Who Needs Enemies?

To say I haven't been thinking straight is an understatement - I haven't been thinking at all lately.  Last night was just a low point and so I called a friend - I just wanted someone there to talk to and keep me from crying.  

Unfortunately, this friend was my ex-boyfriend and he was unavailable so I said I had a backup - not thinking anything of it (again, not thinking at all).  We've been apart for about two months now(ish) and I figured he had moved on...apparently not.

 He got upset and I tried to explain that I was just tired and scared and needed someone there (and apologized for forgetting that it's all about him). 

I get the third degree about why I waited to text (it was 11pm - not late by university standards and I was running).  Then I got a text saying: "Maybe we just shouldn't be friends"...that was a cheap shot to say the least.After I got over the initial "You're a jerk" feeling, I got angry. 

Part of this was lack of sleep, part of it is stress, part of it is justified.  My response was "wow...That's just so unbelievably hurtful and selfish and cruel". He was sorry that I was curling up with someone else (Which btw, I use curling up for guys and girls...and treat them approximately the same way).

Anyways, I MAY have overreacted here and called him a selfish little boy...and then said "No wonder you are alone - no job, weight loss, or anything [you do] will ever combat that petty pathetic, immature, attitude and btw, he [friend] came over for a movie and left.  Worst thing he did was give me a hug when I cried"...and said "I wish I had never dated you."   Yep, I went for the kill shot.  
 
Looking back on it, I went too far.  I became cruel and angry, two characteristics that I try to keep to a minimum.  I was upset with him and I lashed out instead of holding back and waiting for him to settle down.  Was I justified in being angry? Definitely.  I didn't need the third degree nor did I need his stupid "feel bad for me" attitude.

If he didn't want to be friends, a phone call could help.  Or perhaps, I dunno - not saying it until AFTER he knew my grandfather was better.  Honestly, with friends like that who needs enemies? 

So now what? I said I'd call when I was free and we'd sort this out.  At very least, I want him to know I am not impressed and he doesn't get to pull melodramatic crap when he's upset.  Sometimes he needs to think about other people and not be a jerk.  And sometimes, he needs to just call instead of text.  

Honestly, he's 28 years old.  It's time to stop making people feel bad because he's upset.  So as I sit here thinking "This was a stupid argument but it happens all the time", I'll talk to him rationally tonight and probably tell him he's right because I don't need this sort of drama in my life.   

      
   

Fear of the Unknown

As I sit here writing, I don't even really know where to begin.  Gramp is doing well but he has two high-risk blockages in the back of his heart.  He keeps saying he's ready to go to the Lord if it's his time - but I'm being selfish and really don't want it to be his time.   

Grampy has always been actively involved in my life - part of that is because I lived with them before Mom got married.  I called every single evening for years just before bed to say goodnight.  Part of it's because I have always respected him (even in my terrible teenage years).  Mam and Bamp have always loved me unconditionally and I knew that.  They are my role models on how to live life (I've got that one down), how to show unconditional love (I'm learning) and how to have a great marriage (failed epically the first time but I'll get there someday). 

 They truly are the most amazing people I have ever met so to think of imagining my life without either of them - okay I just choked up again.  I've been unbelievably blessed to have them in my life for 26 years so how do I even begin to see my life without one of them?  

Back to positive thinking - if the stress test goes well and he passes it, he'll be okay and not need the surgery.  That's what I'm hoping and praying for right now.  I've got to keep thinking about the good things and keep doing whatever I can to help out.  I just need to keep busy and stop tearing up all the time.  I'm doing everything I can and I'll continue to do that.  Thankfully, this blog tends to keep me grounded.  I can look at my writing and figure out the voice in my head that keeps repeating: 

 "Sam, you're scared, terrified even.  Your grandparents have always been there and you're not ready to not have them there.  That being said, the doctors are amazing, gramp is strong, and he is calm about this.  Chances are, he will be okay and no, that doesn't make you feel better but you need to keep studying (even if you aren't going to class at the moment) and you need to pray things will work out.  Keep eating healthy, go for a run, take Gramp a salad tomorrow and a Tim's coffee.  You need to do your homework and go to class if you can - whatever happens, he's okay with it...You're not.  You can't change the outcome though and if you're stressed, you're not able to help as much as you would like.  Stay positive and don't let yourself get mired in despair."

Sometimes I give myself good advice.  Please continue to keep my family in your thoughts and prayers - I don't usually talk about religion on my blog but this is more important to me than a lighthearted laugh.  

Sincerely, 

Sammy  

Stress, running and penguins

 I started writing a blog earlier this afternoon about stress - and couldn't think of anything to put on paper.  Stress affects me physically - migraines, tension in my neck, stomach aches, throwing up, my digestive system goes completely out of order...I'm starving but I can't force myself to eat. I forget to drink water...combine that with allergies and gluten intolerance - not a fun time. This is my first time in a high stress situation and I can't turn to pizza or Oreos.  

So I did what every gluten, dairy free foodie does - I made coconut milk cocoa  ice cream...and then I ate it.  All of it.  It was good.  I hadn't really eaten much the past two days so my sugars and energy have plummeted.  Combine that with adding more miles to my workouts and more workouts throughout the week, this afternoon was a complete mess physically. The ice cream gave me a boost (it's made to be healthier but still isn't 'good' for me) but I was still just drained emotionally and physically.

I decided to go for a walk.  I didn't feel like it.  My tummy was upset.  I could wind up throwing up again.  My body hurts.  So what?  I recognized this as stress and told myself I was going...and so I did.  Even if it was just for 5 minutes, I was going for a walk.  The night was clear, the stars were twinkling and I could smell the beginning of spring in the air.

1 hour 17 minutes later, with a distance of 5.17 miles (4 miles per hour), burning 540 calories and over 8500 steps taken (If you have an Android, Cardio Trainer is an amazing free app), I was home again. 

During my walk, I did a long run - long enough to get in a runner's groove where it was just me and my thoughts.  I started thinking about stress.  I've been stressing because I want to be able to fix my grampy - I am a person who fixes things...but I can't.  While running, I accepted that my job, my way of fixing things is to be there for him, to provide him with company, to bring him his small, black coffee in a Roll Up the Rim to Win cup, to anticipate that his hospital food will suck and bring him fresh fruit and veggies.  I will continue to update the family on how he is doing and tomorrow, I will make sure he has a moment to speak with his wife (they won't give him a phone where he's on the cardiac floor).

I also realized that I need to accept that while I do have choices in my life, I seem to be set on a path for something.  After I left Justin, things started going well.  It wasn't anything I did though.  To be honest, I'm sort of surprised I'm not either dead or totally messed up from the summer I left him.  I did a lot of things to hurt myself thinking it would make me feel better.  It didn't - I was broken but I'm patched up now.  There's still scars and sometimes I need to reinforce a wound but I'm stronger now. 

There are things that happen in my life that could be chalked up to luck - someone calling when I need them the most, meeting Dana and being friends with her, falling for a friend I shouldn't have fallen for but realizing I can fall in love again (just not right now), learning to reach out to others when I need them, that person who reaches out at just the right time...little things that just happen every so often that make me step back and think that this is so far beyond my doing...My grandparents have always told me that I am on a path and I think they're right.  When I'm supposed to be doing something, doors open - kind of scarily easy.  When I'm not, well...everything goes wrong.  Call it fate, karma, kizmit, destiny...I call it a path.  I don't know why yet - but I have a feeling it has something to do with going up north.  We'll see.  It's starting with Guatemala though.  I have faith in this.

Finally, I realized that I needed to cry.  I needed to get it out of my system and just cry...so I did....as I was running.  I didn't realize I was actually crying at first but I did.  I cried because I was scared I would lose my grampy, I cried because I was tired of being scared and stressed, I cried because I knew I could handle this and finally, I felt centered again.  My stomach stopped hurting, my brain stopped randomly going through thoughts - I just felt better.

So Blog-World, I don't recommend running to everyone but when you're stressed, do something healthy for you.  Go for a walk, step outside and look at the sky for awhile...I am only one person.  I can make a difference, I can change the world - but I can't do that if my entire being is focused on my worry.

Take care everyone - tomorrows blog is about the goodness of people :D 

PS: I'm sorry to inform you that there actually is no penguins in this blog.  Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Tears, cheers, highs and lows

Today has been a day I'll never forget in so many ways.  I don't really know how to start this blog because it's been so weird - the best and worst of days mixed all together.  So here goes in point form:

1) My grampy was flown from Grand Manan today with chest pains.  He's already had one heart attack and stroke so this brought back a lot of fear and anxiety.  I've been trying to remain positive but when I get scared, I just start focusing on the worst, the "what ifs?"  To say I'm terrified is an understatement but I refuse to dwell on the scary. I'm trying to remain positive and just remember that I have a very blessed family.

I looked down at my phone by accident - I never have it out in class - and saw it was ringing on a break.  I answered it (I promised to be available to a cousin who was in the hospital if she needed me) and mom had called to tell me about Bamp.  I had the time to get him some groceries (and a balloon...and a plant...).  D.M (one of my best friends ever - we fight like sisters so she's family) is in the class with me and left too with almost no explanation as to what was happening.  It could have been so much worse but thank goodness for friends and family.  Mom, Dad, Mam, Aunty and Uncle all came up to see him - it was good to see the family come together for him.

2) I have been given the honour of being given a Grad Class Leadership Award.  This is the 8th year for it and it's amazing.  I teared up hearing it because this university has been my home - sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it but I always feel like I'm home.  It's a pretty nice feeling. 

3) Gordon Ramsay retweeted me and followed me on Twitter! That was pretty amazing!!!

4)  My favorite part of the day was that the invitation included this:  

 

"This event is also an opportunity for you to thank a member of the university community who has made a significant impact on your time at UNB Saint John. It could be a faculty member, academic adviser, mentor or coach. This individual will be invited to the dinner, join you at your  table, and share in your accomplishments. Please forward the name of your campus guest to me as soon as possible so they can be invited well in advance of the event"

 I was so happy to see this because there has been one prof in particular who really impacted me in my first year and has always been there for me since.  So I asked her to come and she was honoured to accept.  In my first year of school, I felt like an absolute idiot.  In my first term, I was actually scared that someone was going to walk up to me and tell me I was a mistake, I wasn't really supposed to be there.  I did a lot of things that should have made me fail because I expected the worst.  This prof had faith in me and told me I was smart.  She is an absolute spitfire and made me want to learn about social issues so I could make a difference in the world someday.  Whenever I didn't have faith in myself, I knew there was someone else who had faith in me, who made me feel passionate about social inequality and in doing that, I was able to look past my own issues (and there were a LOT of them) to help other people.  Over time, my issues weren't as scary...I had self-confidence again. 

So if anyone reads this, send a quick prayer for my Grandfather.  He's always put other people ahead of himself - even in the hospital, he was asking mam to find a Bible for someone who had asked for one.  Even when I was an absolute bratty teen, I admired and respected him...and I still do.  He's always shown me unconditional love - and he's my grampy.  

Goodnight all!  

 

I don't deal with whiners

Whining is something that I can't handle.  If you're upset with something, fix it.  Do something about it.  Whining seems like a cop-out - it's a way to be lazy and not actually deal with the issue.  Yes, I understand being overwhelmed, annoyed, angry etc - but whining is just complaining.  Thought: stop being part of the problem and help fix it.

I recently dated a guy whose major flaw was whining.  He was in debt - do something about it, don't just complain or worse, ignore the problem and then complain when it got really bad.  He was depressed - how about eating healthy? setting a schedule for yourself? exercise? or if necessary, go to the doctor and get some anti-depressants (I will always advocate these as a last resort option but still an option if necessary).  He hated his job - find another one. 

It was constant and it became really boring.  It was the sort of stagnant relationship that I am completely against.  It wasted my time, sucked the energy out of me and left us watching a lot of movies.  No thanks.

Whining seems to correlate with a lack of ambition which is also frustrating.  I'm working and going to school and writing a freakin' amazing blog so I'm a huge believer in ambition.  I have a huge problem with people who live in a pipe dream.  Yes, some dreams are unachievable - I want a pet dragon...probably not going to happen.  That being said, I also want to get to Guatemala - so I'm putting money away.  I want to finish school so I study.  I want to get in shape so I'm eating healthy and exercising...well, I'm eating healthy - I'm busy!   I don't want to date a guy exactly like me - but I like people who have plans, determination, desire and productivity!  Excuses, complaints, and whining just doesn't cut it for me. 

So I'm single again and actually LOVING it! I'm free to do what I want, I'm focusing more on myself and loving my life! I'm not stressing over other people's issues and I'm happy about that.  Maybe the lesson in this blog is date someone similar to yourself and dump them if you find your soul being sucked out through your nose.  A new relationship shouldn't be stressful...it should be the really fun time - give it at least four months before they start complaining and showing major character flaws (or issues).  Maybe I should just stay single.