Four Words from a Past Memory

"How's your easter going"....That's the text I got from "1" this evening.  1 is the one guy I regret pushing away from me...and quite out of the blue I get this text.  Let's just say, more words and memories went through my head in a minute than the entire day.

If I could apologize for my words and actions, it would be the most heartfelt apology this ice queen could muster.  I'm sorry that I got scared.  I realized that I could in fact feel things for a guy again and I wanted that...but that scared me.  He broke down my 'ice queen' heart - the one that allowed me to hurt anyone, be careless with people's emotions, and walk away perfectly in control and unfeeling.  That was terrifying and admittedly, I handled it horribly.  I pulled away fast, I intentionally hurt him, I blamed him for my own fears, and didn't even realize I was doing it.

I'm sorry that I didn't realize it because I lost a pretty amazing friend...someone I could tell anything to and know it would stay hidden away.  I could get his advice on anything from my fashion choice to school.  And we had fun.

I sort of hope he still reads my blog because I miss him. 

Judging should be left to the professionals

Yesterday, I was called out on judging someone based on their past and other people's opinion's/ideas. While I would like to say this person was wrong, I can't. I ended up apologizing without actually knowing if they were or were not a good person.

I've been able to hide my youthful indiscretions better than the average university student and my reputation has come out rather unscathed. Admittedly, I have been lucky, not smart.

While I can't say I am fond of this new friend's past (let's call him X), the past should not be the only determining factor in learning about a person and calling them a friend. People can, and do, change and if my friends based their friendship with me on my past...I don't believe I'd have any friends left. I do realize that I could be totally off-base with my assessment of X and decide he's a jerk in the future, but I'm not usually that wrong about people.

I was recently judged based on my past behaviour, which admittedly deserved judgement but this time, I was left crying foul. While I could understand this person's (nickname: E) position, I felt it was unfair and that I have attempted to show that I have changed

I realized, because of my stupid decision, how much I could hurt people and so, I've attempted to change my attitude in many areas. My friendships are much more valuable now but also, my family relationships are the most important thing to me and I try not to take them for granted.

I realized that, while E may not be happy with this decision to hang out with X (confused yet?), she is looking at it from the perspective of what happened last time. I can understand that and so I'm just stepping back from her and giving her time to see there is a difference in my attitude.

I truly do care if she gets hurt and I actively don't want that to happen. I care about my friends and especially more about my family. I also care about the right decision for me...not just the 'right now' decision.

I was forced, albeit it without a comment from X, to eat crow (the veggie version which may very well be a brussel sprout) and admit that I have been judgmental and at times, rather rude. Furthermore, I realized more about myself and had an amazing day in the city.

Being judged is one of the things I have been upset with E about. Talk about a huge helping of humble pie.

So, here's to new friendships and to preserving old one's but mostly, here's to knowing the right decision and sticking with it.