Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Ways to respond to I love you

I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend today, when he said "I'll see you later, hun" or something like that...I heard (the most dreaded sentence ever) "I love you, hun."  Seriously? Already? Ew! No.

My (eloquent and professional as ever response) was..."Get the *$% out of my house."  Classy, right?  The sheer desire to vomit on his shoes was overwhelming...yet, as I laugh over the miscommunication, I wonder if there are other ways to handle the "I love you/I don't love you back" situation.

So, in tribute to my toots, ten responses to "I love you"

1) What was that? No sorry, still can't hear...oh look the circus - Pretend you can't hear them and distract.  It can be anything - guys are relatively simple.  "Oh look, beer" or "Oh look, a short skirt" or even "Oh look, Justin Beiber"...doesn't matter...just use it.

2)  Right back atcha... The point of this is to avoid saying anything...it can be followed by buddy, chum, pal, friend...a gentle punch to the shoulder and laugh it off...he did mean it like a friend, right?

3) Throw up -- This is not recommended as it hurts and you know, someone's gotta clean it up...but it get's the point across.

4) That's nice - This one isn't friendly...it's a little cold.  But sometimes it's a good thing to be an ice queen.

5) No you don't -- Make sure they understand they don't really love you...it's the booze, bad chicken, dopamine, hormones, really good sex...repeat several times with a shiny watch in front of their eyes if necessary (use an Austrian accent for brownie points).

6) I love you too -- I'd try the other nine responses (except for maybe 3) but if you really feel that way...Say it.  If you don't and feel like lying...grow a vagina (balls are weak and lady parts can handle childbirth -- why do we said grow some balls again?) and smarten up.  Just don't lie.

7) We need to talk -- This is generally followed by a lengthy explanation, preferably with beer...or scotch...or tequila.  It doesn't need to be the talk...but talk.

8) Let's get married...and have kids.  C'mon...lets go get started.  I'll go off the pill rightnow! LET ME CALL MY MOM (insert sobs of joy here). Now...if you want to NEVER AGAIN EVER hear "I love you..." this may be the way to go.  Overreact to a point of crazy...think "mental institution" crazy...Start humming "here comes the bride" and ask him to swoop you over the doorways...he'll never. ever. ever. say it again (did I mention ever?).

9) Thank you My mother and I are at odds about whether this is a good one to use.  I say it's at least an acknowledgment...she says it's not the right thing to say...I say it' s better than throwing up on his shoes....

10) Get the ^&*( out of my house - It worked for me :)

What can I say? I'm slightly jaded at the ripe old age of between 25-27.  


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