Shaking my head at stupid

Have you ever watched Spongebob Squarepants? I have a thing about that show -it makes me happy. Here's this cute little sponge who is just trying to make everyone happy and has great intentions and yet, he's always getting into trouble.

Sometimes I feel like I am watching an episode of Spongebob though - and I have established there are way to many Patrick Starfishes some days.

I think you suck

Have you ever just wanted to walk into someones office and tell them to take their head and shove it because so much shit is coming out their mouth, it really isn't a far stretch anyway?

There are about 3 people right now who I want to say "I'm glad I won't see you again because goodness knows you're the most useless, unprofessional, miserable creatures I have ever met and had the displeasure of knowing" but...that would be a bit harsh. Only a little bit though.

Really - it may be a boss, an old boyfriend, a current boyfriend who sucks that you really want them to see exactly what is on your mind - like those thought-bubbles on comics or closed captions...That could potentially get me in trouble though.

Here's the thing: If you get called a bully, address it, explain it, apologize, and move on. We've all done stupid things and a sincere apology goes a LONG way. Don't be so arrogant that you can't man up and apologize.

If you're just useless, apologize for being useless and go away. Don't waste my time.

Maybe I don't want thought bubbles over my head. This could be dangerous and I'd probably be slapped for thinking such comments as:

"Can I touch your hair - it looks fluffy"

"I'm staring at your package. No, not the one in your hand"

"I really don't like saying it's fine - it's not fine and you suck"

"Insert head in microwave, turn on"

The new post-hookup chat

At one point in time, the hardest question or discussion after a hook-up was "I'm pregnant" or maybe "I need an abortion" or something equally as horrible. It wasn't easy but to be honest, I do wonder if the post-hook-up chats are more complicated now.

Think about it - pregnancy can be 'controlled' (mostly) by birth control/condoms etc, people have the option of abortion - it's legal. Granted, I don't think I'd go that route but it is legal. But how do you have the "So, do you have any crotch-region diseases I should know about that will potentially make me feel like a social outcast, could cause infertility or perhaps a decent dose of crazy combined with yellow/green/ (hahah blue) discharge?"

In a perfect world, this discussion should happen before penis/vagina action - it really should but people do stupid things under the influence of sex, drugs, or just the heat of the moment (or an interesting combination). One of the hardest things I've had to tell people who ask about this is "Just be blunt and ask because you have the right to know someone's sexual history if you've been a part of it."

Also, don't forget that some STI's aren't contained with a condom. Herpes is still a possibility. Condoms break and are you sure you used one 100% of the time? It's not that hard to 'slip' or forget, especially where you're under the influence. Yes, I know you want to think of yourself as a mature, responsible adult - but that also means admitting that sometimes you're damn stupid.

Understandably, some people will get offended even if you ask about sexual health and history before you hook up. I suggest you walk away quickly and RUN to the doctor if you're asking in the harsh sunlight of the next day. If someone is offended by a question like that, it shows a sincere ignorance for their own personal health.

Admittedly (not my admittedly of course because I firmly believe what happens, happens and I neither regret nor apologize for a mutual decision) hooking up is awkward the next morning anyways. You're out of "that moment," the magic that is booze wore off and crap, they're not as cute as you remember (sometimes they are - but usually post-coital, they aren't) and it's a little weird.

I describe it as feeling like you're walking around in soggy sneakers. Maybe no one else will know, maybe you can keep it to yourself, maybe you don't care a whole lot or it's great (Like running through puddles during a summer rain-shower) but at some point, it's a little uncomfortable...especially if the other person is feeling awkward.

Be responsible with your health, people. Currently Saint John has an outbreak of STI's - some of which have some terrible repercussions. If he's (or she) hooking up with you, chances are he's hooking up with other people and this can EASILY get messy (in several ways). Have fun but be safe with your health.

You can put a baby up for adoption but try telling the person you have fallen in love with that you have HIV. I can't imagine what that's like but it must sort of suck. An STD is not like cancer - people generally don't offer to bake you a casserole or take you to the doctor when you need it. They shun you because you're "dirty"...and that's scary. It's terrifying to think of yourself as society would think of you so people think ignorance is bliss.

Guess what - it's not! So be safe, have fun and ask the hard questions at some point. You have the right to be healthy. You have the right to be happy - now put the two together!

Ahh the good old days

Remember when you were cool just because you could snort an entire pixie stick up your nose? Or maybe because you sneaked a VERY angry tomcat (named Fluffernator and he is your friend) into your grade 2 class.

Maybe you were cool because you were able to bring your baby sibling into school for everyone else to poke during show and tell or maybe because you had markers - that's right - markers, when everyone else still had crayons.

Perhaps it was because your mom packed you the best lunches, or you kicked butt playing basketball on the playground...now hold onto that memory for a minute...and remember what it was like to be uncool.

You got picked on at least once, or felt stupid or ashamed of something...remember how it was the biggest deal ever - when you were the kid that peed yourself during public speeches? or threw up on the bus? (admittedly, I did that more recently than elementary school - hello, Norovirus).

Remember always getting nosebleeds or still having puppyfat in grade six? Maybe you skinned your knee and cried while other people told you to suck it up - doesn't matter. Either way, we're going our entire lives thinking "It's the biggest deal ever and no one understands and (SOB) no one gets it"...guess what, it's not that people don't 'get it' - whatever it is - it's because they don't really care that much.

People will point, laugh and then they'll find something else. They'll be angry for a bit if you do something stupid, but providing you're an adult - something I sometimes miss seeing - that too will pass. It's not the end of the world - but it definitely felt like it when you got a sinus infection from the blue pixie stick, didn't it?

Sammy-isms

If you can be nice, be nice.
If you can be calm, be calm.
If you can kick him in the nuts, refrain until there is a crowd to watch him pee himself.

Ommmmmm.....I feel more at peace already