision personally and I CHOOSE to be pro-choice because I made a choice. If you make something pro-life or whatever you call it, you're letting an outside medical facility decide your own body. Is that a little creepy to you? What about if someone goes in for drug treatment? -I'm anti-drug so they're on their own...ooh, or blood transfusions -there's religions that are against that...and oral sex...so no more of that (for the record, to all you women who have ever given a blow job - you potentially swallowed the next Prime Minister and as that man is currently Stephen Harper - you did the world a favour). And birth control - nope, can't have any of that either.

How about breathing tubes or life-saving measures? Realistically, there are religious views that are against those to? Look, for me it is (in part) a religious belief. I believe a fetus is a baby and by the time I would realize I was pregnant, it's a baby. Thing is, maybe we should offer sound medical advice (by actual medical professionals - not anyone who gets on the Planned Parenthood or Pro-Life hotlines) and tell people their REAL options...with REAL side effects and real decisions that will have to be made.

It's not about scenario - you can't say "well, you've been raped so it's okay to have an abortion"...people lie. You can't say "well, the condom broke for you so you can have one..." again, people lie. Make a personal decision and quit making other people feel bad...or nauseous as they attempt to get their coffee.

Yes, I'm being crass and I may not be making much sense. I'll go through this later and attempt to make more but this is a very personal issue and I just don't agree with a Tim Horton's area being the best place to hold an anti-abortion chat.