First angry moment at boyfriend

My boyfriend showed up at res yesterday slightly plastered (on a scale of 0 being sober and 10 being drunk - he rated himself a 7). I didn't mind that. I'd rather him be here after a night with the boys just so I can at least make sure he gets some water and is okay.

What I held issue with was that he thought he was okay to drive himself here.

My personal rule (that I don't hold anyone else to) is one drink means no driving for the night. That way, I don't get stupid or careless or try to push my own limits. For other people, follow the law on this one. It really does have a reason.

I got angry at first, calmed down before I left my dorm room to let him in and then realized, I war furious because I was scared. Too many people - and too many Grand Mananer's - are dead because of alcohol and vehicles. I don't want to see him injured or killed...or hurt someone else because of one bad night, one turn of the wheel too quickly.

Thankfully, he understood my position...and I left out the part of 'if this happens again, ever - if we're dating or not - I will personally call the police and tell them where you are.' He also agreed next time he goes out - I get his car keys.

Admittedly, it's harsh - but you know what's harder? Going to the funeral of a person you care about...or standing beside them in court because they accidentally killed someone.

A boys night out

So my boyfriend is out on a bender with the boys tonight. Now, let me put things in perspective here - he's not a heavy drinker, we've had one drinking night since we got together. He, like every other student, is stressed, tired and slightly worn out. He had a chill weekend and was able to relax and go out with the boys.

Now, here's where I come in - anytime I was with my ex, I didn't recognize it but I was terrified he was going to cheat on me when he was out with the guys. I didn't know WHAT he was up to, got no details and didn't trust him worth anything...

New BF...hmm...he needs a nickname and I bet he'd be ticked if I called him Pooky so lets call him...Pooky (after Garfield's teddy bear).

I trust Pooky (oh, I like this nickname). I didn't realize that I haven't really trusted anyone since Justin (I don't care about him so his real name can go on here). I've always expected guys to hurt me so I ran away first...ran may actually be an understatement - I hightailed it faster than a fat kid going after the ice cream cart!

Pooky is out with the boys and I trust him...that's a pretty amazing feeling! And it's 11pm and he's texting that he's done being out with the boys...he misses me and wants to come over.

Gotta say, I'm smiling.

A great end to a...not so great week

After a week that I can only call full of turmoil, Friday ended amazingly. As my close friends know, some things I've been advised not to blog about - work stuff.

One thing after another led to a weekend where I was ready to just say 'I'm done with this job, this school and I just don't care about it anymore.' Yeah...it was that bad. Thankfully, when things get bad - good things happen.

Someone thanked me for my work with the paper, other people asked how I was doing with the meeting I had - my boyfriend was amazing. I really can't ask for anyone better and finally, we have the Blood Drive at the school - the one I organized.

Let's just say I remember why I do this. People are ultimately good and they deserve the opportunity to show they are willing to help others. I am so proud of my school, the students I am with, people who came down to try to donate blood and people who were terrified and still did.

The blood drive was successful enough we ran out of time and had to turn people away. This really is a great day!

I stayed in tonight to get some homework done, a test on Monday and another test on Thursday. Both are not easy classes and I definitely have a lot to study for this weekend. My boyfriend is having a boys night out - more to come in the next blog on that one :)

Have a great weekend everyone!

Great idea gone terribly wrong

So I've been dating probably the best guy for me right now- he's an engineering student, doesn't get worked up, fun, easy to get along with - and he's leaving in August to go to Fredericton so before we began dating, we had this bright idea to break up when the summer was over.

In theory, this works...but I actually like him - probably more than I thought I would.

I want to hide under a rock.

3 years on the 19th...time does fly by.

On the 19th of February, I left my ex 3 years ago. I have been trying to find out why I've been so off lately...depressed, tearing up, angry, tired and not even caring about grades or anything else lately and I think this is why.

It's a hard moment to remember and I think I'll remember it for a long time. I can forget my wedding anniversary - that was a happy day. It was a great day filled with love and friends and family. It was a moment when I was so unbelievably in love that my heart hurt.

The 19th though was the complete opposite. My heart broke apart that day...and yes, it's patched up but there are still a lot of cracks.

This is the first year I can't hide away from everything. I have a job, a life, a boyfriend...I can't just hide in my room with a book, throw myself into school and ignore people. I hate this feeling though because I really just want to hide away from the world. I hate showing weakness and not being as perfectly in control of my emotions is hard for me - in part because I'm constantly scared I'm going to have a panic attack or I'm just going to need medicine again so I can stay level. The joys of bipolar...a fear that when you start to cry, you won't be able to stop and the depression will just eat you little by little.

I guess the only thing I can do is remind myself is that I'm allowed to feel the way I do, I'm allowed to be angry, sad, upset and depressed. I'm allowed to be emotional but I refuse to push people away because I'm upset. I refuse to forget that I have an amazing support system; a family that loves me, a boyfriend who is convinced ice cream is a terrible get well food but doesn't say anything when I eat it and say it helps (Besides, what does he know though - he's only got three doctors in the family).

Ultimately, I am here in university because I left. I don't think I'm stupid anymore - even though I hear the words most days in the back of my head. I'm not terrified of being yelled at or of controversy because no one can make me feel worse than my ex did. I'm not constantly panicking because I'm wrong about something, I forgot something, I'm going to make someone angry...I still stress about being perfect though and stress out easily over controversy - something Anthony mentioned and I didn't really realize I did it but I do.

I still have scars but I'm recognizing them now - that's a first for me. 3 years...I wonder what the next 3 are going to look like.