I don't want him...but....

I'm absolutely positive I missed the memo on sharing as a child.  The "Once I put down a toy, it's still mine" mentality has spilled over to my grown-up life lately.  No, I don't want to be in a relationship with him...but that doesn't mean I want anyone else to have him either.

Take Jon for instance.  I don't want him anymore.  He smokes (ew), he's overweight and unhealthy (yes, I'm picky), he eats disgusting food (packaged everything - it's called a veggie, try it!).  He's ignorant of all current events unless they involve an ATV or some reality television show and his spelling is equal to that of myself...in grade three.

But he let it slip that he had a girlfriend and I'm assuming it's the girl (I think it was a girl) that I saw him in the bar with last week.  Here's the thing, there's a term I use called "Saint John Special".  In all my travels, there is a special group that exists in SJ that just cannot be explained.  Maybe it's the water/air combo combined with some syndrome? I don't know - but it's SJ Special.  I'd use that term on this chick...

So now I'm thinking - why did I date Jon?  Oh right, because he was a self-confidence booster.  I was feeling low after the whole D-explosion fiasco + Justin being on campus now...so I dated him.

I have a lot to learn, don't I? 

Hindsight is most definitely 20/20 but really...why didn't my mom send me to pre-school? I could have benefited from a few lessons in "Once you disgard the toy, someone else can pick it up

Thanks Mommy!

Thankfully, I did what every smart girl does.  I went out, got blottered drunk and went home with a friend(ish) only to wake up in the morning going "that was really dumb"...let's not do that again - and threw myself into an exercise routine that would make a body builder cry. 

The best way to get over a man is to make his jaw drop and him fantasize over your ass as you leave him in the dirt.

My grad pics are going to be HOT!

Salut blog-world!

Sammi

Crack Dealers and Politicians

I'm a Grand Mananer - I'm from a small Island that is absolutely beautiful.  I went to school there, graduated from there, worked there...had my first kiss with my (ex-ish) hubby at that very lighthouse. 

I've also learned a little about politics from Grand Mananers...mostly the comparison of Ronnie Ross (Alleged crack dealer on Grand Manan found guilty a few years later of - insert fake surprise here - dealing drugs) and Premier David Alward.

Here goes:

1) They both screwed Grand Manan over:
Ronnie was being a creepy jerk who brought hard drugs to the island, threatened Islanders and was just dangerous to our way of life.
Alward is continuously being an arrogant jerk who keeps cutting island resources (such as our ferry service) even though he was the blow-hard who promised a free ferry.

2) They both lie.
Ronnie: "I don't sell drugs" (within 3 years was in jail for dealing drugs)
Alward: "Free Ferry! No cuts to services" and now we have no 4th trip and no provincial, top-ranked park as well as the loss of 7-10 jobs.

3) The island banded together against them.
 Ronnie: House mysteriously burnt down in a blaze of epic glory...I'm personally still convinced he burned his own house down but anyways...
Alward: Pretty sure he won't burn his own house down...BUT petitions have already gone around and Grand Mananer's are already contacting the media and planning rallies (and trips to Fredericton if necessary) to get their ferry/anchorage back.

Politicians and crack dealers should probably become best buddies because realistically, they're cut from the same cloth.  Some like Ronnie cause problems for society from the bottom up and some, like David do the same thing from the top down...either way, it's always the people caught in the middle that have to continuously fight for their rights.

[Oh, and Alward must be on some sort of drug to even remotely assume that Grand Mananer's are going to let this go.  Come on...we let a guy burn his own house down...or something like that....]

Note: Alward probably doesn't do drugs.  This is the rant of Sam to be covered by Freedom of Expression within my Canadian rights and should not be taken as news as I am slightly exhausted at 2am.  Consider me interesting but not reliable.  If you'd like to ask Alward for a pee sample though, ask him directly at "I am a ManBaby.com" (aka his Facebook page).

   

Deal With It

Looking back on last night, I've realized that I'm still a little messed up.  I feel great today to be honest as if nothing happened.  I don't feel panicky or scared or anything - I feel strong, in control and confident.  Why? I haven't eaten anything today and am back on the liquid diet.  

Thankfully, I've realized a few things.  When I left Justin, I felt totally out of control...the same way I felt when I was 16 and first started throwing up my meals.  Everything was just crazy, my life was crazy...I had no idea what I was going to do...pretty much like how I feel right now.  This is the first time since I left Justin that I won't be a 'student', a primary role in my life.  I'm constantly reminded that I'm smart, I have a schedule, I get away with a LOT because...well, I'm a student.  Now I have to be the grown up again...and I'll be doing it alone.  This will be the first time I will be living on my own and that's scary....

So instead of just accepting that I'm scared...I restrict my food intake and I throw up if I lose control.  And right now, I'm just going to handle it...try not to throw up, stay on my 10 day fast because, let's be honest, I'm a mess at the moment...and I'll deal with it after exams are over. 

For the record, THIS ISN'T HEALTHY!  If I could go back to being 16-year old me, I'd say "don't start" but knowing me, I wouldn't listen to myself...

So the good news is, I know this sucks - I know it's unhealthy and I know I need to work on it.  The bad news is, I'm waiting to deal with it.  Until then, you're stuck reading about a blogger with food issues (and yet, cannot get thin!). 

~Deal with it~ <3 

Panic and Puking

As my blog title says, I've had a wicked time lately with food.  Today I ate a scary amount of food for me:

Breakfast - watermelon - 125 calories
eggs - 60 calories
sourkrout - 10 calories

Total - 195

Dinner

1 Banana 120 calories
1 Pear 103 calories
1 Luna bar 230

Total 453 + 195 =  648

Supper

(total binge = scary)

eggs = 90
Tomato = 35
Cuke = 10
Bread = 320
Chocolate = 240
Butter/Coconut Oil = 450 ( - no idea)
Potato x3 =  369
Salsa = 25


Seriously, WHAT was I thinking? I just ate and ate and ate...Total calories today 2817.

When I actually realized what I was doing, I ran downstairs and just started throwing up - great - because that makes the day SO much better. 

Okay...I slightly lost my cool for a bit - I was/am a mess in part because I broke so far away from my diet for foods that I don't even WANT and I panicked so I threw it up.  Okay, new plan...stop screwing up.  Or better yet, start addressing the fact that I'm terrified about being a graduate and feeling out of control and scared and this makes me feel like I'm in control...

Exercise + daily loss.

-1200 calories (daily loss)
-515 calories (walk/run late at night out of panic)
-300 calories (work/walking)

Total burned - 2015

Total for the day +802.

F.M.L.

I'm starting the mastercleanse again tomorrow...I really can't handle freaking out this badly at the moment...I hate hate hate making myself throw up...it's gross and yucky...and just...blah. 

Anyways, tomorrow (or technically today) is a new day...start healthy, positive and start over. 

Food Phobias

I had someone at work tell me they wished they could eat like I do when I said I was having a hard time eating lately.  I realized I was getting about 400 calories/day for the last week and running about 4-5 miles 5x/week.  She called it willpower or something - I panicked a little.

Here's what goes on in my mind:

"I'm hungry...really? Are you sure you're hungry? Maybe you just want some water or coffee - try that first" So I get some water or coffee.

"I'd still like something to eat - okay what did I eat today?  I had a protein shake for breakfast - that's...118 +35 calories...did I measure that right?  I'll add 10 more calories to be sure - 163 calories.  Okay...so I can eat something..."  (Heads to grocery store to find something.)

"I can eat veggies...they're safe...okay, this one has 35 calories per 3/4 cup...this one has 30...I'll go with the 30 calorie option.  What about something to go with it - Garlic and dill are safe, salsa, sourkrout in moderation...fish? 100 calories per 80g...no, that's a lot.  What about sushi - no that takes rice...I'll pass.  What about bananas? No - they're 80-120 calories per banana...Almond milk...that's 40 calories - is there any of the 35 calorie stuff? No...Okay...40 will do - I'll just drink less. OOH vegan cheese - that's 65 calories per 30g.  How many servings is in a block? 7.5 - okay 8...umm...can I cut that in half again? What if I binge? I'll pass"

Every. single. meal.  

I KNOW it's unhealthy to think of food as safe/unsafe - especially veggies and fruit...but it's what I do.  I don't know when it started or why I do it.  I don't know why I can't seem to stop...I know it's not healthy but I do it.  

I'm getting better at eating more - that's a start

Today was a vegan protein shake for breakfast (165 calories)

Supper was:
Veggies - 90 calories
Garlic and Dill (fresh) 10 calories
Salsa - 30 calories
Sourkrout - 10 calories
Tomato - 20 calories
Mushroom - 5 calories     
Watermelon - 90 calories
          (255)

Today today -  420.

Okay - so I suck at this.  I'll grab another protein shake after my run tonight...that sounds like a good start.  Tomorrow, I attempt to eat three more balanced meals.  This whole eating healthy thing is harder than it looks - only for me it's not because I eat too much...urgh!