Looking back on last night, I've realized that I'm still a little messed up. I feel great today to be honest as if nothing happened. I don't feel panicky or scared or anything - I feel strong, in control and confident. Why? I haven't eaten anything today and am back on the liquid diet.
Thankfully, I've realized a few things. When I left Justin, I felt totally out of control...the same way I felt when I was 16 and first started throwing up my meals. Everything was just crazy, my life was crazy...I had no idea what I was going to do...pretty much like how I feel right now. This is the first time since I left Justin that I won't be a 'student', a primary role in my life. I'm constantly reminded that I'm smart, I have a schedule, I get away with a LOT because...well, I'm a student. Now I have to be the grown up again...and I'll be doing it alone. This will be the first time I will be living on my own and that's scary....
So instead of just accepting that I'm scared...I restrict my food intake and I throw up if I lose control. And right now, I'm just going to handle it...try not to throw up, stay on my 10 day fast because, let's be honest, I'm a mess at the moment...and I'll deal with it after exams are over.
For the record, THIS ISN'T HEALTHY! If I could go back to being 16-year old me, I'd say "don't start" but knowing me, I wouldn't listen to myself...
So the good news is, I know this sucks - I know it's unhealthy and I know I need to work on it. The bad news is, I'm waiting to deal with it. Until then, you're stuck reading about a blogger with food issues (and yet, cannot get thin!).
~Deal with it~ <3
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Panic and Puking
As my blog title says, I've had a wicked time lately with food. Today I ate a scary amount of food for me:
Breakfast - watermelon - 125 calories
eggs - 60 calories
sourkrout - 10 calories
Total - 195
Dinner
1 Banana 120 calories
1 Pear 103 calories
1 Luna bar 230
Total 453 + 195 = 648
Supper
(total binge = scary)
eggs = 90
Tomato = 35
Cuke = 10
Bread = 320
Chocolate = 240
Butter/Coconut Oil = 450 ( - no idea)
Potato x3 = 369
Salsa = 25
Seriously, WHAT was I thinking? I just ate and ate and ate...Total calories today 2817.
When I actually realized what I was doing, I ran downstairs and just started throwing up - great - because that makes the day SO much better.
Okay...I slightly lost my cool for a bit - I was/am a mess in part because I broke so far away from my diet for foods that I don't even WANT and I panicked so I threw it up. Okay, new plan...stop screwing up. Or better yet, start addressing the fact that I'm terrified about being a graduate and feeling out of control and scared and this makes me feel like I'm in control...
Exercise + daily loss.
-1200 calories (daily loss)
-515 calories (walk/run late at night out of panic)
-300 calories (work/walking)
Total burned - 2015
Total for the day +802.
F.M.L.
I'm starting the mastercleanse again tomorrow...I really can't handle freaking out this badly at the moment...I hate hate hate making myself throw up...it's gross and yucky...and just...blah.
Anyways, tomorrow (or technically today) is a new day...start healthy, positive and start over.
Breakfast - watermelon - 125 calories
eggs - 60 calories
sourkrout - 10 calories
Total - 195
Dinner
1 Banana 120 calories
1 Pear 103 calories
1 Luna bar 230
Total 453 + 195 = 648
Supper
(total binge = scary)
eggs = 90
Tomato = 35
Cuke = 10
Bread = 320
Chocolate = 240
Butter/Coconut Oil = 450 ( - no idea)
Potato x3 = 369
Salsa = 25
Seriously, WHAT was I thinking? I just ate and ate and ate...Total calories today 2817.
When I actually realized what I was doing, I ran downstairs and just started throwing up - great - because that makes the day SO much better.
Okay...I slightly lost my cool for a bit - I was/am a mess in part because I broke so far away from my diet for foods that I don't even WANT and I panicked so I threw it up. Okay, new plan...stop screwing up. Or better yet, start addressing the fact that I'm terrified about being a graduate and feeling out of control and scared and this makes me feel like I'm in control...
Exercise + daily loss.
-1200 calories (daily loss)
-515 calories (walk/run late at night out of panic)
-300 calories (work/walking)
Total burned - 2015
Total for the day +802.
F.M.L.
I'm starting the mastercleanse again tomorrow...I really can't handle freaking out this badly at the moment...I hate hate hate making myself throw up...it's gross and yucky...and just...blah.
Anyways, tomorrow (or technically today) is a new day...start healthy, positive and start over.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Food Phobias
I had someone at work tell me they wished they could eat like I do when I said I was having a hard time eating lately. I realized I was getting about 400 calories/day for the last week and running about 4-5 miles 5x/week. She called it willpower or something - I panicked a little.
Here's what goes on in my mind:
"I'm hungry...really? Are you sure you're hungry? Maybe you just want some water or coffee - try that first" So I get some water or coffee.
"I'd still like something to eat - okay what did I eat today? I had a protein shake for breakfast - that's...118 +35 calories...did I measure that right? I'll add 10 more calories to be sure - 163 calories. Okay...so I can eat something..." (Heads to grocery store to find something.)
"I can eat veggies...they're safe...okay, this one has 35 calories per 3/4 cup...this one has 30...I'll go with the 30 calorie option. What about something to go with it - Garlic and dill are safe, salsa, sourkrout in moderation...fish? 100 calories per 80g...no, that's a lot. What about sushi - no that takes rice...I'll pass. What about bananas? No - they're 80-120 calories per banana...Almond milk...that's 40 calories - is there any of the 35 calorie stuff? No...Okay...40 will do - I'll just drink less. OOH vegan cheese - that's 65 calories per 30g. How many servings is in a block? 7.5 - okay 8...umm...can I cut that in half again? What if I binge? I'll pass"
Every. single. meal.
I KNOW it's unhealthy to think of food as safe/unsafe - especially veggies and fruit...but it's what I do. I don't know when it started or why I do it. I don't know why I can't seem to stop...I know it's not healthy but I do it.
I'm getting better at eating more - that's a start
Today was a vegan protein shake for breakfast (165 calories)
Supper was:
Veggies - 90 calories
Garlic and Dill (fresh) 10 calories
Salsa - 30 calories
Sourkrout - 10 calories
Tomato - 20 calories
Mushroom - 5 calories
Watermelon - 90 calories
(255)
Today today - 420.
Okay - so I suck at this. I'll grab another protein shake after my run tonight...that sounds like a good start. Tomorrow, I attempt to eat three more balanced meals. This whole eating healthy thing is harder than it looks - only for me it's not because I eat too much...urgh!
Here's what goes on in my mind:
"I'm hungry...really? Are you sure you're hungry? Maybe you just want some water or coffee - try that first" So I get some water or coffee.
"I'd still like something to eat - okay what did I eat today? I had a protein shake for breakfast - that's...118 +35 calories...did I measure that right? I'll add 10 more calories to be sure - 163 calories. Okay...so I can eat something..." (Heads to grocery store to find something.)
"I can eat veggies...they're safe...okay, this one has 35 calories per 3/4 cup...this one has 30...I'll go with the 30 calorie option. What about something to go with it - Garlic and dill are safe, salsa, sourkrout in moderation...fish? 100 calories per 80g...no, that's a lot. What about sushi - no that takes rice...I'll pass. What about bananas? No - they're 80-120 calories per banana...Almond milk...that's 40 calories - is there any of the 35 calorie stuff? No...Okay...40 will do - I'll just drink less. OOH vegan cheese - that's 65 calories per 30g. How many servings is in a block? 7.5 - okay 8...umm...can I cut that in half again? What if I binge? I'll pass"
Every. single. meal.
I KNOW it's unhealthy to think of food as safe/unsafe - especially veggies and fruit...but it's what I do. I don't know when it started or why I do it. I don't know why I can't seem to stop...I know it's not healthy but I do it.
I'm getting better at eating more - that's a start
Today was a vegan protein shake for breakfast (165 calories)
Supper was:
Veggies - 90 calories
Garlic and Dill (fresh) 10 calories
Salsa - 30 calories
Sourkrout - 10 calories
Tomato - 20 calories
Mushroom - 5 calories
Watermelon - 90 calories
(255)
Today today - 420.
Okay - so I suck at this. I'll grab another protein shake after my run tonight...that sounds like a good start. Tomorrow, I attempt to eat three more balanced meals. This whole eating healthy thing is harder than it looks - only for me it's not because I eat too much...urgh!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
New Scale = New Weight
So, I broke down and bought a scale tonight (measuring it against my old scale which is 5lbs heavier than what it should be). The other bonus is that this scale is apparently very accurate which is nice - and it measures by the 10th of a lb so I can see mini differences. Turns out that what I thought I weighed was actually off by about 6lbs. I'm pretty happy about that!
Realistically, I should be thrilled about the weight loss. Lately, I've just been grumpy. After this event, I'm going to start eating right and exercising properly with less worry. I would like to up my goal weight to my birthday - I know that's weird but I'd like to enjoy a happy healthy birthday (with no cake because yes, I'm allergic).
So wish me luck and I'll keep writing. Hopefully this time I can actually keep the weight off and lose it healthily! Fingers crossed for goals!
-Sammy
Running Pros and Cons
So you want to take up running? Good for you...now run away!
Just kidding!
Below is a list of things I've experienced because of running..the good, the bad and the ugly.
The Good
Weight Loss and Toning Up - always a bonus when you're ass is perkier than a Kardashian and your arms don't threaten to catch the breeze and fly you away.
You're a runner now - You're in that elite group of people who sail down the sidewalk and make other people jealous (or assume you're batcrap crazy).
You'll meet new people - Runners are a friendly bunch...they like to talk about running, help others out and dish about the latest shoes, technology, magazine etc. Listen and learn, young doodlebug.
You get to eat...a LOT! I have never eaten more than when I'm running. Protein shakes, eggs, pasta, more pasta...carbs and protein are your friend. Love them.
You will feel better - Two words: Runners High. It's like drugs only better.
Stress relief - If you're not having regular sex, running is the next best thing. This just makes me seem sad. Running releases a bunch of brain chemicals that just feels good. Try it. You'll like it.
The Bad
Overtraining, pain, more pain - Show me a runner who isn't sore and I'll show you a walker. You'll be pushing yourself if new...and there will be some (mild) pain. If it really hurts, don't push it...but your muscles will feel used. Overtraining just sucks - you think you can do more, you do more and you hurt yourself...do more...only slowly.
Shoes = money - Running is pretty cheap. You + pavement = running. Running shoes = not cheap. Expect to spend between 60-150 on shoes. Do NOT go cheap or your feet, legs, tooshie, hips, shoulders, neck...basically your entire body...will be angry.
Downers - These are people who see you feeling better, eating wiser, focusing on running and say "oh you're getting too skinny" or "Isn't that dangerous?" or some other stupid thing. The worst are the "outdoers". You ran 5miles...they did 6. You broke your personal best - they doubled it. They can't be happy for you mostly because they're miserable with themselves. Attempt to ignore them because they are just downers.
Food - You aren't eating the cake, the chips, the cookies or the pop because your body is training to run...you know it'll make you feel icky but that cake looks so good. Eat it...it kinda doesn't feel as good in your stomach anymore...try a dried apple snack.
Laundry - I sweat. A lot. I soak through my clothing, my hats, and usually get sweat burning in my eyes. My shoes are damp, I look like I peed myself...seriously, it's gross. I do laundry almost every day because stinky socks...not fun. Stinky socks, pants, shirt, and jacket is just rank!
The Ugly
Feet - Your feet will probably be gross. I just lost a toenail from a simple fall, bruise, and gone. There was some bleeding...it was gross. I also have callouses the size of small barnyard animals and dry skin all the time. Welcome to the world of running.
Throwing up - I am a pretty easy upchucker so some people don't have this problem. Running in the summer can lead to overheating which can easily lead to woofing ones cookies...in the street...during traffic. Yay. Such a sexy moment.
Dogs and other animals - I like my face. I'd like to keep it. Watch for dogs.
Feeling out of shape - If you make the mistake of judging yourself according to others, you're going to feel like the food you just threw up. Watch yourself...make your own goals...don't try to be like someone else otherwise, you'll just be let down.
Just kidding!
Below is a list of things I've experienced because of running..the good, the bad and the ugly.
The Good
Weight Loss and Toning Up - always a bonus when you're ass is perkier than a Kardashian and your arms don't threaten to catch the breeze and fly you away.
You're a runner now - You're in that elite group of people who sail down the sidewalk and make other people jealous (or assume you're batcrap crazy).
You'll meet new people - Runners are a friendly bunch...they like to talk about running, help others out and dish about the latest shoes, technology, magazine etc. Listen and learn, young doodlebug.
You get to eat...a LOT! I have never eaten more than when I'm running. Protein shakes, eggs, pasta, more pasta...carbs and protein are your friend. Love them.
You will feel better - Two words: Runners High. It's like drugs only better.
Stress relief - If you're not having regular sex, running is the next best thing. This just makes me seem sad. Running releases a bunch of brain chemicals that just feels good. Try it. You'll like it.
The Bad
Overtraining, pain, more pain - Show me a runner who isn't sore and I'll show you a walker. You'll be pushing yourself if new...and there will be some (mild) pain. If it really hurts, don't push it...but your muscles will feel used. Overtraining just sucks - you think you can do more, you do more and you hurt yourself...do more...only slowly.
Shoes = money - Running is pretty cheap. You + pavement = running. Running shoes = not cheap. Expect to spend between 60-150 on shoes. Do NOT go cheap or your feet, legs, tooshie, hips, shoulders, neck...basically your entire body...will be angry.
Downers - These are people who see you feeling better, eating wiser, focusing on running and say "oh you're getting too skinny" or "Isn't that dangerous?" or some other stupid thing. The worst are the "outdoers". You ran 5miles...they did 6. You broke your personal best - they doubled it. They can't be happy for you mostly because they're miserable with themselves. Attempt to ignore them because they are just downers.
Food - You aren't eating the cake, the chips, the cookies or the pop because your body is training to run...you know it'll make you feel icky but that cake looks so good. Eat it...it kinda doesn't feel as good in your stomach anymore...try a dried apple snack.
Laundry - I sweat. A lot. I soak through my clothing, my hats, and usually get sweat burning in my eyes. My shoes are damp, I look like I peed myself...seriously, it's gross. I do laundry almost every day because stinky socks...not fun. Stinky socks, pants, shirt, and jacket is just rank!
The Ugly
Feet - Your feet will probably be gross. I just lost a toenail from a simple fall, bruise, and gone. There was some bleeding...it was gross. I also have callouses the size of small barnyard animals and dry skin all the time. Welcome to the world of running.
Throwing up - I am a pretty easy upchucker so some people don't have this problem. Running in the summer can lead to overheating which can easily lead to woofing ones cookies...in the street...during traffic. Yay. Such a sexy moment.
Dogs and other animals - I like my face. I'd like to keep it. Watch for dogs.
Feeling out of shape - If you make the mistake of judging yourself according to others, you're going to feel like the food you just threw up. Watch yourself...make your own goals...don't try to be like someone else otherwise, you'll just be let down.
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