Food Phobias

I had someone at work tell me they wished they could eat like I do when I said I was having a hard time eating lately.  I realized I was getting about 400 calories/day for the last week and running about 4-5 miles 5x/week.  She called it willpower or something - I panicked a little.

Here's what goes on in my mind:

"I'm hungry...really? Are you sure you're hungry? Maybe you just want some water or coffee - try that first" So I get some water or coffee.

"I'd still like something to eat - okay what did I eat today?  I had a protein shake for breakfast - that's...118 +35 calories...did I measure that right?  I'll add 10 more calories to be sure - 163 calories.  Okay...so I can eat something..."  (Heads to grocery store to find something.)

"I can eat veggies...they're safe...okay, this one has 35 calories per 3/4 cup...this one has 30...I'll go with the 30 calorie option.  What about something to go with it - Garlic and dill are safe, salsa, sourkrout in moderation...fish? 100 calories per 80g...no, that's a lot.  What about sushi - no that takes rice...I'll pass.  What about bananas? No - they're 80-120 calories per banana...Almond milk...that's 40 calories - is there any of the 35 calorie stuff? No...Okay...40 will do - I'll just drink less. OOH vegan cheese - that's 65 calories per 30g.  How many servings is in a block? 7.5 - okay 8...umm...can I cut that in half again? What if I binge? I'll pass"

Every. single. meal.  

I KNOW it's unhealthy to think of food as safe/unsafe - especially veggies and fruit...but it's what I do.  I don't know when it started or why I do it.  I don't know why I can't seem to stop...I know it's not healthy but I do it.  

I'm getting better at eating more - that's a start

Today was a vegan protein shake for breakfast (165 calories)

Supper was:
Veggies - 90 calories
Garlic and Dill (fresh) 10 calories
Salsa - 30 calories
Sourkrout - 10 calories
Tomato - 20 calories
Mushroom - 5 calories     
Watermelon - 90 calories
          (255)

Today today -  420.

Okay - so I suck at this.  I'll grab another protein shake after my run tonight...that sounds like a good start.  Tomorrow, I attempt to eat three more balanced meals.  This whole eating healthy thing is harder than it looks - only for me it's not because I eat too much...urgh!