Wednesday, February 1, 2012

*sigh* men

It seems like every emotion in me is going a little haywire - just confused, not in control and I absolutely loathe not having control.

I did a test worth yesterday and a person who wasn't supposed to be there, was. This is an intentionally vague statement due to conflicts and concerns regarding both our professionalism.

I'm still absolutely furious and I can't get over it yet. I apologized for not giving him a chance to explain and jumping to being a 'bitch' but just because I handed it wrong, doesn't mean I'm okay with what happened. I'm hurt and angry and frankly, I felt violated and trapped. I can't 'not' be angry right now but ever fiber of my being says 'get over it' because that's what I always do. Someone hurts me and I let it go. Problem: you don't mess with my GPA. I have sacrificed feeling human at times for those 2 numbers, so I'm not 'getting over it' right away.

Second thing: I let my heart get more involved than I'm comfortable with and now I want to run.
I know what it's like to experience the worst heartbreak in the world; it's the heartbreak where life stops and the person that was your life, your world - isn't there anymore. It's the heartbreak where you lose yourself completely anyway you can - sleep, not eating, running, drinking, smoking, as long as it doesn't hurt anymore.

I'm definitely not there as far as that level of caring but the fact that I do care scares me. I have trained myself to associate caring with getting hurt and getting hurt is miserable. I go back to 'that' level of's never going to be that bad again but it's the only real heartbreak I've experienced.

I have this really good 'confident, brave, sarcastic, witty, bitch' thing going for me and while it's all 'me', I don't like the idea of being 'let go' just because my age is wrong. Yeah, that's a good feeling. I'm sorry, what the hell am I supposed to do about my age?

Funny thing is, I've done more in my 25 years than most people do in their lifetime. I'm okay with my age - unfortunately, apparently some people aren't.

I still believe I'll find someone to settle down with someday, someone who'll wake me up with coffee and send flowers to my office after I win a big case. I'm just worried that I'm going to wake up one morning and realize he's already passed me and I was too busy with my coat of the season.

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